Heaven Wasn't Made for Me (Prompts)
by Jbsullivan17
Summary: A collection of Bellarke prompts.
1. INDEX

**CHAPTER 1** : _You Can't Keep Doing This_  
Clarke realizes how she feels and who she loves.

 **CHAPTER 2** : _Before I Do This, I Need You to Know that I Have Always Loved You_  
Season 3 canon divergent. Roan kidnaps Clarke, Echo kidnaps Bellamy; They're both brought to Azgeda. Bellamy as a slave and Clarke as a guest of sorts. Bellamy becomes the gladiator he's dreamt of until he looked at his opponent.

 **CHAPTER 3** : _I Think I'm in Love with You and That Scares Me Half to Death_  
Clarke and Bellamy break up over a dream. Bellamy refuses to know what the dream was about and Clarke refuses to tell him when he's an angry drunk.

 **CHAPTER 4** : _Take Me Somewhere (PART 1)_  
Bellamy surprises Clarke with her own surprise...

 **CHAPTER 5** : _I Already Know Your Answer (PART 2)_  
Bellamy takes Clarke back to their mountaintop.

 **CHAPTER 6** : _We've Been Celebrating Our Anniversary on the Wrong Day for Nine Years (PART 3)_  
^^^ Title is pretty self-explanatory.

 **CHAPTER 7** : _Just Admit I'm Right_  
A moment of light-hearted fun takes a turn for the worse.

 **CHAPTER 8** : _I Shouldn't Be in Love with You (PART 1)_  
Bellamy's with Echo and Clarke's been avoiding him, but she's drunk and he's at the same bar. He takes care of her.

 **CHAPTER 9** : _I Can't Stop Thinking About You (PART 2)_  
Clarke's pointed avoidance increases after that night and Bellamy's bullheadedness forces her to face his truth.

 **CHAPTER 10** : _Don't Flatter Yourself (PART 3)_  
Clarke and Bellamy in Turks and Caicos.

 **CHAPTER 11** : _His Ego is So Visible; I Can Almost Watch it Grow (PART 4)_  
Back in New York, Clarke and Bellamy successfully hide their relationship... until they don't.

 **CHAPTER 12** : _I Had a Nightmare About You and I Just Wanted to Make Sure You're Okay_  
Clarke wakes up at 4 am to someone pounding on her dorm room door.

 **CHAPTER 13** : _I Caught the Bouquet_  
Abigail Griffin is marrying Marcus Kane and Clarke needed a date after breaking up with Lexa. Bellamy was the obvious choice... until he opens his mouth.

 **CHAPTER 14** : _That Doesn't Even Make Sense_  
Married Bellarke beach date with Bellamy's irrational phobias.

 **CHAPTER 15** : _My Ex Just Invited Me to Their Wedding_  
Finn Collins is getting married and Clarke freaks out. Bellamy saves the day.

 **CHAPTER 16:** _You Can't Die. Please Don't Die_  
Bellamy gets shot and Clarke is there for him.

 **CHAPTER 17:** _I Got You a Present_  
Bellamy tries his hardest to get there before midnight.

 **CHAPTER 18:** _Oops (We Got Married in Vegas)(PART 1)_  
An educators convention gone awry.

 **CHAPTER 19** : _I'm Not Jealous (PART 2)_  
Domestic Bellarke with a twist...?

 **CHAPTER 20** : _Do You Want Me to Leave? (Part 3)_  
Bellamy tells Clarke the whole truth. Octavia shows up. Clarke's been stealthy for a month. Bellarke fluff.

 **CHAPTER 21** : _I'm Yours (PART 4)_  
Babies... babies galore!

 **CHAPTER 22** : _Excuse You (PART 1)_  
Bellarke at a carnival

 **CHAPTER 23:** _What's With the Box (PART 2)  
_ There wasn't a time where Clarke wasn't in Bellamy's life. He can't think of a single memory that didn't have her there in some way shape or form and it pissed him off to no end. How dare she take over his life without him noticing! _  
_

 **CHAPTER 24:** _I Like How You Think (PART 3)  
_ Clarke finally tells Bellamy why she is the way she is...

 **CHAPTER 25** : _You Can't Ask Me That_  
Clarke hasn't spoken to Bellamy in a year. So she didn't know he would be the one running the vineyard she's planning to get married at.

 **CHAPTER 26:** _Are You Still Awake?  
_ The group goes on a camping trip...

 **CHAPTER 27:** _This has Never Happened Before  
_ Prequel to 26, aka how Bellarke got together.

 **CHAPTER 28:** _Do You Need Help with Anything_?  
Clarke's the designer on a home improvement show and trying to revamp her show after two major losses, she stumbles upon Bellamy and his "humble" home.


	2. You Can't Keep Doing This

"You can't keep doing this!" Clarke called after him.

Bellamy spun around and glared at her. "Watch me," he sneered heading back out of the bar.

"Bellamy… I—" Clarke blinked back tears as she followed him. "You're really walking away right now? This isn't who you are!"

"You're right. I'm not the one who walks away. That's you! But after this," he shook his head. "I can't be around you."

"I'm sorry. Bellamy, your opinion matters to me. So tell me what it is that you don't want me to hear."

"I hate her. She changes you, I didn't recognize who you were when she was here. If that's what you're going to turn into, then I don't want to sit around and watch."

Clarke sighed, thinking about how she is with him compared to how she is with Lexa. She didn't see what he was talking about but maybe he's right. Maybe she doesn't want to see it. "So you're going to walk away from a ten year friendship? You're my best friend, I can't lose you too."

"I'm not making you choose, Clarke. I can't put that on you so I am walking away because I can't see my best friend change for someone else. Now let me go."

* * *

"What's going on?" Lexa asked and Clarke blinked, looking to her.

"What?"

"You've been out of it for weeks, what's going on?"

"I don't—" she shook her head, she didn't know what to say that wouldn't start a fight.

"Bellamy."

Clarke sighed, "I don't want to talk about this with you."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing."

"Clarke, you clearly need to talk about this."

"I think I'm going to stay at my place tonight," Clarke said getting up and throwing her sweatshirt on.

"Are you sure? It's late, you should stay here."

"I should go home, I'll call you."

Lexa nodded, leaning in for a kiss and Clarke turned her head for her to kiss her cheek. "Yeah, bye."

Clarke walked home with Bellamy's words in her head, she didn't know what to think about what he said. She knew what he meant but it didn't sit right for some reason. They're friends but the way he was acting made it sound like more than that. What the hell did that mean?

She put her key in the lock and turned but it wouldn't budge. "What the hell?"

"Clarke?" she heard behind her and turned to find Bellamy at the bottom of the stairs. "What are you doing here?"

She looked around and sighed when she realized she was at his apartment, ten blocks farther from Lexa's apartment than hers in the opposite direction. "I… I miss you."

"And Lexa?"

Clarke shrugged, "I don't know. I've been thinking about what you've said and I don't know if you're right but I know that I miss you and these last few weeks… they've sucked."

"I know."

"Can I… can I stay tonight?"

"Clarke…"

"I know. I just miss you and I want to talk to you about what you said about Lexa but I'm really tired and I walked all the way from her apartment thinking I was going to mine. Just tonight and coffee in the morning."

"Okay," he nodded and climbed the stairs putting his own key in the door and let her inside. "Take the bed, I got the couch."

"Bellamy—"

"This isn't up for negotiations, Clarke. If you're as exhausted as you look, take the damn bed and go to sleep."

Clarke nodded and headed into his room. She couldn't sleep, his bed wasn't the same without him. She wanted to call him and have him stay with her but there's a line they can't cross. Two single friends could sleep in the same bed, but she's with Lexa, so they can't. Eventually she fell asleep but it wasn't the same, she didn't wake up feeling warm and safe like she usually did with him and she felt weird about it, being in Bellamy's bed without him.

Walking into the kitchen, Clarke smiled at the cinnamon apple pancakes and glass of orange juice waiting for her at the island, hearing the shower running so she sat at the island and ate her breakfast, Bellamy hates orange juice but stocks it for her and Octavia so it's definitely for her.

He stepped out of the bathroom when she's halfway done with her last pancake and swallowed at the sight of him shirtless. His abs shouldn't affect him the way they do, she's had her hands on them plenty of times and has slept in the same bed with him in just his boxers. She should be used to it, but somehow she just never seems to be and she grimaced at the sight because it wasn't the same as before.

"Morning," Clarke said turning back to her pancake.

"Morning. I have work in a half hour, I let you sleep in. You wanted to talk?" he came around to where there was coffee still brewed and poured himself another cup. He drinks it black and it's always disgusted Clarke.

He leaned back against the counter and took a sip waiting for her and looking too much like a menandcoffee Instagram photo that she loved to hate. "You said that I change around her. How?"

"This isn't going to do anything, Clarke. You're just going to run back to her."

"Maybe, but what if you say it and it's what makes me see it? What if I'm completely unaware of how I am around her in comparison to who I am with you and our friends?"

"You don't want to know, Clarke."

"I do."

"You're compliant. Fuck. You agree with everything she says. She pulls you away from your friends, you had plans with Octavia and Raven for months and ditched last minute because Lexa told you that she wanted you with her. I was in that coffee shop when she said it. It wasn't a question, her asking you to stay with her instead of go with O and Raven, it was a demand. I have never seen you shrink down to someone especially when it comes to your friends."

Clarke blinked, she knew exactly what he was talking about and it's true, she stayed with Lexa and it wasn't for anything important. She stayed because Lexa was intoxicating, her self-confidence, her stance and strong beliefs, they were a turn on initially but now Clarke wasn't enamored or enthralled by Lexa at all. She's been turned off more often than not and she wondered if it was because she did realize all this before Bellamy said it aloud. "I know."

"You know? How is that an acceptable response?"

"Because I'm breaking up with her the next time I see her."

"Clarke, that wasn't the point of me telling you any of this."

"I know, she was an escape. My life wasn't feeling like my own, Wells had died and I found out the truth about Finn and I was failing art history. I felt lost and she found me. Now, I'm feeling lost in this relationship, I'm not me, I'm who she wants me to be and I can't keep it up. How am I supposed to be with someone who won't accept me for who I am?"

"You have plenty of people who do. This is like saying they're not good enough."

Clarke sighed, "You are, Raven, Octavia, Monty, Miller. Hell, even Murphy are good enough and I'm sorry I didn't see that. You guys are like my family."

"Then you should treat us like we are instead of casting us aside when a relationship is involved."

"I won't. I promise."

"Good, I have to get to work, do you want a ride over to your place?"

"That would be great, thanks. And thanks for breakfast and letting me stay last night."

"Of course, I heard you tossing and turning, was everything okay?"

"Yeah, it was just different without you," the confession felt like it said more than it should have.

* * *

The next months flew by even though they were incredibly entertaining and fun hanging out with her friends again and without having to report to Lexa, it was freeing and exactly what she needed now. Nine months ago she felt lost and without a purpose and Lexa was a form of stability that she needed at the time but she's completely capable of being her own independent person now and she's excited.

Or she was…

"You can't keep doing this," Bellamy said coming up next to her at the bar, his hand low on her back.

"Do what?" she smiled, on the verge of laughter.

"Look at me like that, like I saved you." He leaned closer, brushing his lips against the shell of her ear. "Like you want me."

"And if I can't help it?" she countered, spinning around in his grasp looking up into his dark eyes.

"Clarke."

"If you don't want to—"

"I want to but I don't think I can do it just once."

"I wasn't asking for one time."

Bellamy smirked, "Good, let's go."

Clarke leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, a promise of more.


	3. Before I Do This, I Need You to Know

_Clarke looked beautiful_ , he thought and he tampered down his excitement, he weaseled his way into Azgeda's army to protect her. He's getting a handle on the Trigedasleng, they more the other warriors talked in the foreign tongue to keep him uninformed, the more he understood and he will soon know what they're saying. He's aware that _Wanheda_ is Clarke. He's aware that she's been up to something with their queen, their _Azplana_. he knows she's not helping them plan out an attack on Arkadia, they have the numbers, they have Bellamy who was actually a part of planning everything in the Skaikru settlement, she was gone for three months… still gone to everyone else. He hasn't even seen her since they got here. He doesn't even know she's still alive.

She has to be.

He trained for two weeks, under the eye of Ontari, she frightened Bellamy, though she's nearly half his age. A child. After satisfying her level of competence in his new sword skills and having him in the infirmary for a week after she nearly killed him in hand to hand combat, Bellamy was working the perimeter with Zono, he's not only training Bellamy but making sure he's not planning anything. They don't trust him at all. Echo vouching for him only went so far.

 _Can one ever really trust the word of a spy?_ he remembered Nia saying just before agreeing to let Bellamy join her ranks.

"Bellomi!" someone called through the village and his head shot up to find Ontari with Echo flanking her with a wary eye, if Echo didn't like what was about to happen, he doubted he would.

" _Come with me_ ," she said in Trig and Bellamy looked to Echo who just nodded once and barely.

Bellamy looked to Zono who had his gaze locked on Ontari. Bellamy realized they're looking at her like Trikru and Moungeda look at Lexa. His mind flashed to a coup, to what he felt was building at Arkadia before he left. _What was happening back home?_ he wondered before wondering when he started thinking of that place as home.

He walked towards them and Ontari turned around and headed back to the Queen's castle. When Bellamy used to read fairy tales to Octavia, he pictured these big elaborate stone castles with a hundred extravagant rooms but he also knew that this was the apocalypse version, a two-story cabin that was more luxurious than her people's, it had maybe ten rooms, there were five soldiers to a small one-room cabin. Bellamy didn't really expect any of it, Trikru villages were far different than everything here.

Once at the cabin, Ontari brought Bellamy into the room where he first met Queen Nia, where she sat on her ice throne again, Roan and Clarke standing on either side of her. He didn't pay attention to Nia or Roan, he barely felt Echo pushing him a few more steps into the room as Roan stepped aside for Ontari to stand at Nia's right.

His eyes were glued on Clarke, on her hair that was blonde again and her now clean face that was painted in charcoal to look like a raven's wings, maybe a crow's. He remembered Lexa's war paint and was glad that she didn't copy that, he'd felt the tension when he mentioned the beloved commander and how her cheeks flushed and she wet her lips slightly at a memory he was torn to ask what her response was over. He could handle her having a crush on the _heda_ , he could, but what if it was more? What if he was in Mount Weather risking his life because she asked him to (because she only trusted him with the job) while she was doing a non-warlike extracurricular that was ill-timed?

 _I was being weak._ What the hell did that mean?

 _"Bellomi!"_ Queen Nia called and Bellamy looked to her, realizing his mistake. "Ontari says you've been helpful and have mastered the sword. You have an hour to prepare for combat in the Colosseum."

"The—the Colosseum," he repeated. It took him back to when his nose was shoved in ancient texts of Roman soldiers and gladiators. Lions and elephants were the enemy in that Colosseum, he knows about _pauna_ , but from what he was told, Clarke and Lexa had wounded and trapped it, having it starve to death in a cage. Who or what would he be fighting?

Echo pushed him forward, towards the door back behind Nia, bringing him past Clarke who grabbed his arm, stopping him. "Do not look at your opponent, kill them and walk out of there alive. Promise me," she said just loud enough for him to hear her. He turned his head microscopically to try and find something in her eyes but there was nothing there. He didn't know what was going on.

"I promise," he said and she let go, Echo pushing him along.

He was given armor and a sword, he didn't really know what to do to prepare, he changed into the armor and wielded the sword around but that barely took fifteen minutes. He sat on a bench for a while, thinking about his friends, wondering what they were doing, if they were recklessly looking for him and Clarke, he hopes they're not.

Echo came back from the door on the other side of the room he came in from and stood, sword in hand, walking out into the arena of the Colosseum.

 _"And the opponent, Wanlida!"_ Nia called as Bellamy stepped out into the sun.

 _Wanlida._

Bringer of death.

He's Wanlida?

 _"Fight!"_ Nia exclaimed and Bellamy saw a flash of red and suddenly he was fighting this mess of red and black.

 _Do not look at your opponent,_ swirled in his mind over and over until he saw two flashes of blue. He froze, his eyes following his opponent, realizing that it's _Wanheda_ , it's Clarke and the sword fell from his hand as his chest heaved with ragged breath.

 _Do not look at your opponent. Kill them and walk out of there alive._

"I can't, Clarke," he said weakly and he watched her still.

"You have to."

"I don't. You may be Wanheda, but if I'm Wanlida... I can't if it's you."

"I already said it aloud. It has to be done."

Bellamy shook his head, ignoring the shouts around them to pick his sword back up and fight. "You may be the Commander of Death, Clarke, but I'm the Bringer of Death and I say that you can't choose the easy way out. You're going to have to kill me. I laid down my sword already, ai gonplei ste odon."

"No. I don't accept that! You are not laying your life down for mine."

"You kill me, you aren't just Wanheda anymore. You become judge, jury, and executioner. You'd do a far better job than I would."

Clarke shook her head and Bellamy saw the tears prickling in her eyes. "No, you have a better heart than I do, you'd show mercy when it's needed."

Bellamy dropped to his knees, picking up his sword. "I will fall on this sword right now because I am not letting you die today. Not for me."

"And I'm not going to let you die for me."

He stood, twisting the sword in his grasp, against his arm. "You don't get to decide who lives and who dies. But before I do this, I need you to know that I have always loved you."

Clarke froze, looking up at him. "What?"

"Really not the time. If I'm not going to kill you and you're not going to kill me and neither of us are going to sacrifice ourselves, then how are we getting out of this?"

"We're _Wanheda_ and _Wanlida_ , we can do anything."

"We're going to fight like hell?"

Clarke smirked. "We're going to fight like hell. We're also going to talk about what you said later."

Bellamy smirked, "I wouldn't have it any other way. You ready, Princess?"

"Together?"

"Together."

All and all it was one hell of a fight, Roan joined their efforts and killed Ontari and his mother, both by surprise and helped them out of Azgeda territory and he's either _Heihefa_ kom _Azgeda_ or a traitor and in need of refuge, either way, he's escorting them back to Arkadia with Echo on their heels.

"So you love me," Clarke said with finality when they got to the hill overlooking Arkadia.

"It hasn't been a secret. I infiltrated Azgeda for you."

Clarke grimaced, "You've done a lot more than that."

Bellamy nodded, he knows what he's done for her. Wanheda and Wanlida killing others for the sake of their people. Genocide, homicide, mercy killings, torture, they've done it all. He tried keeping her safe and it turned into gaining another enemy or Clarke running away out of guilt. They've come a long way from the rebel and the princess.

She took his hand. "I'm not ready." She sighed, "I'm not saying that I'm never going to be there, but we've done so much, and we've become these symbols that are bigger than who we really are. I don't want us to hide anything or resent who we become. I don't want to be an idea that you'll resent. I want it to be right."

Bellamy nodded, he agreed, it wasn't the right time and when it is, they'll know.

Walking into Arkadia, they walked back into a fight without even knowing who was under ALIE's control, Abby, Raven, Jasper, more than they could afford to lose. Another fight and another war to wage against an artificial intelligence terrorist.


	4. I'm In Love With You and That Scares Me

Clarke didn't know how it ended, she went over everything she remembered from that day and nothing stood out. There was no last straw, there was no moment of clarity that made their break up seem logical when she was still so in love with him.

She didn't go to the bar the Friday nights since it happened and she vaguely heard from Octavia and Raven that Bellamy hadn't been going either which got her to get dressed up that Friday, about two months after the breakup and go out with their friends.

Of course, that meant that was what Bellamy had thought too because when she walked in the door of the bar, their eyes locked and she wanted to throw up. He'd moved out, only taking a small duffel of his clothes and Clarke couldn't put herself together enough to box up his books and puzzles. She somehow had been holding out hope that he was going to change his mind.

She ordered her drink, starting her tab and as she was about to walk over to the table, Roan stopped her in her tracks.

"You're really not going to say hello? That's one killer dress you're wearing."

"Hi, Roan. Shouldn't you be drooling after Raven or someone that's not me?"

He smirked, "You and I both know that Birdie will never look at me that way."

"And who said that I would?"

"I heard you and Blake broke up because you had a sex dream about me."

Clarke scoffed, "A sex dream? No, maybe decapitation, but not sex."

"I may not look like it, but I'm a gentle lover."

"Yeah," Clarke chuckled. "Definitely not what happened or what we broke up over."

"So then what did you break up over?"

"Honestly, I don't even know," Clarke grimaced, taking a sip of her whiskey straight.

"Everything okay over here?" Murphy asked, wrapping his arm around Clarke's shoulders.

"All good, Murphy," Roan said backing off a little.

"Clarke?"

"We were just having an enthralling discussion about what the world would look like if Hillary Clinton were in office instead of Trump."

"A hell of a lot better for people like us," Murphy deadpanned.

"You're straight," Clarke countered.

"Asexual, thank you for remembering."

"Right. We should get to them, right?"

"Actually, he sent me over here. He looked rather jealous, so if you want him back, which I'm assuming you do because you have only had eyes for him, you should stay and flirt. Make him work for this. Right, Roan?"

"Uh, if you're going to use me, I'm not going to be free."

"Drinks?" Clarke offered.

"Sounds perfect," Roan smiled and he and Clarke continued talking, only making it look like heavy flirting and it was… fun wasn't exactly the right word because she kept finding Bellamy glaring at them with a beer bottle pressed against his lips, a half reminder of the filthy things his mouth could do to her.

She had to clear her throat and focus back on Roan telling her something about the real estate change in the south side, Clarke didn't know what he was talking about, and she didn't even feel bad about excusing herself to the bathroom where she fixed her hair a little, added some more eyeliner to her waterline and touched up her fading lipstick, thanks to the three drinks she nursed while talking to Roan.

She was on her way out when the door was pushed open and slammed shut behind Bellamy who locked the door and glared at her. "What the hell are you playing at?"

Clarke grimaced, "What are you talking about?"

"You haven't come out to the bar for two months and when I decide to, you just so happen to show up five minutes later? And with Roan? What the hell could you two have been talking about anyway?"

"Sex dreams, you know since that's why we broke up, the writhing and moans he caused me. God, I shudder just reliving it," Clarke groaned. "A dream of Roan's done more for me than you ever did."

Clarke watched the muscle in his jaw jump as he clenched it shut.

"Then you'd better get back out to him, huh? Get the validation," he scoffed. "Or vindication of his prowess."

Clarke scoffed. "You're still telling yourself that it was a sex dream of Roan? You're _believing_ that?"

"Then what the hell was it?"

She searched his face, the anger and frustration and what seemed like pure unadulterated hatred for her, was too palpable for this conversation that's been aided by alcohol.

"If you really want to know, ask me when you're sober," Clarke shot at him before stepping around him in the small bathroom and unlocked the door and leaving.

She closed her tab and Murphy walked her home. Cockroaches have to stick together.

* * *

Life had slowly gone back to normal, Clarke and Bellamy weren't good or even talking but they could be in the same room again without it imploding.

Or so everyone thought.

"What does that even mean?"

"It means you can't cook and even an attempt by you in the kitchen will kill us all. I for one want to live so stay the fuck out!"

"Since when did you tell me what to do?"

"Since when didn't you listen to reason?"

"Since when did you get jealous of a dream?"

Bellamy reared back. "Throw that in my face again."

"Ask me what the dream was actually about. Fucking do that because you won't be like this and picking fights with random assholes who talk to me at bars. You think I don't know what happens after I leave? You're the one that left! You're the one that walked out without getting the full story. You're the one that won't listen or talk to me sober!"

"Well, I'm sober now, so what is it, Princess? What the hell was the dream really about?"

Clarke squared her shoulders and looked around the room, all eyes were on her. Raven, Miller, Jackson, Monty, Murphy, Emori, Harper, Shaw, everyone was watching them, waiting for her to tell him.

She shook her head, "Screw you, Bellamy."

"Screw me? Your sex dream already did that!"

"You were dying!" she spat before scoffing and walked out of Miller's apartment and walking back to hers.

"Clarke wait!" She heard Bellamy call when she was halfway down the block and she walked faster, she was beyond done.

"Clarke!" he called again, grabbing her arm and she froze, turning around and yanking her arm out of his hold.

"What the hell could you possibly want?"

"You dreamt that I died and I thought it was a sex dream about Roan?"

"What part of that is confusing to you?"

"The part where you never told me for five months."

Clarke rolled your eyes and headed back down the street, she didn't want to do this anymore. She's tired of fighting him. "You'd been looking for a way out of this relationship for months before that dream, you don't get to put this on me."

"Because I think I'm in love with you and that scares me half to death."

Clarke stopped short, nearly tripping herself with the sudden movement. He did not just say that. "What?" she sneered, the _audacity!_

"I'm in love with you, Clarke Griffin. I have been for over a year and I'm afraid you could never love me back."

"That isn't fair! How could you say this to me now? I—" Clarke shook her head. "You're fucking with me."

"Look at me, Princess, and tell me I'm fucking with you."

She turned around and he was right behind her. "I'm in love with you."

Fighting back tears, Clarke blinked and shook her head. "And I love you, but that doesn't mean that I forgive you for the last five months."

Bellamy chuckled, wrapping his arms around her waist, "Of course not. Can I please come home, Miller's couch isn't comfortable."

Clarke nodded, her nose grazing Bellamy's as he brought his forehead down to hers.

"Say it again," Bellamy whispered softly as Clarke wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I'm in love with you, but you have a lot of groveling to get through before you can even think of getting near my panties again."

"Deal," Bellamy laughed before pressing a firm, needy kiss to her lips.


	5. Take Me Somewhere (PART 1)

"Take me somewhere," Clarke said the moment Bellamy flicked his cigarette across the parking lot from his car.

"And why in the hell should I do that?" Bellamy grimaced, ignoring her stare.

"Because neither of us particularly want to be here."

"Again, why should I do that… for you?"

"Well, I don't have a car and neither of us want to be here so we could just go."

"Go? Together?"

"I don't see why not. We're friends."

"I don't have friends, Princess."

"We hang out with the same people."

"Okay, just because you and some other people are there when I'm hanging out with my sister and Miller, doesn't make us all friends. I am not your friend."

"Oh, come on, Bellamy! Let's just go somewhere, I promise I won't tell anyone we were together."

"You really think that's the problem?"

"I think you're really trying to work this whole 'bad boy' routine and it's not exactly working."

"Bad boy routine?"

"That's what I said. Am I wrong? There's kind of a vibe you're going for, isn't it?"

"Not the vibe I'm really going for. I have a history class I shouldn't miss."

"You're saying History is more alluring than skipping with me."

"I do love history."

"Woah, you love something? Mr. Bad Boy Blake has a soft side?"

"Shut up, Clarke," he growled, pushing off the tailgate and headed to the driver's side. "Are you getting in or what? I don't have all day."

Clarke smiled widely as she yanked the passenger door open and threw her book bag in the back seat and hopped in the passenger's seat and closed the door.

Bellamy pulled out of the parking lot and at the stop sign asked, "Where to?"

Clarke shrugged, "Anywhere."

"You don't even have a solid plan to ditch class? Is this your first time."

Clarke just smiled at him and he rolled his eyes.

"Don't you dare complain," he said, peeling out onto the road and for the entire drive, Clarke's knuckles were pure white as she gripped the door handle and her seat.

"Relax, I'm not going to let anything happen to you," he said, still looking straight ahead at a stop light he broke so hard for Clarke swore she was going to have a bruise in the morning.

"You drive like a maniac."

"I've ridden in the car while you drove. Hey, Pot. I'm Kettle, You're black."

"You're not witty," Clarke groaned as the light turned green and Bellamy sped off.

They were going up the mountain, she realized. "Bellamy."

"I told you not to complain."

"You're not taking me there to kill me, right?"

He smirked, "There's probably money in that, but no."

Clarke relaxed some, not much because they'd just reached the base of the mountain and the twists and turns were more dangerous before Bellamy's driving came into play.

When they reached the top, Clarke immediately escaped the car and looked at her phone. No service, great, he really can kill me.

"I'm not going to kill you, that's so cliché."

"Then why did you bring me here, you know I hate nature. I appreciate it, but from within city limits."

Bellamy chuckled and slipped his hand into hers and she froze, "Don't you trust me?"

Arrogant prick. "Warily."

Bellamy chuckled, shaking his head as he pulled her along behind him until they got to the ledge.

"What do you see?"

"That's Asheville," Clarke sighed, itching to draw the small city from this viewpoint.

"Yeah, it is," Bellamy smirked.

"It's beautiful," Clarke said finally seeing the setting sun over the mountain that laid behind the city, she was focused on finding where her apartment building was. Focused on not thinking about what Bellamy's hand on the small of her back meant. He'd even said they weren't friends, he doesn't have friends, but that seemed friendly.

"I used to think this was the most beautiful view in the world," Bellamy admitted softly and Clarke felt the wind change, suddenly thinking about Pocahontas and how fucking inaccurate it depicted her relationship and everything that transpired with her and John Smith. Fucking Disney.

"Oh, yeah?" she asked, shaking Disney out of her head. "What changed?"

"I made you laugh for the first time." Clarke stopped breathing. "And every time since."

It was a simple statement, truly it was, but the meaning, the impact and weight of the words, stopped Clarke's heart, stopped her breathing and she didn't know what to do.

"Could you say something?" he asked after what felt like eternity and Clarke looked at him for the first time since they got to the ledge and she saw his confidence waning, the wall that blocked off his vulnerability had a huge hole that was being patched up quickly and Clarke said the first thing that popped in her head. "You're not particularly funny."

Bellamy scoffed and looked back out over the view.

"Do you mean it?" she asked getting her hopes up, hoping he looks back at her and sees it in her eyes.

He did and smirked, "Yeah."

"Good, because I had a crush on you since the day we met. I mean you were an arrogant bastard but you were hot but then I got to know you and the physical attraction—"

Bellamy leaned down and kissed her, harder than she imagined, softer than she dared to dream, perfect all around.

"You're saying you like me for my brains?"

"I like you for you," she smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"And I like you for you."


	6. I Already Know Your Answer (PART 2)

"Do you remember when I first brought you up here?" Bellamy asked after settling in the back of his truck, it's going to be a long night.

"Yeah, we were skipping class, I think you had a history exam."

"You thought I was planning on murdering you."

Clarke chuckled, sighing as she wrapped her arm tighter around him. Fireworks will be starting soon. "You were corny."

"Yeah, well, you slipped through my fingers too many times before then and I had to step my game up."

"You fell in love with my laugh."

"Well, you fell in love with my body, who's the shallow one here?"

"Hey, I fell in love with your brain too!"

" _Eventually!_ It was really great for my self-esteem!"

Clarke scoffed, turning her head to kiss his neck. "I am though. You know that, right? I'm in love with you. You're it for me."

"Well, shit, here I was about to break up with you," Bellamy said and Clarke froze, not knowing if he was kidding or if he's serious, he's got that tone… "Seriously, babe? I was kidding! God, I wouldn't know what to do without you."

Clarke slapped his pectoral, leaving her hand there to rest. "You're not particularly funny."

"You said that back then too."

"Oh, God, you haven't changed! You're going to act like a humorless seventeen-year-old boy when you're 78 and sucking down Viagra like it's candy."

"Woah, babe, too far, but very funny! Though I won't need Viagra if I'm with you."

"What?"

"Hmm?"

"That's fifty years…"

"Yeah? Huh."

"Bellamy, how are you being so cavalier right now?"

"Because whether I ask you now or in fifty years, I already know your answer."

"I hate you," she grumbled, pulling away and Bellamy pulled her back against his chest.

"I love you. Now, will you please enjoy this perfect night with me."

Clarke couldn't lay in the back of the truck bed and _relax_ , her head was spinning with Bellamy's half promise. Needing to know what his game plan was because this was insane and he couldn't get her hopes up like that and not do it. He's going to do it, right?

"God, babe, you need to relax," Bellamy said rubbing her back, his nails scraping against her skin under her shirt.

"I can't relax, you're infuriating."

"The fireworks will start in a minute, it's just dark enough for them to get going."

"What are they even for? It's April, there's nothing exciting about April, no consistent holidays, Easter's in March most of the time."

Bellamy chuckled, "You worry too much, just relax and enjoy the show."

Clarke sighed and watched Bellamy bring up a playlist and started playing some love song.

"You're seriously corny."

"What can I say?" He shrugged, "You bring it out of me."

Clarke chuckled, shaking her head as the first firework lit up the sky.

Over the two years, she's been with Bellamy, they've been to too many firework shows, she's lost count. She loves them and Bellamy caught on and found out about every firework display in the tri-county area and had taken her to each and every one. She didn't complain, she couldn't, they're like magic that she knew the chemical components of. The song changed to a John Legend song that Clarke knew was about Chrissy Teigan but it was sweet and loving and kind of perfect. She nearly fell asleep but saw her name in the fireworks. "Bellamy?" she asked confused.

"Hmm?"

"Did you see that?"

"Watch the fireworks," he insisted, not looking back at her and she turned her head and the next one that exploded in the air read "WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

"Okay, you saw that, right?"

"The firework, yeah?"

Clarke rolled her eyes and focused back on the show and saw Bellamy's name next and she grimaced. He's too much.

When the show was over, Clarke got up, pissed as hell and slipped into the passenger's seat of the truck's cab.

"Clarke," Bellamy sighed, going to the open window next to her.

"What?"

"I never got your answer."

"To what? You never asked me anything," she said angrily, he's unbelievable!

"Babe, you know I'm not good at this stuff."

"That's just it, Bellamy. You're good, you're very good and two years ago you were nervous as hell and it worked for you, but tonight you're cocky and you 'know my answer', right? So, why don't you tell me, huh?"

"You don't think I was nervous? The heart was upside down, I thought… I love you, Clarke. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you _please_ marry me?"

"Ask me in fifty years," she said, her eyes hard and angry.

"Clarke, please," Bellamy pleaded and she looked over at him, hating that she got so angry over him being sweet.

"The answer's always been yes, you were just being an ass and it was pissing me off."

"I'm sorry. So, we're getting married?"

Clarke nodded, leaning out the window to kiss him as the song, whatever it was, changed to Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran and Clarke smiled. "This means it's our song."

"I like this song," Bellamy smiled. "This wasn't how I thought this would go, you know."

Clarke laughed before leaning in for another kiss. "What did you think was going to happen?"

"Well, first, I'd have acted cooler."

"Impossible."

"You say that now," he countered. "You'd see the heart and your name and be a little confused but I wouldn't have been an asshole about it. That was where I fucked up, I was being an ass because I was so nervous."

"I'd take cute nervous Bellamy over overthinking asshole nervous Bellamy any day, for the record."

"Duly noted."

"We're getting married," Clarke smiled.

"We're getting married," Bellamy smiled and he rushed around the back of the truck, closing the hatch before getting in the driver's seat.

"I didn't give you the ring!" he exclaimed halfway back to the apartment and Clarke laughed.

"I can wait another twenty minutes for the ring that tells people what we've already known. I'm yours."

Bellamy smiled, lacing his fingers with hers. "And I'm yours."


	7. Celebrating Our Anniversary (PART 3)

Bellamy looked at the piece of paper in his hand and grimaced, he knows if he's wrong, he's just another cliché man that doesn't remember his anniversary or his wife's birthday, but he does, he knows he does and the invitation from ten years ago had to be wrong.

"Clarke!" he called, uncertain, but he's certain that they got married on August 10th, not the 9th like the invitation says.

Clarke walked into the room and leaned back against the doorjamb, she hates being summoned and gets spiteful and distant. He continues because it's adorable watching her try to keep her hands off him after a while. "You rang?"

He smirked, "What day is our anniversary?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? We've been married a decade and you don't remember our anniversary? Do you know the day we adopted Madi?"

"May 17. I'm serious, I found something and I'm just checking that you're on the same page with me. August 10th, right?"

"Yes, why?"

Bellamy grimaced, "Come here."

"I'm in the middle of cooking dinner!"

"It's already burnt, come and look at our wedding invitation," he said pulling it out from behind his back on the couch and Clarke came over and sat next to him, looking at the invitation.

"You're buying the Thai for that comment and what the fuck?"

"Right?"

"I swear we got married on the tenth!" Clarke gawked at the aging invitation she'd just yanked out of Bellamy's grasp. "How the hell do we figure this out?"

"Your mom had just gone into rehab so she wasn't there. Octavia was in Alaska. I thought we decided to elope because no one was around so it was just us, Monty and Harper, and Elvis."

"You really wish we went to Vegas, don't you?" Clarke chuckled.

"I really do, I feel like we missed out on something horrible," Bellamy smiled, pressing a kiss to Clarke's cheek. "I'll call the church in the morning. Right now, I have to call for Thai. What do Madi and Jordan want?"

"Jordan's at work and then there's a grad party so he's going there. I'm expecting a drunk call at two am for a ride home."

Bellamy nodded. "We got some great kids."

"Truly amazing. We could have asked Monty and Harper if they were still here," Clarke sighed, dropping her head on Bellamy's shoulder and he pulled her closer with a sigh.

Monty and Harper had Jordan back in high school and had an _epic_ love, but Harper got stage 4 lung cancer and soon after the Griffin-Blake wedding she passed. A few years later, Monty got some obscure disease that the doctors couldn't identify until after he'd passed and at that point, Bellamy and Clarke were their only friends in a stable relationship that wasn't falling apart, still isn't, and so they chose them to be Jordan's guardians. Of course, they accepted, they couldn't say no. They already had Madi and were trying for a biological child but it hadn't been working so… they didn't give up, it was just that things changed and it wasn't a priority and the hormones were expensive, just deciding that if it were to happen, it would at its own time. He sees the disappointment in Clarke's eyes every time she gets her period and it breaks his heart just a little bit more every time.

"I know."

"They were happy, right? Before everything that happened, they were happy?"

"The happiest, most in love people I knew," he said and he hated that it's past tense. That his friends were gone, but they were happy and that's what mattered and Clarke and Bellamy won't let Jordan remember them differently.

Jordan texted them around 2 in the morning saying he was sleeping on the couch and would be there in the morning and he walked in the door while Bellamy was on hold with the church to find out what day their records say they got married. Clarke was in the kitchen cooking pancakes and bacon while Madi was on scrambled egg and toast duty.

"They're cooking breakfast," Bellamy whispered to him as the older boy waved hello, heading upstairs to hopefully shower, Bellamy could smell the beer and weed on him, whether he partook in any of it was his business and he was being responsible and didn't drive under the influence. That's what mattered.

"Mr. Blake?" the lady said coming back on the phone.

"I'm here," he said practically running from the living room to the kitchen, scrambling to get his phone on speaker for Clarke to hear this too.

"Our records show that you and your wife, Clarke Griffin-Blake, were married on Thursday, August 9, 2018," the woman said on speaker and Clarke turned around and glared at him and man if looks could kill…

"BELLAMY BLAKE, YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT WE'VE BEEN CELEBRATING OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY ON THE WRONG DAY FOR THE PAST NINE YEARS?" she exclaimed and Madi froze, looking between them, not knowing what to do.

"Thank you, ma'am. Have a blessed day!" Bellamy said to the woman on the line before hanging up and placed his phone on the counter behind him. "I mean, I don't know how this is only my fault. We should really be blaming the Clarke and Bellamy of August 2019."

"I was happy celebrating our anniversary on the 10th! You just _had_ to find our wedding invitation and mess everything up! Of course, I'm going to be mad at you!"

"It was in a box of Harper's, Clarke, it wasn't like I was exactly searching for it! Do you think that I like having to take care of their stuff? I don't, Jordan certainly doesn't. You think he chose this life? It was thrown at him and he's more well-adjusted at seventeen than you or I will ever be, so being a day off for our anniversary isn't a big deal because we still get to celebrate it."

During his little spiel, he saw Clarke's anger disintegrate but he needed to make his point, he needed her to see that they're still there to celebrate their anniversary where the two people that made it to their wedding weren't. That there was a reason for him finding it, not him screwing with her, this wasn't some practical joke. They missed their anniversary for nine years, but they don't have to anymore, that was the point.

Clarke knew he was right and apologized, apologizing to Madi too for yelling like that and they finished making breakfast while Bellamy set the table, they all finished just as Jordan walked into the kitchen freshly showered and he mussed Madi's hair as they walked past as she carried the toast to the table and he was getting himself a cup of coffee. They had a Green-Griffin-Blake Saturday morning breakfast that was nearly perfect with Madi and Jordan teasing each other and Clarke and Bellamy stealthily eye-fucking from across the table.

Clarke Griffin married Bellamy Blake on Thursday, August 9, 2018, not Friday, August 10, 2018.


	8. Just Admit I'm Right

It all started with an argument. That's how everything starts between them and sometimes it's annoying, but sometimes she can't help but smile, it shows that he cares and it's something Clarke's always been self-conscious about, him not caring about her.

But this was different and she didn't know how they'd gotten to where they are, him on top of her on the couch, his fingers dancing all over her sides and she's laughing uncontrollably and she can't breathe, tapping his shoulder to give her some semblance of relief.

"Just admit I'm right," Bellamy smiled, his hands not giving in, stopping anytime soon.

"You're insane," Clarke laughed, glad that Bellamy had something to smile about again.

"Insanely correct."

Clarke shook her head, "There is no… way in… hell that… Octavia… snuck out… at fif—teen to… get a butterfly… tattoo!"

"Really? She has the antennae to prove it."

"Okay! Okay, you're possibly right, I'm still going to need proof," she said as Bellamy's hands slowed.

"We will get you proof," he said slowly looking down at her and she tried thinking that it wasn't at her lips, that the swooping feeling in her stomach wasn't because he was about to kiss her.

"Bellamy…"

He licked his lips, leaning down a little but Clarke looked away. No matter how much she wanted to kiss him, she didn't feel like this was the right moment. There's so much going on around them that _now_ wasn't the right time.

"Sorry," he said getting off her and walked to the kitchen, rubbing his neck.

"Bellamy," she sighed, getting up and following him.

"What?" he shot coldly.

"You're—we…" Fuck it, complete honesty it is. "I'm afraid of losing you. I'd rather have you as my best friend than lose you after a failed…"

"A failed what? I'm just that one-night-stand douchebag, I can't possibly have feelings for anyone."

Clarke blinked, he's using an old fight against her, of course he is. "I didn't mean that."

"But you're right, I'd just use you for your body and walk away, ruining our friendship."

"Stop it!" she yelled, not believing him. "I know you better than that now and I know that if you feel as deeply for someone that you wouldn't…"

"That I wouldn't push them away? News flash, Princess, I even pushed my sister away."


	9. I Shouldn't Be In Love with You (PART 1)

"Hey, sexy."

Bellamy turned around to find a very drunk and swaying Clarke behind him. "Hey, how much have you had to drink?"

"Do you know how hard it is to stay away from you?" she asked poking him in the chest before sighing and looking at the floor, a crinkle in her brow.

"Clarke," he sighed, he knew she was avoiding him but he didn't know why and she called him sexy so this is just doubly weird and confusing. "We're going to go home, okay? I'm going to take you home."

She pulled away, "I don't want you there!"

"Okay, okay. I won't go inside, I'll walk you to the door and make sure you go in."

"No! Bellamy! You can't be around me! I can't do this!"

"Princess, you are not making any sense. What are you talking about?"

"You! You're my best friend, you know that. That's unchangeable. But you have Echo and I'm not your best friend anymore."

"Of course you are! Why would you think otherwise?"

"You don't spend time with me anymore."

"Clarke, you just admitted to avoiding me, how could you possibly say that I don't try to spend time with you?"

"You don't!"

"Come on, we're going to grab a taxi, okay?"

Clarke nodded, leaning completely on him and Bellamy sighed, she's going to be the death of him.

"Clarke, I need you to walk for me."

"I'm not a model like all your girlfriends, I can't walk."

Bellamy choked back a laugh; that was actually pretty funny.

He managed to get them out of the bar and into a cab without a fight and into her apartment helping her into her room where she promptly threw her dress over her head and Bellamy turned away.

"Bellamy Blake being respectful, never thought I'd see the day," she slurred.

"I've always respected you."

"Maybe that's the problem, maybe respect isn't what I wanted from you. It's safe to turn around," she said and Bellamy did finding her t-shirt pulled tightly against her breasts as she pulled the back down over her panties.

"Jesus," he muttered, trying his hardest to not respond to that down there.

"Stay the night? I really do miss you."

"I shouldn't," he swallowed.

"And I shouldn't be in love with you, yet here we are," she countered, folding down the sheets.

 _What? No, no. She doesn't love me, she's drunk and upset and isn't thinking straight. She doesn't mean it._

"Are you coming to bed?"

Bellamy looked at her and she was looking at him with sad eyes, he hates her sad eyes. Nodding, he unbuckled his pants and kicked off his shoes. He shouldn't be doing this, he thought as he slid into bed next to her.

She loves him.


	10. I Can't Stop Thinking About You (PART 2)

Jolting awake, Clarke found herself curled against Bellamy's chest. She pushed herself away, out of his grasp and, chest heaving, fell off the bed. Curling herself against the wall, staring at Bellamy slowly waking in her bed. His arm reached out across the bed, and he grimaced. "Babe?" His eyes fluttered open, and Clarke looked away. "What are you doing on the floor?"

"What are you doing in my bed?"

"You asked me to stay last night after I brought you home. How's your head?"

"Foggy. We didn't…"

"No. You were incredibly drunk. I wouldn't do that." He stood and walked around the bed to Clarke, kneeling in front of her. "Can we talk? We have some things to discuss."

"No, I don't know why I called you last night, but I don't want to see you. I don't want you here."

"Clarke, I…" _You didn't call me; I was out celebrating my engagement which I'm regretting because I've always loved you and you didn't feel the same._ He couldn't say those words because instead of her letting him explain everything that happened last night, she's screaming at him.

"Just get out! Please! Bellamy, just go," she screamed, her voice raw as a hot tear streamed down her cheek. He's never wanted to make her cry, and here he was being the reason she's crying.

Bellamy sighed, standing and picked his pants up from the chair he set them on last night. "Please stop shutting me out. I gave you space because Octavia told me it's what you wanted, but I miss you."

"Please. Just go."

She didn't look up at him, she didn't see the pain in his eyes as he watched her and nodded, but she did cry harder after feeling his lips atop her head. She cried for what felt like forever until she felt arms wrap around her shoulders, long curly black hair draped on her knee.

"I can't even look at him, Tav," Clarke cried leaning her head on her shoulder.

"I know. I'm here."

"Does he love her?"

"I can't tell you that. You'd have to ask him."

"But he talks to you."

"Not as much as he talked to you. He talked to you the most. Always."

"But I never had a chance. Not like her and not like Gina."

"Hey, this isn't about them or him, okay? This is about you. I'm here for you."

Clarke smiled sadly, grateful that Octavia had her back.

Three weeks, that's how long it's been since Clarke saw Bellamy. She usually saw him in the morning at her usual coffee shop, and when she saw him inside, she kept walking to the coffee shop that was five blocks out of her way, started to leave early for work just for that occasion.

But she was running late, so she ran into her favorite shop and ran right into Bellamy, nearly spilling his coffee all over him.

"Sorry," she said looking to the floor and moving around him to get in line.

"Yeah, um, hey. Do you want to grab lunch this week and catch up?"

"Uh… lunch?"

"Yeah, I'm giving you an out after forty-five minutes to get back to the office."

"I—"

"I miss you, Clarke. Don't make me beg, though I will."

Clarke smirked, she's seen him beg and though she loves the thought of him on his knees, she couldn't help but think of him on his knees in front of Echo doing something completely different. "Okay. Murphy's at eleven?"

"Yeah, sounds good," Bellamy smiled. "I'll see you at Murphy's."

Bellamy walked out the door, and Clarke fell into the chair behind her. Lunch with Bellamy. She can do that. Right?

Sitting in her cubicle she watched the time pass, and suddenly it was 10:50 and she was frozen in her chair. She couldn't do this. She couldn't meet with Bellamy, and so she sat at her desk staring at the clock in the corner of her screen tick by until it was 11:15 and a text from Bellamy came through her phone.

 _Damn it, Clarke. How can I tell you anything if you show up? Whatever I did to lose you, I'm sorry, but I'm done trying._

Her heart didn't break; it couldn't, it was already shattered. But it did hurt like hell. He's with Echo, and she has to get over it or get used to it.

She never will.

She asked her boss just before five that afternoon if she could take the rest of the week off and he agreed, she's always on top of her work, handing it in early always. When she got home, she started packing her bag, not even knowing where she was going, deciding to look at flights before she went to bed.

She was about to buy a flight to Turks and Caicos when there was a knock on her door.

Getting up and looking through the peephole she grimaced. "Go home!" she called through the door.

"Clarke, please, I need to know what this is about!" he said back, and she heard a pound on the wall next to the door.

Swinging the door open, she glared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? It's after midnight, and you're going to wake my neighbors," she spat, and he walked in and began pacing.

"Bellamy, what the hell are you doing here? What's Echo going to think?"

"Echo has nothing to do with this."

"So… what exactly is this then?"

"You tell me. You drunkenly stumble upon me in the bar, call me sexy and tell me you're in love with me and kick me out in the morning and then you avoid me for three more weeks where you crash into me in our coffee shop, which you haven't been to in months, I've asked. Then you skip out on our lunch plans. So tell me, Clarke, what is going on?"

"I…" _I told him I loved him that night? That's what felt so off that morning._ "I don't know what you want me to say."

"I want you to tell me that I'm not crazy for breaking my engagement a day after proposing."

He proposed to Echo? Of course, he did. He loves her, and he'll never choose me.

"Clarke, are you going to say something?"

"Like what? You proposed, congratu-fucking-lations! Now, it's after midnight, and you should get back to your fiancé."

"God, you don't get it, Clarke," he said, a bite in his voice as he took her face in his hands. "I can't stop thinking about you. I tried forgetting what you had said that night but I can't. For as long as I can remember there wasn't a part of my life that wasn't connected to you." His eyes bore into hers, and she couldn't look away as his thumb stroked over her cheekbone. "Maybe you didn't mean what you said the way you said it three weeks ago, but I can't stop thinking about you even before you said it before you stopped talking to me. It's always been you."

Clarke swallowed, he didn't actually say that he loves her, he didn't say that he wanted to be with her. Only that he can't stop thinking about her which means what exactly? He thinks about Octavia and Raven and Murphy and Miller, what makes him saying this to her so special and amazing? The intense look of longing in his eyes? The way he's touching her cheek? Making her feel like he actually wants her. It's the only reason why she said, "I meant it."

His face didn't change, his eyes didn't change with the words, but he nodded, and Clarke didn't know what that meant. "Have dinner with me tomorrow." He smirked, "Actually show up this time."

"I'm going out of town."

"You are?" Clarke looked to the suitcase she has by the door, knowing Bellamy's eyes followed. "Where are you going?"

"Turks and Caicos."

"Turks and Caicos," he repeated, his hands falling from her face. "Why are you going there?"

"Because it's freezing here and I wanted to go somewhere warm, maybe get some semblance of a tan."

"You'll come back a lobster."

"Probably," Clarke smiled.

"Could I go with you?"

"You have work, you have papers to grade."

"The semester ended Friday, I'm free for a month," he said, looking more nervous.

"You—you want to go on vacation with me?"

"I will follow you to the ends of the earth, Princess."

"No, you… I can't do anything without knowing, Bellamy."

"I don't know if its love," he sighed, and Clarke took a step back realizing how close they were. "But I know that I feel more for you than I did her or them, any of them put together wasn't nearly as much as how I feel for you. It actually scares me how much I care for you."

"But you don't love me?"

"Of course I do. You're my best friend, and I know there can be more between us, don't you?"

"Obviously."

"Okay then, so… Turks and Caicos?"

"Okay, I'll get you a ticket," Clarke said biting her lip. "You should go home and pack, we have to be at the airport at eight."

Bellamy nodded, "Text me the details." Clarke nodded, and Bellamy took her hand. "I really missed you, Princess," he said softly, pulling her into a hug.

"Yeah, I missed you too," she said into his shoulder before leaning up and pressed a kiss to his cheek before kicking him out.

They're good, she thinks. It's usually different, she doesn't actually know what they're supposed to do, how they're supposed to act now. They'll try, she wants to try and find some normalcy between them now.


	11. Don't Flatter Yourself (PART 3)

The entire flight Clarke rolled her eyes when the flight attendant would stop to check in on Bellamy, he's never been on a plane before, and the flight attendant was too overbearing for Clarke's taste. Bellamy wasn't being standoffish; he was more nervous about the turbulence than paying attention to the flight attendant that was clearly checking him out.

Making it worse it was the same situation when they were checking in at the hotel, and the receptionist was flirting with him even though they're checking into one suite together. It's one of the things Clarke liked about Bellamy, how he was completely genuine and polite with strangers that he knew he was never going to see again but left a good impression if they do meet again for whatever reason, he just sucked at first impressions with his friends. Clarke doesn't know one good first impression story of Bellamy with any of their friends, and she thinks it's funny, but she also thinks it's why they're all so close and tight-knit, the bad first impressions they gave each other.

"You've been acting strange all day," Bellamy said once they've unpacked their bags and Clarke was laying on her bed by the window, he leaned against the balcony door, looking down at her.

"Nope, I'm fine."

"Are you upset about the flight attendant and the receptionist?"

"What? No! Why would I be?"

"I think you were jealous," he stated with his ever-present smirk.

"Don't flatter yourself," she grumbled. "Dinner? It's nearly six."

"Oh, so you're willing to dine with me now?"

Clarke rolled her eyes and sat up. "You're hilarious. Are we going?"

"Yeah, where?"

"I figured we could walk around and find someplace."

"Okay."

"I'll, uh, get changed," she said, heading toward the bathroom.

"Yeah, you're looking a little ragged," Bellamy teased, his eyes playful and Clarke swallowed, finding solace in the bathroom where she changed into a sundress. New York was 35 degrees whereas Turks and Caicos was 85 and gorgeous!

Slipping on her favorite gold sandals, Clarke stepped back out into the suite, finding Bellamy buttoning up a grey shirt she doesn't remember ever seeing before, but she hasn't seen him in months, so that was probably why she hadn't. Just then he looked up and his jaw slacked a little.

"Wow."

"You've seen this dress before, Bellamy."

"Yeah," he grimaced, grabbing a tie and Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Of course you brought a tie on vacation." Clarke walked over to him as he tried and failed to tie a Windsor knot, taking it from his hands.

"I have a girl that I want to impress and a few years I want to make up for."

She looked up into Bellamy's eyes that were full of want and her brain spaced, she didn't know what to do with this Bellamy. Teasing Bellamy, asshole Bellamy, drunk Bellamy, sick Bellamy, happy Bellamy she knows how to handle but flirty Bellamy was a whole new beast she didn't know how to wrangle. "You do?"

"Yeah, I kind of always thought she was out of my league."

"Maybe when you first met, but she's not the same girl that she was back then."

"No, she's better."

Sure, it was corny, but it sounded like a confession he's been trying to say without saying it. It was close, so close in fact that Clarke pulled him down by his tie and kissed him. Firm and certain and everything she'd imagine and more but she pulled away too quickly, embarrassed for letting herself do what she's been wanting to do for months (years if she's honest with herself).

"Wow, Princess, I don't normally kiss before the first date."

"Shut up," she said adjusting his tie.

"You really are beautiful, babe."

"Babe?"

"Babe," he smiled, and Clarke rolled her eyes. "I like how it sounds, how it feels calling you babe."

"You called me that that morning."

"I know."

"You were still with Echo."

"I know."

"It's barely been a month, Bellamy, we shouldn't…"

"No, Clarke," he sighed, taking her hand. "Come sit."

He guided her back to the bed and she looked at their hands, finding it difficult to make eye contact with him.

"I have fought my feelings for you for so long that it shouldn't matter how long it's been since I was with Echo." He cupped her face, making her look at him again, finding complete sincerity in his eyes. "I'm here and I'm not going to run away or risk losing you again."

Clarke nodded, licking her lips. "You're here."

"I'm here and I'm not going to leave you."

"Did you love her?"

"Not as much as I love you."

Clarke smiled brightly, reminiscent of waking up on Christmas morning as a child, the yearning for the words from his lips was excruciating, but the relief was euphoric. Nearly the best high she's ever had.

That didn't stop the green monster from appearing every time a waitress or passerby glanced at him, talked to him. She hated how possessive she was acting and though Bellamy's hand remained firmly on her upper thigh at the beach, leaving a tan (burn) mark on her thigh which she complained about after the first hour, but he couldn't seem to keep his hands off her so she settled for it as long as there was just one. His hands didn't just stop at her thigh on the beach; they walked around Cockburn Harbour with Bellamy's hand on her ass even in short sundresses. They both ate with one hand because he couldn't let hers go. She didn't understand it, she knew it had something to do with losing Gina the way he did all those years ago, yet she still didn't know what causes him to do all the sweet things he did, not just during this week but their entire friendship.

What drove her absolutely insane was that they slept in separate beds and nothing's happened below the waist. She loves him and he loves her and yet they haven't been intimate. He'll be on top of her, his lips traveling over her clavicle and chest, lips and fingers plying her taught nipples and everything would stop the moment her hands were at his belt. "We have time," he'd say sweetly, kissing her cheek before rolling off her, his eyes going back to whichever film they pay-per-viewed that night.

It was their last night and Bellamy was in his own bed when Clarke spoke into the void of blackness that was their room. "Are you still awake…?"

"Unfortunately, we have an early flight and we should both be asleep," he said with annoyed humor.

"Right."

"What's on your mind?" he pressed and Clarke grimaced, deciding to bite the bullet and ask.

"Why don't you want to fuck me?"

"Not where I thought this was going. Um, it's not that I don't, because I very much want to. It's that we're on vacation, in this little bubble of Cockburn Harbour and I know this kind of started in New York, but I don't want us to go back to New York and get back to our lives regretting anything here. I want to go back and if the decision to be just friends is made, I don't want to have to hold back on being with you with the knowledge of what it's actually like to be with you."

"Are you afraid you're going to change your mind?"

"No, my mind's been set for years."

"So you think I'm going to change my mind?"

"I know you were drunk when you admitted that you love me there. I know you were frightened of my rejection at a lunch which I asked for, mind you, that you planned a last minute vacation here to hide away from me."

"I freaked out; I had this feeling that I was going to lose you or… lose you. There was no other option in my mind and I thought you'd tell me you're moving or something else equally bad. I never thought you could have felt the same way."

Suddenly she felt the bed dip and Bellamy's arms were around her. "If I were to move, you would have been the first person to weigh out my options with, not O, not Echo or Miller. You. Even when I was with someone else, it would have been you," he pressed a kiss to her cheek. "You're my favorite Slytherin."


	12. His Ego is So Visible (PART 4)

The moment their flight landed, Clarke's phone blew up to have brunch with the girls the next morning and they split a cab to their apartments, Bellamy making sure that the driver dropped her off first even though he's closer to the airport and he didn't sleep on the flight at all, watching Fight Club and a few Marvel movies that she slept through.

Her phone chimed the next morning after she got out of the shower and saw it was from Bellamy.

 **Bellamy:** Morning babe. So I'm thinking that this week was 10 amazing dates. I mean Iguana Island alone was one for the record books. ;)

Clarke laughed, it was probably the worst day of the entire trip but she did get to hold onto him closely. She hates reptiles, they're an irrational fear and Bellamy gladly protected her from them. Maybe the day wasn't so bad after all.

 **Clarke:** Since we're counting lunch, we should count breakfast too. 15. Hey, what should I say to Octavia and Raven? I'm meeting them in an hour.

 **Bellamy:** What do you want to tell them?

 **Clarke:** I want to keep us to us right now so I could tell them you and Echo ended things and I was going on vacation and you tagged along and we're good now.

 **Bellamy:** We're better than good. You think we can keep this a secret?

 **Clarke:** Yeah, it shouldn't be that hard, you just need to keep the hands to a minimum.

 **Clarke:** Yeah, they'll know within an hour. Your handsy.

 **Bellamy:** You like it. Go have fun babe. I'll see you later.

Clarke smiled and turned to her closet to get dressed and prepared for the onslaught of questions she'll be dealing with. She should get there early and have a mimosa before they show up.

That's exactly what she did, though she had two because they were late and it made it better for her so she could be closer to drunk when dealing with the questions.

"You're a tomato!" Raven said hugging Clarke from behind when she showed up.

"I missed you too, Rae. Where's Tav?"

"Ugh, you know her, flirting with the host."

"Huh, I thought he was more your type."

"Yeah," Raven shrugged taking a seat next to Clarke. "But you know how she's been since the break up with Lincoln, I'm letting her do what she wants even though he was totally checking me out."

"And what about Wick."

"Who?" Raven smirked, "Dead and buried. No need to go into detail he was more into it than I was and then he moved. No biggie, mediocre sex."

"I'm still convinced you've only been with him and Finn, who else could there have been?"

"Uh… Bellamy but don't make it a big deal, it meant nothing and we're friends. He was never into me like that."

Clarke grimaced, of course Bellamy's been with Raven, she's his classic type.

"So, tell me about this spur of the moment vacation you guys went on. Last I knew, you weren't talking to him."

"I'd rather wait for Octavia, I don't want to tell the story twice."

Raven sighed taking a sip of her now warm mimosa and Octavia walked over and sat on the other side of Clarke.

"I miss sex and I missed my Clarkey! Vacation with Bellamy? What the hell?"

"We're friends, we're good. Not much to tell," Clarke shrugged andRaven and Octavia exchanged a look before turning back to Clarke.

"Friends?" Raven questioned, she was the only one that understood some part of Echo that no one else did, not even Bellamy (or so he said). "So I shouldn't tell you the Echo stormed into my apartment the day after Bellamy proposed screaming that he changed his mind?"

Clarke shrugged, she's going to be doing a lot of that during this brunch. "I don't know what to tell you, he came over Monday and I said I was leaving the next morning and he tagged along because he was free and he missed me, I don't know what you want me to say."

"Did anything happen?" Octavia pressed.

"We went to Little Water Cay to see the iguanas."

"Not what we meant."

"He's getting over Echo, wanted an escape and I happened to have had one."

"So you went on a romantic vacation with your 'friend' Bellamy, who you've been crushing on for months maybe years, and have barely spoken to since he'd gotten together with Echo? None of that sounds right."

"Well, that's what happened. We talked and we're cool again. I think we just needed time together to get back to who we were. I'm good with being his friend."

"That's the biggest lie you've ever told," Raven deadpanned.

"You guys can believe what you want but nothing happened. We hung out and talked about everything that's been going on and we're good."

"So then why did he break up with Echo after spending the night at your apartment?"

"He spent the night at your apartment?!" Raven exclaimed causing the entire restaurant to turn and glare at them. "What?" She glared and Clarke laughed.

"I was drunk and he took me home. He stayed over. It was normal until I woke up and remembered he was with Echo. I kicked him out, I wasn't bitchy exactly but he was wrong for staying over even if I asked."

"So you slept together and immediately regretted it even though you're in love with him."

"I think it was more that I wasn't his first choice anymore. No offense, Tav."

"Eh, you got him off my back, it's all good."

Clarke laughed and the girls talked about everything and nothing and Clarke walked back to her apartment feeling a tinge of guilt for hiding what she and Bellamy actually are but then again she doesn't know what they are, they never discussed it.

* * *

Three weeks later the girls were in a booth at their favorite bar and the guys were getting them drinks at the bar. Raven and Harper were pointing guys out that were checking Clarke out while Octavia was making out with some guy named Illian, she thinks.

"Guys, seriously, stop. I love you and I appreciate you trying to get back into dating but I'm good," Clarke protested, watching some girl walk up to Bellamy, feeling his biceps. She looked away and at Octavia, grimacing at the aggressiveness of their make out.

"His ego is so visible; I can almost watch it grow," Raven grimaced and Clarke looked at her friend.

"Who?"

"Bellamy, this girl is complimenting him and he can't seem to shake her off. He said he's not over Echo so why isn't he shaking her off?"

"He broke up with Echo, that's not sound logic," Harper said and Clarke stood up and walked over to the boys, knowing they're thinking she's going to be jealous and embarrass him but she's not. She knows he likes—loves—her so she's going to let him do his thing with the blonde with long flowy hair and looks like a super model.

"Miller, how are those drinks coming?"

"We were about to order but he got side tracked."

"Of course he did," she smirked before leaning over the bar. "Macallan! Hey, can I get seven shots of Jameson and seven Boston lagers please."

"There's eight of us," Miller noted and Clarke smirked.

"He can get his own."

"Clarke?" she heard Bellamy ask behind her and she looked over her shoulder at him.

"Hi, Bellamy," she said taking note on the blonde being nowhere in sight.

"Seven drinks?"

"Yeah, I need a ride home and whoever decides to bite the bullet is not drinking anymore."

"Sound logic for my petty, jealous princess."

"Oh, is that what I am?" Clarke crossed her arms knowing what it'd do to her cleavage and what it'd do to Bellamy.

His eyes dipped to her chest and she knew she had him and that he was going to cave into telling their friends.

"You're the devil," he sighed with a smirk.

"What are you going to do about it?"

Bellamy tugged her into him quickly and kissed her hard and sweet.

Clarke laughed as he pulled away, "I knew you couldn't last an hour."

"Yeah, yeah, you win this dick, let's go home," he smiled, nodding to their friends at the table and Clarke looked over her shoulder to find them all gawking at them.

She laughed and turned back to Bellamy, "We should give them something to look away from."

Bellamy laughed, "I'd rather just take you home."


	13. I Had a Nightmare About You

Clarke groaned, rolling over, trying to sleep when she heard it again, an incessant banging on her door. She thought she was dreaming the first time but this is certainly real.

"Four am?" she grumbled after looking at the clock. She tilted, off-kilter when she initially tried to stand. Her roommate rolled over moaning about something Clarke couldn't decipher and yanked the problematic door open to find Bellamy standing in the doorway, out of breath and sweaty.

"Thank God!" he wrapped her in a tight, sticky hug.

"Bellamy, what are you doing here?"

Bellamy sighed and pulled away, looking her over, making Clarke wish she wore a little more to bed than just a tank top and panties. "I had a nightmare about you and I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine. You drove three hours when you could have just called."

"I did call and you weren't answering."

"I was sleeping. You have work tomorrow—today—you should go home."

"I have off today. Can I stay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I don't have any classes today. Come in but be quiet, Harper has a class at ten and doesn't like waking up before 9:30."

"I can get behind that," he smiled stepping into the small dorm room.  
He sat on her bed and she closed the door, the only light was from the moon and neither of them were in the light but Clarke still itches to sketch his face. In the dark light of the room.

"So, you had a nightmare where something bad happened to me?" she asked softly, sitting next to him on her bed.

"Yeah, but you're okay so it's all good."

"You know, it was just five more days until I came home for Thanksgiving break. This dream must have been really bad if you drove three hours to make sure of it."

"If I tell you, you can't be mad at me."

"Okay?"

"The accident you had with your dad… you were the one that died, not him and I woke up completely incapable of breathing. It felt so real," his voice broke, like he was choking on the words and all Clarke could do was wrap her arms around him, leaning her chin on his shoulder from the awkward angle.

"You had a panic attack in your sleep?"

"I told you it was bad."

"So are you trying to say you miss me?"

"Of course I miss you. You're my favorite and it's been hell doing this without you."

Clarke bit her lip and let him go, falling back onto her pillow. She didn't know what to say to him, they were friends that grew closer and became best friends and then even as best friends the felt like more. Though they weren't and remembering that he wasn't hers was something she didn't know could hurt as much as it did.

Was she in love with him? Maybe.

Does she ever want to risk losing him? No.

Bellamy crawled into the bed behind her and they laid there, Bellamy's fingers entwining with hers and she knew there was nothing to look into with the move, he was just making sure she was alive unlike in his nightmare. She fell back to sleep with Bellamy's thumb tracing circles on the back of her hand.

Clarke woke up to hair in her face. Not unusual, she just tried not staying the night at Lexa's on principle of them breaking up and it just being a hook up, sleeping til the morning was something Clarke couldn't do. Taking a breath, the person didn't smell or feel like Lexa, this was a man. Then memories of last night crashed back to her, Bellamy showing up at 4 am with a nightmare of her death and they both have the day off.

"Right," she mouthed, a puff of her hot breath bouncing off his neck and back in her face. Her breath smells absolutely terrible and she wanted to go run and brush her teeth before Bellamy wakes but his right grip around her wasn't going to let that happen.

Reminding herself that this was Bellamy, her Bellamy of six years of friendship, six years of fights (tickle, food, and screaming matches alike) and inside jokes and documentaries about history and art and arguing over who's brownies were better (always his but she loved the banter), so her breath shouldn't matter after all this time. And really, it didn't, she just wished that she could not smell him because it's doing things to her body that purely platonic friends shouldn't feel for each other.

"Morning," he grumbled some time later after Clarke finally got the mantra dead puppies to work and she wasn't turned on by Bellamy any longer. He pulled her closer, practically on top of him (okay, completely on top of him) and he took a big breath in of her hair which thankfully was freshly washed and smelt amazing.

"Morning," she blinked, looking into his eyes.

"Clarke, I… I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you."

She sighed, licking her lips and avoiding Bellamy's gaze as much as she could, though it was difficult since their faces were inches apart.

She didn't realize that her hands were tracing his jaw and neck when he growled, his eyes on her lips and she stopped breathing at that realization.

"Bell."

"Tell me to stop," he said pulling her down to him slowly.

She couldn't, she's been fighting this for too long that telling him to stop would be ridiculous and nothing remotely close to what she wanted.

Their lips molded together, breaths becoming one as tongues mingled together and once they ran out of air, Bellamy chuckled.

"Maybe we should have brushed our teeth first."

Clarke shrugged, pressing a light kiss to Bellamy's lips. "A story for the grand kids."


	14. I Caught the Bouquet

Clarke knew that her mother would remarry once her father passed, she knew it was going to happen and once the announcement came through seven years after Jake Griffin passed, Clarke was… not happy about it being her father's best friend and essentially her uncle, but she was happy that her mother found happiness.

Then came the cluster of her and Lexa's nasty break up in the midst of helping her mother get the wedding together. It's Marcus' first wedding and he wanted something traditional whereas my mother was happy with a courthouse having the big white dress experience already.

Asking Bellamy to be her date was barely a thought, more like she knew he was already going and being each other's date was better than hearing her mother's coworkers and family members ask why she doesn't have a boyfriend. Then again she didn't expect them to say "Finally! We were wondering when the two of you would get your heads out of your asses about each other." So it was awkward, and Bellamy's hand didn't move from the small of her back, but he also didn't say anything, and she didn't know what to say, so she just smiled.

The wedding went through without a hitch, and the reception was fun, and Clarke was walking across the ballroom to go to the bathroom when a bouquet hit her in the chest, and she caught it, all the women rushed around her cheering and Clarke then realized that she caught the bouquet.

After a few minutes, the ladies left her, and she walked over to Bellamy who was talking to Thelonious Jaha about something, she wasn't listening, and she was lost because it was probably sports and she barely understood the football games she watched with her father.

"Could I steal Bellamy for a moment," she asked Thelonious after another quip of banter. Thelonious nodded and walked away, and Bellamy smirked at her, "What's up?"

"I caught the bouquet."

"You caught the bouquet?"

"Yeah, I'm supposedly the next one to get married now," she grimaced.

"Do you want to get married?"

That feels like a loaded question, and she didn't know how to answer it. "Who would I marry? I'm single."

"Me."

Clarke scoffed, "How drunk are you?"

"Barely tipsy, I'm driving you home," he said and looked up at her, his eyes previously glued to the bouquet in her hands.

"Oh."

Bellamy licked his lips and reached out but changed his mind and Clarke smiled because she knew he was nervous. She stepped into him, dropping the bouquet on the table next to them and she was glad they were semi-secluded for when she cupped his face, bringing him down to her and when their lips were inches apart she asked, "How long have you wanted me?"

"Years," he breathed looking clear in her eyes.

"You're such a dummy," Clarke smiled, going on her tippy-toes and kissed Bellamy, having to stop due to the giant smiles on both of their faces.


	15. That Doesn't Even Make Sense

"Did I ever tell you why I hate the beach?" Bellamy asked lying next to Clarke on a towel in the sun at Seal Beach.

Clarke smirked, peaking over at the water where Madi was body boarding with a few of her friends. "No, do tell why a renowned swimmer and certified Los Angeles County lifeguard hates the beach."

"Former certified lifeguard. I'm a certified California school teacher now. So aside from spending half my years at the beach which wasn't as bad as you'd think, I wasn't actually in the sand or water, I had my guard stand that separated me from everyone mostly. There was rarely a call for me to do anything. It was awesome aside from the sand. I absolutely hate sand. Do you know how awkward hook ups were? Even in November I was finding sand everywhere. What I hate about the beach is how dirty it is. It's a breeding ground for bacteria and diseases. I want none of it."

"Athlete's foot is so sexy though!" Clarke chided and Bellamy nudged her with his shoulder.

"Worse than athletes foot. Murphy's come home with rashes of obscure natures and we didn't know what the hell to do about any of it."

"Isn't that how we met? You brought Murphy into the ER with something."

"That was his broken ankle, hence needing your orthopedic genius brain."

"It was a fracture you babies. He was fine after four weeks, I don't know why you kept coming in every week."

"There was this hot doctor that's most definitely out of my league but I couldn't get her out of my head so a bought of light stalking some how turned into a date and some heavy petting."

"That doesn't even make sense," Clarke goaded, loving his side of the story she's never heard before. "Why would she go out with you if she was out of your league?"

"I never said I got that doctor, her colleague though… this banging body, tall, curves in all the right places, long brown hair, completely my type."

Clarke gapped at him, "You did not!"

"Raven? Yeah, once. Before I knew you."

"You married me without telling me you boned my best friend?"

"I feel like we're getting really off topic here. Raven and I had sex, I met you, I fell in love with you and midst successfully convincing you I'm worth it, found out your best friend was a previous one night stand. It meant nothing, she was using me to get over Finn."

Clarke grimaced, she knew Bellamy wouldn't cheat on her now, but she was self-conscious while they dated and if she knew that, she probably would have never talked to him again so it was a blessing in disguise finding out now. "Okay. So you hate the beach because you're a closet germaphobe?"

Bellamy leaned over and kissed Clarke's pinking shoulder. "Essentially but not a full phobia, I'm here and I'm enjoying spending the day with you and our girl. I'm just ignoring the fact that we're all riddled with bacteria and sand demons."

"Sand demons?" Clarke stifled a laugh.

"They're a thing."

She smiled, "You're an idiot and I love you."

"Yeah, I love you too," he smiled before attacking her and smothering her with kisses.

"Mercy!" Clarke laughed, attempting to catch her breath. "Mercy!"


	16. My Ex Just Invited Me to Their Wedding

Clarke stormed into the apartment, door slamming behind her and headed to the kitchen. Bellamy grimaced, dropping the novel he was attempting to read for the fifteenth time, because Clarke has never looked like that and it was troubling (he also ignored the fact that she was heading straight for the kitchen, he does all the cooking so maybe that's also a problem but he can deal with that later).

Walking into the room, he found Clarke guzzling the Grey Goose he had in the back of the freezer. "Woah, Princess, whatever this is about, I'm sure we can talk about it without getting drunk in five seconds."

Dropping the bottle from her mouth unceremoniously, letting it slam into the counter behind her and the liquid sloshed out of the bottle onto the floor, Bellamy refrained from grabbing a towel to immediately clean it up so he could focus on Clarke's current melt down. "My ex just invited me to their wedding and I need you to be my date so it doesn't look like I've spent the last few years failing to get over them."

Bellamy nodded and grabbed the bottle before Clarke could take another swig. "First of all, you've been arrested because of what vodka does to you so no more vodka. Secondly, which ex because I thought I knew them all. Thirdly, you don't have to get drunk to ask me to go to a wedding with you, just some bribery with free food and alcohol, though it also depends on whose wedding."

"Finn."

Bellamy laughed, "Why would you go to that asshole's wedding after what he did to you and Raven?"

"I don't want to go, but Raven is going and I told her I would too for solidarity, but now I'm regretting it because I hate him. I also have a pity date with you unless you change your mind."

Bellamy sighed, he knew she wasn't going to see it how he did. He's loved her for far too long for anything to mean something other than them being best friends. Essentially friend-zoned and he wished he could change that somehow, never quite knowing what he could do to change it. It was just facts, Bellamy was in love with Clarke but they'll forever be just friends.

"I'm not going to change my mind. When is it?"

"Columbus day weekend."

"So we have six weeks, we have time."

"You forget that Finn knows and hates you."

"Just because I let women know where I stood with them up front doesn't mean I'm a bad guy. I'm an asshole, it's different. He's the one that simultaneously lied and cheated on two amazing women, that should automatically make him the bad guy."

"Yes, and in my book he is but that doesn't mean that I don't want to show him up at his own wedding. I imagined beating him to the alter, being more successful than him professionally, and having kids, maybe just one. I wanted to be ahead of him somehow and I'm not. He cheated and lied and he's getting married while I'm single, unemployed, and barren. I lose."

Mental breakdown Clarke wasn't something Bellamy ever wanted to see or deal with, he never through of how to handle her and he's hoping he's doing a good job. He took away the vodka, that's always a good start but he doesn't know how to push her out of this spiraling rabbit hole.

"First of all, any guy would be lucky to have you, you are… magnificent. You have a job, you're a pediatrician and the kids love you! Madi loves you, I thought you were going to adopt her. She's your kid."

"Her mother showed up."

"Her… I'm sorry."

"I want to fight it but they like putting biological families together even though she abandoned her for ten years, even though Madi said she wants to be with me."

Bellamy wrapped his arms around her, kissing her temple. "You'll get her. Her mom's going to leave again or be deemed unfit, Madi will be your daughter."

Clarke snuggled into his chest and his heart erupted, heating him everywhere and he smiled at the thought of falling asleep like that every night in bed and for a moment he had hope. For a moment he thought he could actually have it with her.

The six weeks passed quickly and Bellamy was rushing around the week before the wedding to get his suit tailored properly, according to Clarke it was too large on him and should fit like a second skin. Octavia and Raven told him that he should just tell her how he feels already and Bellamy grimaced before begging Raven not to tell Finn that they're not married or that Kuma and Madi aren't their children. He has pictures of the four of them just in case Finn asks to see their children.

Kuma is Octavia and Lincoln's son, they spent six months in Japan and fell in love with the word for bear so they gave him the odd name, it helped that he was a chubby baby that could look like a bear cub if he had fur. Definitely the cutest bear cub he's ever seen though.

Not that Clarke knew it was a plan he had to make her feel better about this whole wedding, but he got Raven to agree not to throw him under the bus and tell Finn it was all a lie and not tell Clarke that he's in love with her though it should be obvious by the end of the wedding.

When he showed up at her apartment, he smiled at the sight of her in the yellow dress that she knew Finn would hate but she looked absolutely stunning in and he told him as much, the rings tightly in his fist in his pocket.

He just doesn't know how to execute this plan without freaking her out and making Raven and Shaw call him a moron for the next five to ten years. He might not know how to slip the rings on her finger without it seeming too much like a proposal. Maybe a year or two after they've been dating, not now.

"So I had an idea," he finally said when they were ten minutes to the botanical gardens where Finn and—her forgot her name, Cynthia? Good enough—Cynthia were getting married and Clarke looked over at him.

"Uh-oh," she said playfully.

"Shush. So you wanted to be more successful than Finn. You've always had a better job, you had Madi and we're going to get her back, you just need a husband or wife but you asked me to come with you today so I'm going with husband unless you'd prefer I was your wife."

"You're getting stupid. So you're saying that you're willing to be my fake husband?"

"I… Yes. I have my mom's old wedding and engagement rings in my pocket. Do you…" he sighed taking the exit and turned right towards the botanical garden.

"I think it's a little shady but he was jealous of you so okay."

"Yeah?" he grimaced, why does that upset him? Why is he doing this to himself? He's an idiot for doing this.

He pulled the car into the parking lot and parked in the first spot he found, reaching into his pocket and held them up to her.

"Will you be fake married to me for the next eight hours?"

"It would my honor, Bellamy Blake," she smiled and let him put the rings on her finger.

"I think this is the most insane thing I've ever done," she laughed, arm tucked into his as they walked over to the field for the ceremony.

She went to the bathroom to make sure she didn't interrupt the ceremony and Bellamy headed to the seats and walked right into Finn.

"Bellamy? What are you doing at my wedding?"

"You invited Clarke to your wedding, I'm her date."

"Her date?"

"Husband, yes."

"You and Clarke got married? Why didn't Raven tell me?"

"Maybe because Clarke and I didn't want you anywhere near the wedding."

"So then why are you here?"

"Clarke said we were going to a wedding, didn't tell me whose so here I am," he said, itching to punch Finn in the face already. Yeah, he's lying to the guy but he doesn't want him to know that he's there to get Clarke, pretending to be her husband was a weird angle but he could figure something out. He has this, he thinks.

"Hey," he felt a hand on his arm and instantly relaxed at the feel of her next to him. "Hi, Finn, this is beautiful. We chose lilies but peonies are lovely as well."

"Yeah, thanks. Nice dress. I should—I should go, the wedding is going to start in a minute, I think there are seats next to Raven and Shaw."

Finn walked away and Bellamy looked at Clarke and she shrugged smiling at him. "Let's go find Raven and Shaw," she dragged him along behind her.

"Hey guys," Clarke smiled a minute later, sitting next to Raven.

"Woah, nice rock," Raven said lowly.

"Thanks, it's his mother's."

"Bellamy, you didn't even spend money on her?" Raven scolded with a wink. "Cheap bastard."

"Yeah, yeah, Reyes. We're not all made of money and can afford new wedding rings. I had it around, she's happy. We're happy. Shut the hell up."

"Hostile," Shaw smiled.

Clarke turned her whole body to him, "Yeah, why are you acting like this?"

"Because I didn't know Collins was going to be such a dick at his own wedding."

"You knew him for a week before we found out about Raven, you can't… Yeah, I totally knew it was going to happen."

"Thanks, babe. I completely appreciate your lack of faith in me," Bellamy rolled his eyes.

"You two are so cute together, why haven't you been out in public together lately? I've missed you two," Raven smirked and Shaw winked at him and Clarke grimaced, turning to look at them.

"What are you talking about?"

"We've been busy raising our kids. We adopted Madi and we have a two year old son, Leo, who's been a handful lately so we haven't been out much."

"That was so smooth," Raven gaped and Bellamy smiled.

"Do you want to see pictures? We have a ton!"

"Oh, my God! Yes!" Raven did grabby hands at his phone.

"Reyes, seriously? It's Madi and Kuma, you've met them!" Clarke said.

"Yes, but he's just so convincing about it all. I thought this was real. Why isn't this real again?"

"We're—it's…" the _Wedding March_ started and Bellamy glared at Raven as they all stood and turned toward the aisle where a blonde in a veil walked down the aisle.

"My dress will be better," Clarke whispered ahead of him and he reached for her hand, taking it in his.

"Most beautiful bride," he agreed squeezing her fingers. Her thumb twitched against his knuckle before pulling away.

 _What was that?_ He thought before the ceremony continued and it was annoying but he will give it to Cynthia and Finn, their wedding is beautiful.

The reception was in a barn on the property and that was gorgeous too and Bellamy wasn't one to really think about weddings but the entire time he was picturing Clarke as the bride and him as the groom. He'd actually like all the flowers and candles if it were his wedding to her.

Clarke avoided him a majority of the time except during dinner where they had to sit next to each other. She mingled across the room from him and when the desserts came out she sat back at the table, talking with Raven and Shaw.

"Want to dance?" he asked before she walked away again after eating her slice of dry vanilla cake.

"Uh…"

"Finn's been watching us, so we really should to stay convincing."

She nodded and took his hand, following him out to the dance floor.

"We look so in love," he deadpanned during the second chorus of a song he didn't recognize.

"Why are you doing this, Bellamy? Saying that you were my boyfriend would have been enough."

"Still a lie. Go big or go home."

"What did you get out of this?"

"Calling you my wife," he said quickly and too honestly. The thought of spending the rest of his life with Clarke was optimistic to say the least but if there was a chance for him to be with her, he'd jump on it and wouldn't do anything to fuck it up. He wanted her more than anything.

"Bellamy, you can't just say things like that. I know you've been drinking, but—"

"Two. I've had two beers in the last four hours. I'm not drunk, I'm not even tipsy."

"Oh."

They continued dancing and Clarke seemed on edge while stepping on his feet. They danced for a few more songs before Clarke looked over his shoulder and grimaced.

"What?" he asked as her fingers moved from his shoulders to his hair.

"Kiss me," she sighed before pulling him down to her.

"Clarke," he said pulling away from the chaste kiss.

"It looked like we were angry and avoiding each other the entire reception. We're good now," she smiled.

"You're strangely good at pretending."

"Just letting you know that that's not our first kiss. It'll definitely be better than that."

Bellamy smiled. Later that night in the living room, she was right, it was better and he swore to never make a mistake regarding her or their relationship.


	17. You Can't Die Please Don't Die

"I love you," she said for the first time. She was holding his hand, she knew he wasn't going to respond but the fact that she could finally admit it and he was unconscious in a hospital bed after five hours of surgery shouldn't count, but she said it, and he was in the room.

She tried getting all the information from Miller when they rolled Bellamy into her ER, but all she got out of it was "he was shot" and everything around her faded away until all that was left was losing him. She knew being in love with her best friend was going to be a difficult feat but to be in love with a police officer and praying he'll come back home every night was something else entirely.

How could she be an ER doc and in love with a police officer, it's insanity! She could barely finish her shift after Bellamy came through the door with blood pouring out of his chest and abdomen, but she pushed through, and she's here with him.

Technically no one but family is allowed in the CICU, but she's a doctor, and the closest Bellamy has to family in New York since Octavia ran away to Austin after the break up with Lincoln, so Clarke was all Bellamy had, and she's his emergency contact.

"God, I know I'm being irrational, and Dr. Tsing said that you'll likely pull through and make a full recovery, but I'm freaking out. Imagine how I was when Raven was hit by the car, that's me right now worried about you, Bellamy. I am begging you, don't die. You can't die. Please don't die."

She knew it wasn't the most healthy thing for her to have been doing for the three days she was there before Octavia showed up, storming into the room like she owned it.

"Clarke, what are you doing here?" she asked, her hair shorter and a lot more tattoos than she remembered from years ago.

"In my best friend's hospital room after he got shot? Hmm, I don't know. Why did it take you three days to get here?"

"I had some business to finish taking care of before I could go anywhere."

"Yeah, because being a DJ means you can't visit your brother."

"I had a contract, and I couldn't just walk away without owing the club money for canceling. You may get to be a doctor here, but I have to go where the money takes me."

"You were happy here with Lincoln, but you decided to leave him and travel the world. For what? Money? You had money with him. You had a life, and your brother nearly died, and you couldn't even show up within twenty- four hours? That's shitty, Octavia! He's the only family you have!"

"You're only saying this because you're in love with him."

"How I feel has nothing to do with you not showing up for him!"

"Well, I'm here now so you can go!"

The next three weeks were the same, Clarke and Octavia fought over every aspect of Bellamy's care and pretty much everything that happened before Octavia left.

But Clarke did stay after Octavia left to get some sleep and she told him she loved him every night and every time he didn't wake up her heart broke slightly, but the doctor in her knew it had nothing to do with her. She was mostly concerned about him not waking up; he should have woken up by now.

"I've been showering in your room," she said once Octavia left again. "Miller's been bringing me clothes to change in, and I think he's running out of clean clothes for me because there was a tag on my underwear this morning."

"Sorry. That's weird to tell you; I'm just trying to keep my hopes up even though it's way past the six days. I'm still hoping to tell you that I love you when you're awake and can let me down easy," Clarke sighed, dropping her head to the bed next to him wondering when Maya last changed his sheets.

"Kind of sad that that's your expectation," a gravelly voice said, and she turned to the door, but it was solidly closed and turned to Bellamy who was awake and smirking at her.

"You're awake," she smiled, and she was about to hug him when she remembered his injuries.

"I really want to be romantic about this, but I'm in some pain."

"Yeah, I told them you couldn't have drugs because of the NA thing. Do you want some? I mean…"

"No. No, thank you for having my back even though this sucks," he groaned.

Clarke nodded, "So you heard all of that?"

"I heard a majority of it. Did not want to picture Miller buying you underwear, but I like that you were here. How long have I been…"

"Three weeks."

"You've been here for three weeks?"

"I've been here three years, I just haven't left in three weeks."

Bellamy laughed, and it turned into a groan of pain. "This would be a lot more romantic if I wasn't in so much pain. What the hell was I shot with?"

"You had Kevlar on so those armor-piercing bullets."

"Shit. This is going to be a bitch healing."

"You did the bulk of it unconscious, so that's a plus."

Bellamy didn't say anything, and Clarke looked over at him, and he was watching her.

"What?" she grimaced nervously at him. Seriously how does he look so good fresh out of a three-week coma?

"I—I love you."

She smiled but didn't move, she craved to kiss him but didn't want to hurt him.

Four days later Clarke helped Bellamy get home, he sent Octavia back to wherever she was supposed to be. He loves her, but she doesn't know what to do with people loving her. It was something Clarke felt bad about, but she couldn't change it. Maybe one day she'll have someone she could love unconditionally like Bellamy and Lincoln love her.

Once they were back at their apartment, Bellamy smiled at her leaning against the kitchen table.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because I never thought this could happen."

"This? What is this?"

"Well, in three weeks when I stop feeling like I can't breathe and my ribs and clavicle are healed, I'm taking you out on a date."

"A date? As opposed to us ordering Chinese and watching a new Dark Tourist?"

"Those could be dates too. I really want to take you out though."

Clarke nodded and licked her lips, "I could be into that."

"Yeah, we'll finish with ice cream. I know my girl."

"Mm," she smirked stepping into him. "Your girl, huh?"

Bellamy looked down at her with a smirk on his face. She's going to make him say it. The last month has been hell, and she needs to hear him say it.

"I get a little possessive when it comes to the person I'm in love with. You're my girl."


	18. I Got You a Present

Bellamy had a plan, he always had a plan and something always got in the way but today he couldn't let that happen. Not today of all days, it's too important, a monumental milestone of life that he couldn't miss.

The plan was that he would leave after work at two o'clock and arrive at the college at five before they go out to a bar and drink until they don't remember. He switched his afternoon shift at the coffeehouse with Jasper's morning shift so he could take Maya out someplace nice and spend actual time without worrying that he would be too tired for work in the morning, it was a good deal except for the three hours of sleep Bellamy got between his closing shift and opening shift.

Then as he was getting into his car, Octavia called to bail her out of jail… again. That took an hour so his plan was pushed back to getting to the college at 6, still manageable but not the best. A tire blew on the highway and he had to change it in the pouring rain that, of course, wasn't in the forecast for the day and was so sudden that there wasn't a cloud in the sky until he popped his trunk to get the spare and the jack.

He was dripping wet when he climbed back into his cloth drivers seat, incapable of seeing anything through the windshield so he sat on the side of the road for twenty minutes until the rain died down. It was what he hated most about living on the west coast and wondered on nearly a daily basis why he doesn't move back to Chicago.

Of course, he knows the answer, Octavia is in Los Angeles and though he doesn't spend a lot of time with her—even though they're in the same city—they're still family, the only one either of them have. He's trying to give her the space she asked for, but what kind of space involves calling him once every two months to bail her out of jail for various nefarious reasons and doesn't explain her actions at all?

All together the time pushed him back two and a half hours, so he'd be getting to UCSD at 7:30 but then there was a five car accident blocking all lanes on 73, backing up onto the 405 for twenty minutes. And then a tractor trailer turned over on I-5 outside Oceanside and Bellamy was half tempted to turn around giving up because Clarke was definitely already at a bar drinking her first legal drink and he's stuck on the interstate in standstill traffic. He wanted to be there for it, he wanted to buy her her first legal drink and when he was helping her get home maybe drop the knowledge on her that he's been in love with her for years and has just been a pure idiot about it and maybe she won't remember in the morning and that would be fine; it'll suck if she doesn't feel the same way, but he'd at least know she got home safely. That's what really mattered.

But he didn't turn around, he sat in the traffic that built up for three more hours, glad that he brought some snacks for the drive. He was still starving and he knew she was probably out but figured he could ask someone where the campus bar was but from where he finally found a parking spot and was walking around campus, hoping to get to either her dorm room or find someone who knew where she was and everyone he asked had no clue which just aggravated him even more.

Looking at his watch, Bellamy grimaced, finding out it was 11:55, her birthday was five minutes away from being over and he might not make it. A girl pointed to where Coast apartments were and Bellamy ran, quickly getting there in two minutes and found Clarke's building, rushing inside to her room and pounding his fist on the door hoping she was inside.

11:58. He made it.

The door swung open finally and Bellamy came face to face with a crying Clarke. Her eyes puffy, red, and watery, tears streaming down her cheeks as she sniffles. "Bellamy?" she asked, voice raspy from the ice cream she shouldn't be eating, she's going to feel horrible in the morning. She always eats ice cream when she's upset and it just makes her life worse.

"I got you a present."

"I thought you forgot."

"I could _never_ forget your birthday, Princess."

She smiled weakly, sniffling again before jumping him for a hug.

"Traffic was…" Bellamy sighed, getting a whiff of her mandarin vanilla shampoo. "God, horrible. Did it rain here?"

"No." She pulled back and Bellamy's heart sank, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her in his arms. They fit perfectly together.

"Good, it was terrible."

"Come in, my roommate is at her boyfriend's tonight."

Bellamy nodded, following her into her dorm, his hands in his leather jacket pocket, rubbing over the velvet box. Getting a good look at her, he thought he was going to die, her tight, worn tank top showing off all her curves and were those shorts or underwear? The only part of her he could look at without gaining a boner aside from her face and just barely with that one, was her fuzzy socks with the pandas and polka dots.

"I had a plan to be here by five and I'm seven hours late, partly Octavia, mostly people not knowing how to drive. I'm sorry."

"You didn't text or call all day so I thought you forgot and—" she shook her head sitting down on her bed and picked up the pint of ice cream from her desk.

Bellamy grabbed the ice cream and put it in her mini fridge. "You need to stop eating this."

"I know. It's my comfort food that I will regret tomorrow."

He sat next to her on her bed and pulled her into his chest. "I didn't call or text because I was supposed to be here. I'm late."

"Okay. So, what'd you get me?"

Her voice sounded happy, her mood shifting into something he could recognize.

He should have brought booze, he thought panicking, not reaching for the box in his pocket. "Um…"

"What? You forgot it in your car?" she scoffed.

"Uh, no. I… I had this night planned out, I'd go with you and your friends to the bar and I'd make sure you get back here safe and not have to worry about your response, cause I'd leave it on your desk and head back to LA."

"You think I'm going to hate it?"

"No, I think you're going to love it." He reached in his pocket and pulled out the box, placing it on her bare thigh.

He watched her out of the corner of his eye and she didn't move for a minute and when she did, she readjusted how she was sitting and popped the lid up, staring at the necklace. He looked down and licked his lips, trying not to look over at her.

"Help me put it on?" she asked after a minute and Bellamy looked over to her sweet smile and shining eyes.

Taking the necklace from her as she turned around. His thumb grazed over the crystal "C" in the gold heart pendant before he went to the clasp and unlatched it before helping put it on her. His fingers grazed her neck and she let out a sigh that could possibly be in his head but it was cute and he wished he could kiss her.

"Good, it's good," he took a step back and Clarke turned around, her eyes on the floor.

"I know it's because my name starts with a C but…" she finally looked up at him and his confusion. "I wish it were a 'B'."

Bellamy smirked, knowing exactly what she meant because it's was the necklace he was looking at before finding the "C", thinking it was more appropriate. "You do?"

She nodded, stepping closer to him, "Yeah, I do."

"Thank God," Bellamy whispered, cupping her cheek, leaning down for a kiss.

Clarke pulled away and Bellamy grimaced until he realized she was pulling her shirt off.

"I'm in love you," he said before she got the shirt over her head.


	19. Oops (We Got Married in Vegas) (PART 1)

Clarke rolled her eyes when Luna told her this year's conference was going to be in Vegas. It wasn't the ideal place to hold the convention, people will get distracted and, okay, maybe she's a keynote speaker and wants a full house, there's nothing wrong with that. She's just assuming everyone's going to skip it to gamble or see Jennifer Lopez or Britney Spears, she's nervous, it's her first keynote.

Clarke didn't walk into the New York education system expecting to go to the annual national conference representing her school, but that's what happened, mainly because she was the last one hired but now it's also because she actually kind of enjoys it. Meeting people from all across the country and discussing their experiences and how they've learned to handle certain situations. They also drank and spent their nights frivolously which she is sure why they chose Vegas for this year's convention, but it seems a little too raunchy for a mid-November convention for educators. It wasn't Clarke's decision and she's still going so when she walks on the plane to get there that Thursday and found out her seat partner is Bellamy Blake, she grimaced and wanted to tear her hair out and they haven't even said anything. She shoved her carry on in the above compartment and took her backpack off her shoulders before stepping into the row to sit in the middle seat.

"Princess isn't in first class this year?"

"Shut up, Bellamy." She rolled her eyes and placed her bag under the seat in front of her, making sure she could easily access her iPad to work on her speech.

Settled in, she pulled her phone from her back pocket and checked her emails before they asked her to turn her device off as they were taking off and as they were halfway in the air Bellamy spoke again.

"I assumed you'd be one of those people who read the pamphlets every time they got on a plane."

"I hate you."

"Oh, come on, Clarke," he chuckled. "I heard you're a keynote this year."

"Yep."

"Do you need any help with your speech? I had the entire room laughing by the end of mine."

There it was, the reason Clarke hated him. He was a keynote before her and he became a teacher after her. Going to these conventions because he actually outwardly likes them and always enjoys his time there. And it's annoying. He did his talk on not comparing siblings to each other years apart, apparently his sister didn't meet the Blake standard he'd set seven years prior. It made Clarke's head itch when he said he was seven years older than his sister and just became a teacher after graduating college at the same time that she did. Clarke didn't know what to make of that information or if it was even appropriate to ask what he was doing those seven years he wasn't going to school, which irked her.

"No thanks, Blake. I think I can handle talking to a room full of teachers for an hour."

"Yeah, but what are you going to talk about? You have to have a passion for what you're talking about otherwise you'll lose people. Remember Murphy three years ago?"

"Yeah, I'm not Murphy," she grimaced.

"You work at the same school and your test scores haven't changed, are you sure? Did you have a sex change?"

"You've known me for six years asshole. You know why I hate coming to these conventions? Because I hate having to put up with you. You're arrogant and think you know better than everyone and you don't! You call me Princess and yet you're the one that rules the place like it's your own!"

"Was that supposed to be an insult?"

"Yes."

"Well it wasn't. I'm a people person, Princess, maybe if you were too, you'd enjoy it."

"I'm a people person and I have friends here."

"Reyes doesn't count, she's a NASA engineer, she teaches for fun."

"She's still a teacher, Blake and she goes to these things for the weekend of free booze and exploring a new city."

"So like you?"

"I've been to every city we've been too before. There's nothing new for me to go to."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I didn't know you were so well cultured."

"Cincinnati, Santa Fe, Portland and Detroit is cultured to you?"

"Better than Iraq and Afghanistan."  
Clarke's face fell, "Oh."

"Oh?" Bellamy smirked and she wondered if that's what he was doing all those years he didn't go to college before his sister, he was fighting for their country. "I didn't serve. Not properly. I was in the army but I was never deployed. I told them seven years and they pay for my college along with my sister's and they agreed. I was better at training soldiers than actually being one."

"I didn't ask."

"I did lose a buddy over there, he was the most passive-aggressive guy you'd have ever met. The day I got the call to tell his wife was their son's first birthday. I told them to wait a day and she thanked me for that but she had early-onset dementia and she's gone and my sister has him. He called me Dad and I couldn't be in the same room as him for a week."

"I'm sorry, Bellamy. I didn't know."

Yeah, I didn't know you're a great guy who took in his friend's baby after he and his wife passed. I'm sorry I assumed you were this asshole that taught history as a mockery. Not that I'd ever say that to you.

"Well, we're not exactly friends, now are we, Griffin?"

Though Bellamy Blake wasn't Clarke's ideal seatmate on a five and a half hour flight, that's where they were at and his confession was something of a truce for the time being. Clarke wasn't going to let his story of taking in his friends' son as anything more than the right thing to do. He's still a righteous asshole.

He made a comment about grammar, looking over her shoulder as she worked on her talk. He made his interactive and she thought that maybe she should do that too but she never really connected with anyone at these except for Raven… and Bellamy. She will give it to him, even though their respective schools are rivals, he's a damn good teacher. She thinks she heard that he's the coach of the varsity volleyball team but she wasn't sure and she wasn't about to ask anytime soon.

When the plane landed and they were disembarking, she gave him a curt nod and headed with her weekend carry-on out to the arrival bay to catch a cab to the hotel.

"Hey, Clarke," he said behind her, touching her shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"You're staying at the Bellagio, right?"

"That's where the convention is, yeah."

"Would you mind splitting a cab? Environmentally friendly."

"They're Priuses, but sure."

Bellamy nodded and they got in the same cab, taking the short drive that was somehow excruciatingly awkward in silence.

"So, I'll see you at dinner?" he asked, waiting for the elevator.

"Yeah," she said, the first night of the convention was always a dinner with the other teachers from your state so she and Bellamy are going to be at the same table at seven-thirty that night.

The entire night she ignored Bellamy to remain civil, spotting Raven from across the room at the Texas table. Whoever organized the convention this year thought it'd be hilarious to place the tables where their state was on the map, but placed Hawaii and Alaska at the Rhode Island table and Clarke looked over at them from New York and kind of wished she could be sitting at that eclectic table instead of with Bellamy who was having a deep conversation about net neutrality with Bree and she knows for a fact that Gina from Washington and Roma from New Mexico were eyeing him to see if they could sleep with him again and Clarke rolled her eyes, he's slept with half the room, including Raven and she doesn't want to hear about it with anyone so she's the wallflower and Raven's the only one who doesn't ignore her. Mostly because they already know each other but also because Raven thinks everyone else is a complete moron that's prerogative is to baby their students, which they're both completely against. Clarke thought that they could be friends outside of the conventions and they are, technically, they text all the time and video-chat at least once a month in the grocery store bitching about product placement in TV and film that makes us want to buy the product that is definitely bad for every human being but tastes amazing. The concept of it is great, getting people to buy Doritos instead of non-GMO corn and grass-fed milk or whatever, it was an ideal move to get money for production but the integrity of the industry has plummeted and neither of them want to support it… except for Stranger Things (Eggos anyone?), they love Stranger Things, Dustin and Steve, Nancy and Jonathan, they're goals!

Getting to catch up and hang out with Raven was the best part of the convention, hearing about her non-confidential work at NASA is cool and Clarke sharing her stories about selling her commissioned art on Etsy when she wasn't grading and planning her syllabus was fun and Clarke missed having someone to talk to that understood what it's like to date after being cheated on.

Clarke's keynote was Friday morning and was about students' individuality and narrowing down each student's best way of learning and forming the curriculum and lessons around how to best teach each and every student as a collective as well as making it feel individualized. The tone and feel of the class was also something that was brought up. The entire time she was speaking she tried not looking for Bellamy, seeking approval. No one but the coordinators and the keynote were supposed to know what the convention was about before the keynote address, but having Bellamy next to her on the plane while she worked on her speech meant that he knew. There was a moment where she found him and made a point not to look in that direction for the rest of her speech.

There was something very different about standing in the front of her classroom teaching her students and standing on a stage at a podium reciting her speech to a thousand of her peers and she was anxious but she felt empowered at the same time. Like an adrenaline rush from the heightened fear of screwing up.

She felt accomplished, not messing up once but she also felt it was because she prepared and didn't drink the night before and have a hangover like Bellamy last year, continuously stumbling over the word correlation while talking about siblings. It would have been a moving keynote if he didn't stumble over his own words.

"You were great," she heard a gravely voice tell her from behind as she headed into the hall for one of the group practice hours. She knows it's supposed to be experimental but after talking about it for a half hour she feels as though she needs to ace this or she's just full of shit. Bellamy aced his last year while hungover and mispronouncing words. If she doesn't, it means she's not as good a teacher as he is and what does that say about her if her sober teaching isn't as good as Bellamy Blake's drunken teaching?

"Thanks?"

"You figuring out your game plan? It's teaching a group of different types of students, regardless of how hard you try with each individual, they can still fail. I'm a great teacher but I struggled in math as a kid. I know how to use a calculator and how to grade, that's about it. I send my taxes to my sister because her husband is an accountant."

"Your sister is Octavia Blake-Lincoln, you're telling me that Ricky Lincoln is an accountant? But he…"

"He's built like a wrestler? I know, I've fought him. He's a beast. He's a very well-rounded pacifist, he owns an art gallery, does accounting work, boxes. He's… he's good for my sister."

Maybe Clarke shouldn't know so much about Bellamy's family. Maybe because it's not well known that Bellamy's sister was married to one of the richest guys on the Upper East Side before she even knew that about him. Clarke and he and Roan McGowan went to school together and Clarke was roommates with Bellamy's sister in college freshman year, introducing her and Lincoln, not expecting a quick 6 months of dating, year engagement and 9 years of marriage to have already passed.

Clarke did question how close of friends they were when she didn't know Octavia had a brother until the wedding but then she met him and he was an ass. An ass that became her rival fairly quickly when she found out he was the history teacher at her school's rival. She might have thought he was attractive until she witnessed him come out of the closet with a blonde halfway through the reception and left a half hour again with a brunette.

Ever since they were at each other's throats so it was weird at the celebration party marking the end of the convention, he walked up to her and asked how her night was going.

She was sufficiently drunk and let herself indulge in everything that was Bellamy Blake, the thick floppy curls, the five o'clock shadow and freckles, the tight ropes of veins on his forearms exposed by his constantly rolled up sleeves. He was a gorgeous specimen of man and Clarke gave into everything she's been holding herself back from feeling and indulging in.

"Good," she answered with a smile and turned around to find him smirking at her. Always with that smirk, she doesn't recall ever seeing him fully smile.

"That's good. Am I going to have to nurse you back home on the flight tomorrow?"

Grimacing she stuck her tongue out at him. "I can handle my liquor."

"Clearly," he chuckled and she thought that maybe that could be a smile. Probably not.

"You know," she poked his hard chest. "We're surrounded by boring people," she whisper-yelled, not seeing all the people turn their head at her with hard glares and Bellamy gave them apologetic looks. Not sorry for Clarke telling the truth, just sorry that they heard it but they didn't need to know that.

"You want to get out of here?"

Pulling away she looked at him. "I'm not going to sleep with you."

"Amending the offer to no amusement parks."

The insinuation was a puzzle and she thinks she gets it. Maybe. "You're not funny though."

"That's a haunted house. I said amusement parks, they're fun and sleeping with me is fun and fulfilling. You don't want that so it's off the table. You in?"

"Raven…"

"Shaw showed up a half hour ago. She's been in the corner with him since."

Nodding, Clarke took a step towards the exit, stumbling, being caught on the arm by Bellamy. "Maybe I should help you back to your room instead."

"No. This dress… it was meant to be seen and the only people that have seen it are you and these boring teachers. We should go to the casino! I haven't been the entire weekend!"

"Okay, I'll sit you down at a slot machine and—"

"Poker. I want to play poker. I have a great poker face."

Bellamy scoffed. "You're very drunk, Princess."

"Poker, Blake. Let's go!" she dragged him along and They made it out of the ballroom and to the elevator before she swayed again and Bellamy caught her.

"We should really get you back to your room."

"Are you a mother hen in New York took or just when you're supposed to be on vacation?"

"This is not a vacation. This is unpaid work. You're certain about the casino?"

"Absolutely! Come to Mama chippies!"

Bellamy laughed wholeheartedly and Clarke's heart swelled, telling her she needs more alcohol so she doesn't keep wanting to kiss those plump lips. Why does she like him all of a sudden?

Is it all of a sudden?

Shut up!

* * *

Clarke rolled onto her stomach with a groan, the sun was too bright and she felt like dying. She was grateful for her afternoon flight, not having to wake up early to get to the airport.

Wait. Why were her curtains open? She closed them all the moment she got to the hotel. She rolled back over, crashing into something warm and sat up ignoring the groan that didn't sound like hers, realizing she wasn't in her room. This couldn't be her room, she had a blue design in hers and this was green and the painting on the wall was of a forest, not an ocean. Bringing her attention to the heat under her she gaped at the sight of Bellamy shirtless under the light white sheet showed more than she bargained for. Looking away, Clarke realized she was naked too.

 _Fuck!_ She slapped her hand to her forehead wishing that she could slap herself out of this very real nightmare. Ow! She pulled her hand away and looked at the ring on her finger that definitely wasn't there the night before.

 _What the hell happened last night?_

Bellamy groaned and Clarke panicked, falling off the bed and scrambled for the closest piece of clothing she could grab which of course was his shirt.

She tightened the button down around her and Bellamy came to the edge of the bed and grimaced down at her and she saw the silver band on his finger too.

"Fuck!"

"What are you screaming about? God, this has got to be my worst hangover to date."

"What… what do you remember?"

"In general or just last night?"

Clarke rolled her eyes, "Last night dipshit."

"You called the other teachers boring and we headed down to the casino. Why?"

"We got married last night," she said lowly, showing him her finger.

His eyes darted from her hand to his and his jaw slacked. "Fuck."

"Yeah. Isn't there something about it not being legally binding if we're both plastered?"

"I don't think that's a thing."

"We have a plane to catch in five hours, we can't get an annulment on a holiday either. Fuck."

"Did we do that too?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. Looks like it."

"I didn't bring condoms, I didn't intend on hooking up this year. Fuck."

"Got you saying it too now," Clarke smirked before realizing she shouldn't. "Where's the paperwork?" She stood and looked around the room to the folder with papers strewn across out of it.

She grabbed her phone from her purse and dialed the number on the paperwork and they were closed until two, when their flight takes off. "Fuck!"

"Oops?" Bellamy offered and maybe it would have been cute if she didn't have Niylah back home to explain this to.


	20. I'm Not Jealous (PART 2)

"I'm sorry," Niylah laughed, attempting—barely—to sober up. "I thought you said you married Bellamy 'Bane Of Your Existence' Blake while you were in Vegas."

"That's exactly what I said," Clarke grimaced downing her entire glass of wine that Macallan just brought over. She needed something a lot stronger.

"Do you have his number? Are you going to do anything about it?"

"As opposed to pretending nothing happened, living blissfully ignorant? Yeah, we went to a lawyer, some asshole, John Murphy, and he said that there's nothing he could do for another six months."

"That's bullshit. You were drunk!"

Macallan came over with a bottle of whiskey and a glass this time. The boy does learn. Clarke poured herself a drink and downed it before answering Niylah.

"My drinking self is well aware of my lack of sobriety that night. I blacked out; I've never blacked out. This sucks."

"So what are the two of you going to do for the next six months?"

"My lease is up at the end of the month, and Murphy said it'd look good for the judge to see that we at least tried to make the best of a shitty situation and Bellamy's been needing a roommate. I could be his roommate, and he lives close to my school so I can sleep in a little more."

"What's a little?"

"Ten… fifteen minutes. It's better than waking up at 6."

"Ohh, 6:15," Niylah said sarcastically. "Do you have to share a bathroom with him?"

"Yeah, so what? I'll make sure there's a lock on the door and that I use it. I don't want to be with him, Niy. I'm just managing and saving five hundred on rent for six months will help pay off my college loans and put down a good deposit on a better apartment."

"And when you fall in love with him?"

"Never going to happen but you get to say I told you so if it does," Clarke grimaced, she knew the likeliness of her falling for Bellamy was slim to none. They can barely stand each other as it is, his apartment is going to be ripped to pieces by the end of the six months guaranteed. No, she's so certain about this that she'll bet the three grand she'd be saving to donate to St. Jude or whatever organization of Niylah's choosing. That might be too big though.

"I'm going to. I'm definitely going to."

* * *

Back at school, the girls' varsity volleyball team held tryouts and Clarke wished it wasn't her choice because she knew where some of the girls were coming from and where the others were coming from home wise and it wasn't fair that half the team could have nice things and the other half received Good Will hand me downs. They're going to have to raise a lot of money in the upcoming months to get them all to look uniform. It sucked, and now that she lived with Bellamy, she had no one to talk about it with because he's the coach of their rivals and she'd be throwing ammunition at them.

She chose the girls that were the best in tryouts, and she knew it meant that they were the hungriest, the ones that _needed_ scholarships to go to college, which unfortunately meant that they couldn't afford new sneakers. Add that to the list of what they need to purchase for them to look uniformly unified.

Clarke worried about the girls finding out about Bellamy too. That she's married to him, she's married to Bellamy Blake. That felt weird saying; she's married. He's the coach of the West Manhattan volleyball team, he was forced into the job two years ago, and they've been fiercer competition since. She thinks her team might beat them this year, she has a point to prove to him, and her team looks stronger, she just needs to find their motivational push.

Speaking of Bellamy, it's been two weeks since she moved in and it's been nothing but arguments. He gave her a shelf in the shower and the cabinet above the toilet. He used the space under the sink. It worked and then it didn't. She wasn't one of those people who were obsessed with their carbon footprint or vegan because it takes 53 gallons of water to produce a single egg. She's cautious and tries her best to minimize what she can and what she can't is something she truly believes in, like her paints. They're for aesthetics, as well as the fumes, being bad for the environment, but it's her favorite medium, and she's not going to change it, she did waste a whole day figuring out which brand has the smallest impact and uses that a majority of the time, sometimes the texture is weird.

The kitchen was a completely different story, where the bathroom is organized and structured to fit them both, the kitchen is a free for all and what they mostly argued over. Bellamy was a bigger health nut than Clarke, though she went to Whole Foods and he went wherever he went. They traded off on grocery duties every week, and Bellamy always complained that her fruits and vegetables tasted better than his, completely denying that organic is better when that's what she buys and he doesn't, she can tell. Yes, it's a dollar or two more, but it's healthier and tastier. That was one of their arguments. Their first argument was about her shampoo and conditioner.

Around four years ago Clarke read a blog post about this girl begrudgingly not using shampoo and conditioner on her hair for a month for the "no poo challenge" because her boss asked her too, one of her coworkers was using dry shampoo, and so she had to use baking soda and apple cider vinegar. It was informative, and the girl had a good voice and personality, so Clarke decided to go ahead and do it. Aside from using the two once a month down her drain to clear it, the only perk of trying was spending six dollars a month on her hair instead of twelve. Shampoo and conditioner are expensive, and it works, and her hair is softer and smoother, so she's continued aside from when she goes on vacation and doesn't want to deal with the hassle of transporting white powder in her luggage.

Of course where her brain went with TSA's assumption was where Bellamy went with their bathroom. She hated the look of having a box of baking soda open in her bathroom where it gets hot and sticky, clumping together from the moisture, so she put it in a mason jar to measure out before her shower. Bellamy found the jar, supposedly not snooping but she was running late that morning so she could have left it out on the counter by mistake. She came home, and Bellamy started yelling about drugs, specifically cocaine, shaking the jar of baking soda around, and Clarke tried explaining that it is in fact baking soda for her hair and he didn't believe her, and it would have been hilarious if he wasn't so obtuse. She had to drag him into the bathroom where she showed him her various oils and the apple cider vinegar and an empty spot where her jar of baking soda should be. He didn't have a response, and she took that as a good sign.

Their next argument which arguably should have happened before anything else was about the coffee maker. She drinks three cups of coffee before she heads to school and takes her favorite NYU travel mug and that shouldn't have to change just because she moved in with Bellamy and his stupid one cup Keurig. She'll go through a box of k-cups in two days, it's ridiculous and a waste of money.

He argued that only sane people need one cup of coffee a day and Clarke said that it wasn't just a _need_ , it was a want. She has an affection for coffee; she's one of those people who can drink coffee right before bed and fall asleep. Yes, it helps wake her up in the morning but after that, there's no real effect, she just loves the taste of it. Clarke argued the money and environmental aspects and that the coffee wasn't being wasted, so Bellamy gave in. Clarke prepared the coffee pot before she went to bed every night and Bellamy had the first cup before going out for his morning jog that just so happened to coincide with when Clarke wakes up every morning. She'd stumble into the kitchen as he's dropping his cup in the sink and she'll pick up hers, drinking it black and getting a disgusted glare from him and his hazelnut creamer before he runs out the door. It's a good system they have in the mornings and Clarke wondered if this would be what it's like actually being with Bellamy, or if he's distant because he didn't want to get married either and was just putting up with her for the six months and kicking her out the minute the divorce was final.

They fought about little things, and Clarke knew there was something that they were going to explode overcoming, and they were just biding their time arguing about the throw blanket on the sofa and shoes by the door and "where the hell did she move his keys to? He left them right here!" It was all bullshit, and something was brewing, not knowing what but when it came it was going to be a massacre.

Then it was a Friday night, and Bellamy came home, bringing groceries like usual, Clarke had ordered a pizza for dinner, half pepperoni for him, mushrooms and peppers for her. She unpacked the groceries and half of what she had on the list wasn't there, and she glared at him with a slice of pizza shoved in his mouth.

"Where's the rest of it?"

"That's all," he said, and somehow she understood it clearly around the wad of pizza in his mouth.

"I'm sorry, what? There's twenty items here and at least forty on the list. Where's the rest of it?"

"I'm not you, Clarke. I don't know what quinoa and akai are. If you want weird shit I can't pronounce, then you get it yourself."

"Firstly, it's acai and secondly, where do you even shop?"

He swallowed what was in his mouth. "Target."

"Tar…" she sighed. "Trader Joe's. Whole Foods. Those are grocery stores, Bellamy. Target is a glorified Walmart."

"That's like saying Catholicism is better than Christianity. It's just a derivative."

"Christianity is an expansion of Judaism. It's derivative whereas Catholicism is parochial. Don't you dare try changing the topic right now. You eat healthily, Bellamy, I know you do, but your healthy choices could also be good for you if you made the right choices and you don't do whatever you have planned tomorrow, you're canceling and we're going to Whole Foods, and you're going to learn how to shop for real, healthy food. And if you're good, we can go to the flea market before it gets too cold."

"Is this your idea of fun, Princess?"

"Taking my accidental husband who I barely like to the grocery store? No."

"So then let's add something fun to the list. Whole Foods, flea market, some good, unadulterated fun."

"Fine, you can pick that."

* * *

The next morning they were ready by nine and Clarke knew it took twenty minutes to get to the flea market and to be completely honest, she'd rather get her produce there, so she takes Bellamy there first. He complained about it, but then she said they'd take one or two bags to Whole Foods instead of five to the flea market and he quit complaining.

Bellamy was like a bull in a china shop at the flea market; she thought he might be said three words aside from "I'm sorry" the entire time. Clarke snuck inside the coffee shop while Bellamy was helping a woman who bags he'd caused to spill out all across the path. She saw Niylah, and they talked while Niylah helped Ethan make her and Bellamy's orders. Niylah caught Clarke looking out the window at Bellamy, gauging how much time she had left before he freaked out about losing her in the crowd and kind of checking him out. There was something about Bellamy Blake out of his element that made him more approachable and endearing, not that he wasn't before but it was… fuck it, it was cuter. Niylah cleared her throat, and Clarke's gaze snapped back to her.

"Is it too early for the 'I told you so'?"

"Yeah," she grimaced, taking the paper cups with sturdy sleeves and thanked Niylah, promising to grab a drink or something in the next few weeks and stepped outside as Bellamy was getting up from the ground. Taking a sip of her pumpkin spice latte—call her a basic bitch if you'd like, they're amazing!—she handed it to him when he was finished and he gave her this look of _can we please be done_ , and she nodded, handing the heavier of the two bags to him with his chai tea before leading him back to the subway to the Whole Foods by their apartment.

"This is the best chai I've ever had!" he gushed in her ear after packing himself into the crowded train car, pressing right into Clarke's back.

"That was… That's Niylah's shop."

"Niylah?"

"Kind of an ex of mine. We used to be friends with benefits, and we thought it was going to be more maybe but then I got married to a practical stranger in Vegas, and she said I should give it a chance and that she doesn't sleep with married people."

"Uh, it's a technicality though. We don't… we aren't like that."

To an untrained person, his voice would have sounded normal, but Clarke spent too much time with him preparing for Octavia's wedding years ago. They goaded each other for years at the annual educator's convention and this last month or so living with him has made Clarke a professional in too many things Bellamy Blake. She knew there was something off about how he said it. She couldn't pinpoint what it was but she knew something wasn't right. Ignoring it she responded.

"I know but she's heard me complain about you for years so she… I don't know what she was thinking, but I wanted to see her. Wanted to show her that you're a disaster of a human being and she was cordial and kind of wants to meet you."

Okay so she lied, she's better at it than him, and it wasn't like Niylah didn't want to meet him, she's been saying for years that she does and this was just something that Clarke thought would make it all less weird. Make her forget about what the odd thing with his voice was moments ago.

"She wants to meet me?"

"She wants to meet the guy I've complained about for years and my husband, yes."

"I thought we weren't telling people."

"We're not. I told her because I knew she'd hate me if I didn't tell her and she found out. I already knew she would never sleep with someone who was married, no matter the circumstances so I morally had to tell her and I had to tell her why I was moving here when we disliked each other."

"You saying it's different now?"

"I'm saying that I understand you better, so hate isn't the correct word anymore."

Bellamy didn't say anything after that; maybe he felt he didn't have to, but it was confusing as hell for Clarke. He didn't hate her, or he did, and he didn't want to say it.

They walked into Whole Foods and told Bellamy what produce to get, not diving into detail because they already bought them at the farmers market. Going from aisle to aisle pointing out the items they would need soon, picking out the ones that they still needed to get. She should have known to buy the brands that he was getting that he was shopping at Target, they were brands that had commercials. Never in her life did she buy brands that had commercials.

Clarke just put a jar of tomato sauce in the cart when she heard "Ms. Griffin?"

Her eyes bulged, only her students call her that. A student that will most likely recognize Bellamy as a West Manhattan teacher. _She's screwed_ , she grimaced before turning around with a smile, finding Madi with her foster mom.

"Hi, Madi," she smiled before looking to her foster mother. "Ms…"

"Stapleton. How exactly do you know Madi?"

"I'm her biology teacher and volleyball coach. It's very nice to meet you, I know you missed parent-teacher conference night, but maybe after a game, we could talk about Madi's progress."

"Why don't we talk about it now?"

"I'd prefer it if Madi weren't around."

"I thought she had straight As, is that wrong?"

"As far as I know, it's correct, though I can only attest to my class with her."

"Then we have nothing to discuss. She's not failing, and I haven't gotten an email about detention or was even aware that she was on the volleyball team."

"Maybe the school doesn't have your information," Bellamy offered to step in. "Madi did say she switched homes back in September after the start of the year; they might not have gotten the information."

"And who the hell are you?" Ms. Stapleton asked him with a hardened glare.

"I'm…" he started, and Clarke saw him struggling to find an answer that won't end with Clarke and him going to jail for violating FERPA, but there was no saving her from this.

"He's my husband. He's also a teacher," Clarke stated, her eyes fixed on Ms. Stapleton, gauging her response before looking at Madi who was gawking at the two of them in disbelief.

"Right. I'll look into the school having my proper information. Come on, Madi."

Ms. Stapleton turned and headed down the aisle, not even waiting for Madi to follow.

"Please don't say anything, I will explain at school," Clarke whispered lowly to Madi.

Madi nodded and ran after her guardian.

"Fuck," Bellamy sighed behind her and Clarke realized they were holding hands and dropped it immediately. "How did you know she wasn't going to bring up FERPA?"

Clarke smirked, "I've had Madi for two years now, and she's been in three foster homes. I've had many other students with foster parents, and I've learned that they know nothing about the school system or that there's a federal act protecting children from anyone knowing about their grades or behaviors outside of the school."

"Oh. And what are you going to tell Madi about us?"

"I don't know; I'll figure something out, she's a good kid."

Bellamy nodded, and when they finished grabbing everything on the list that he didn't grab the day before, they went home. Instead of going out and having some fun as they planned, Bellamy left, and Clarke called Raven for the first time since the convention.

* * *

"Ms. Griffin," Madi said after her class ended and Clarke noted that she waited for the room to be empty.

"Hi, Madi. What can I do for you?"

"My foster mom hates you and Coach Blake."

"Good thing neither of us are teachers to make the parents happy. We both became teachers because we had teachers of our own that inspired us, that made us want to inspire all of you."

"I have to ask. Were you dating? Or… how did… I know you're an adult, and you have a life outside of school and volleyball but—"

"But you're wondering how I can be friends with the coach of our rivals? Married? I used to despise him, you know. Madi, you have to promise not to tell anyone about this, okay?" Madi nodded, and Clarke was glad that she had a free period and could just write Madi a hall pass to her next class. "Do you remember that long weekend I took last month? Well, I went to an educators convention in Las Vegas. The school always sends me, and West Man always sends Coach Blake. I've known him since my second year at NYU and didn't like him back then either, but that's not a story that I can share with you."

"Anyway, we've both been going to the convention for years but—now I'm not condoning this behavior—we got drunk and made the bad decision to get married. So we're married and barely tolerating each other."

"Why didn't you get it annulled?"

"We tried, and the lawyer we talked to said it'd be six months."

"So you're going to be married to him the entire season?"

"Unfortunately."

"Is it going to affect our games?"

"No," Clarke grimaced, he's never home when she isn't there. Even on the weekends, he goes out and does whatever and comes back in the evening after she gets groceries. She wants to ask, but it's not her business.

"Okay," Madi nodded. "I won't tell the rest of the team, but you have to act like you hate them as much as we do."

"West Tigers Are Eden Serpent enemy number one. What class are you going to be late to?"

"Mr. Green's Home-Ec."

Clarke nodded, she loves the fact that Monty and Harper's relationship is a secret to the students. They're professionals who can work together without letting everyone know that they're committing to each other. They don't bicker or male moon eyes at each other while at work. They're not getting married, but they're committed and trying for a baby. They're a team, the picture-perfect image of domestication. "You're switching over to Ms. McIntyre soon?" Clarke asked writing out Madi's hall pass.

"Two more weeks. Mr. Green's been asking us to be good for her, she's going through stuff at home and doesn't need work stress on top of it."

"She's… the added stress of problematic students won't help her."

"But she's okay?"

Clarke smiled, "Yeah, she's good. Now get to class before I get in trouble for keeping you too long. Mr. Green's wrath is not pretty."

* * *

"Madi asked about you today," Clarke said while washing the dishes after dinner.

"Yeah? What'd you tell her?"

"The truth."

"You told a fifteen-year-old that we drunkenly got married in Vegas?"

"Thirteen, she skipped two grades."

"Even better. Teacher of the Year. A real role model you are for your students."

"She's heard worse. You met her guardian."

"You're one to talk. You have the mouth of a trucker."

"I'm choosing to take that as a compliment," she stated flicking her foam covered fingers at him, the suds freckling out over his nose and cheek. She looked away; she shouldn't be noticing new things about Bellamy when they're getting divorced from their accidental marriage. Falling for your soon-to-be ex-husband isn't a thing.

"Yeah, you're—you're good," he said, his voice a little breathy, causing Clarke to look up at him and his expressive caramel eyes. They've never been that color before, always a burnt umber—darker even—this caramel was nice.

Then he blinked and swallowed, focusing back on the dish he's supposed to be drying.

"So our girls are playing each other in three weeks. You think they'll be ready?" he asked, avoiding looking at her.

"My team's better than ever, Blake. Your girls better bring their A game."

That night she dreamt of intense and soft caramel eyes and a deep breathy voice whispering sweet nothings.

The next two weeks passed, and it was Thanksgiving, and before their drunken mistake, Clarke had agreed to go to her mother's house in Chicago, and Bellamy received an email from Lincoln inviting him to their yurt near Joshua Tree, so Bellamy was going to California. They're both fans of JFK and Bellamy's flight is an hour before hers, so they shared a taxi and said goodbye. It wasn't dramatic, and Clarke didn't feel like she was missing a limb as she did with Lexa years ago, that's good, she doesn't love him.

"Do you have anything sassy for me to say to Reyes?" she asked him as they put their shoes on after going through security.

"I thought you said we weren't telling anyone."

"Right. Right, I didn't. Did… did you?"

"I don't tend to brag about my drunken escapades, no."

 _Escapades, not mistakes. He doesn't think of her as a mistake, or he's being nice. He's just being nice_.

* * *

Clarke walked into the apartment, dropping her briefcase on the bench by the door. "Hey, Bellamy! I—" he held up his hand.

"Yeah, O. I got to go, I'll let you know," he hung up and glared at her. "I don't think she heard you, but I can't be sure."

"Sorry. So a bunch of my coworkers and friends are going to a bar after the game on Friday. Do you want to go? You can bring whoever you want."

"After the game?"

"I'm not letting a high school volleyball feud dictate who I can and can't be friends with, Blake. We're adults, we can smack talk in the gymnasium for show and remain friends outside of school."

"Yeah, I know, but I thought you repeatedly said that we aren't friends. You've been adamant about that."

"Oh, um, I kind of thought that since we know so much about each other by living together the last few months that we were friends. You might know more about me than Reyes and Octavia do."

"Not Niylah?"

"She's different."

Bellamy nodded, "Can I bring someone?"

Clarke's heart dropped, he's bringing a girl. Of course, he is. Her heart really needs to decide where it lies when it comes to him because she thought they had a moment before Thanksgiving and then she was okay with not spending the weekend with him. Now she hates that he's bringing another girl to the bar she invited him too. "Of course, bring someone, we don't have anyone for you to nerd out with over history so that will be your best option."

"You saying you're going to ignore me the whole night?"

"No. You saying I geek out over history with you?"

"I tell you things while we're watching documentaries and we have to pause it for discourse over it. So yes, you geek out over history with me," he smirked and maybe Clarke's heart is just as mixed up as the signals Bellamy's been sending her.

Clarke smirked, her week was shit and her students were too excited about Friday's game against West Man. Even the boys were excited for it which freaked her out slightly, they never cared about girls' volleyball, but this is a big deal because it will set up the boys' basketball game against them the next week. Clarke doesn't know, it just pissed her off and made her turn into one of those teachers that she hated by throwing them a pop quiz hours before the game, knowing half of them will fail because they didn't study for any of their classes claiming to have an excuse. Sorry, but no, there's no excuse for being insubordinate.

At the game Clarke had maintained a hard edge towards Bellamy and the West Man Tigers, Bellamy doing the same and Madi kept looking between them and Clarke had to keep refocusing her. The game was close. Too close. But her Eden Serpents won due to Bellamy girls paying more focus on someone in the crowd than the game. This was why Clarke didn't want to distract her team with her being married to Bellamy. It wasn't their business anyway.

Clarke (8:03 pm): You still coming to the bar loser?

Blake (8:05 pm): My ego isn't that bruised. Fucking Ethan had to show up and distract them all.

Clarke laughed, feeling eyes on her and she looked up from her phone and Bellamy was smirking at her from across the court. He gave her a solid, stoic nod before turning and collecting his binder and gym bag, throwing it over his shoulder as he shoved his phone in his back pocket.

Bellamy showed up at the bar fifteen minutes after Clarke did. He had to talk his girls off a ledge while Clarke's girls were planning to get pizza afterward. Behind him were two guys holding hands and Clarke wondered if his guest was late, that was until he turned his head, laughing at something the guy directly behind him said. Maybe he just wanted some back up in case she ignored him. Maybe.

He lead his friends to where she was standing with her friends; he might vaguely remember Octavia complaining about Jasper their freshman year before she met Lincoln. Of course, wherever Jasper was, there's Monty and Harper by extension. Maya finally had a Friday night off, and Niylah had Jorah opening the coffee shop in the morning. All her friends who lived in New York City were there and Bellamy's bringing more into the fold.

"Hey, Princess," he smiled.

"Hey, loser," she teased right back.

"Damn Ethan! That boy is too attractive for his own good. I told him not to come to the game, but of course, he doesn't listen to me. Anyway, this is Miller and Jackson."

"Hey," Clarke smiled at the obvious couple. They're cute.

"Hey," they both said, and the older of the two looked past her to her friends. "Hey, Maya!" he called and Clarke turned just in time to see Maya's head pop up.

"Jackson! What are you doing here?"

"Blake invited Nate and me out. I didn't know you two knew each other."

"We—we don't."

"Right," Clarke chimed. "Guys, this is Bellamy. Bellamy, this is Harper, Monty, Jasper, Maya, and Niylah."

"Hi," he said, hands in his pockets. Why is he so nervous?

"I'd ask why we have two West Man Tigers here, but the school rivalry is idiotic," Monty smiled. "What are you guys drinking?"

"We doing Guinness tonight?" Miller asked Jackson who just nodded.

"Same, Thanks," Bellamy said and Monty nodded before heading over to the bar. "Cool friends, Griffin," he stated as Jackson and Maya discussed something medical that Clarke would typically join in on while Miller listened to Niylah and Harper talk about fixing the stove at the coffee shop.

"That's not their typical introductions. I paid them fifty bucks to not overwhelm you straight out the gate, they're a lot like teenagers."

Bellamy nodded, "Not the bar companions I'd choose after a long week of teaching actual teenagers."

"It's more let loose and have fun type of juvenile behavior than partying with illegal drugs, though we do that too."

"So it's more 'getting drunkenly married to someone who barely tolerated you' type of fun?"

"Puh-tey-toh, puh-tah-toh."

"Toh-mey-toh, toh-mah-toh," he smiled softly and Clarke wished the lights were brighter so she could see his caramel eyes sparkle with amusement.

How could she know what his eyes would look like? They're not that close. She shouldn't know what his eyes would be like, she shouldn't want to see his eyes.

The conversations somehow melded together naturally and Clarke was glad everyone was getting along well while also not knowing the truth about their marriage. They have just under four months left, they can make it and walk away like it never happened.

Clarke left to grab the next round, only to come back to find Bellamy and Niylah a few tables away in an intense looking conversation.

"What's going on over there?" She asked Miller, handing him his Guinness.

"Something we should probably be doing but I pregamed so I can't tonight."

Clarke grimaced, "What did he tell you?"

"What _didn't_ he tell me?"

"Right."

Bellamy and Niylah came back a few minutes later. Bellamy came up behind her, his hand landing in her back so casually she might not have noticed if she wasn't only watching Miller and Jackson shamelessly tease each other.

"Everything okay?" She asked, leaning into his touch.

"Yeah, she makes me wish I had an ex that looked out for me like that."

"For girls, it throws her into the stereotypical jealous ex trope, no matter how good a friend they are to you your new girl will always think they're jealous."

"So you're saying we can't be friends after this is over?"

"Jilted ex-wife…" she let the words hang in the air between them, feeling his fingers at her back twitch before he dropped it from her. "I guess we'll have to wait and see."

He nodded, taking a sip of his beer before being pulled into aiding Miller with accurately telling the story of deep sea fishing with a guy named Sterling where it all went awry and Sterling nearly lost his leg. It was entertainingly grueling and by the time the story ended with Jackson asking Miller out, it was time for another round and Bellamy volunteered with Miller going to help.

It wasn't that Clarke intended on eavesdropping on their conversation, but the moment she realized they were signing, it all went out the window.

 _She's cool. I don't know why you haven't made a move_ , Miller signed and Clarke watched Bellamy roll his eyes.

 _She keeps reminding me it's fake. I don't know what to do._

 _You keep saying that you didn't know she was as drunk as she was. You weren't that sober either, but you remember and it's something she should know._

Bellamy grimaced. _Oh, yeah. "Hey Clarke, I've had this stupid crush on you since my sister's wedding nearly a decade ago. When we were both drunk in Vegas, I convinced you to marry me as a ploy to keep you close and get to know each other better, but I told you it was a way to say screw you to Uncle Sam. Drunk Bellamy is very convincing." That's not going to go over well, man._

 _I think it's fairly evident that you don't say it like that but that's also not how it happened._

 _A derivative._

What the fuck? Bellamy remembers everything and he didn't tell her! He remembers them having sex. He remembers! No. No… that can't… She's going to be sick.

"Niy," Clarke said interrupting whatever they were talking about.

"Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

They stepped away from the table and Clarke didn't know exactly what she was going to say. What should she say?

"Can I stay at your place for a few nights?"

"It's across the city from your school."

"I know. I just… I can't be around Bellamy right now. I'll tell you later. Can I go now?"

"Yeah, yeah. I won't tell him anything, but you have to tell me whatever just happened when I get home."

Clarke nodded, "I will. I'm going to grab some clothes. I can't be there right now."

"Okay, whatever you need. I'll tell him you went to the bathroom and maybe he'll be distracted for a while, so you have time. You know where I hid the key."

"Thank you."

* * *

"Where's Clarke?" Bellamy grimaced getting back to the table with all her friends and Jackson.

"Bathroom," Niylah said without looking at him.

"Okay," he nodded, handing Monty his Blue Moon and asking how the students don't know about him and Harper being together.

Time passed too quickly and before Bellamy knew it it's been an hour and Jackson was getting a round of drinks before Bellamy noticed that Clarke was missing.

"Where the hell is Clarke?" he growled and everyone at the table froze looking at him.

"She said she was going to the bathroom," Harper and Niylah said nearly together and Bellamy groaned pulling his phone out. No messages from her. A text from Octavia, which he ignored because he needed to find Clarke. He found her contact and called her; it went straight to voicemail.

"Hey, Princess, I'm worried. You left for the bathroom an hour ago. If—if you're hooking up with someone, that's—that's fine. Just please text me and let me know you're okay. That's what matters."

He goes to the back hall and looked through the line of girls for the bathroom and asked if Clarke was inside before checking the men's room finding a couple groping each other. Great.

Blake (11:49 pm): I just checked the bathroom and you're not there. Just let me know you're safe.

Bellamy left ten minutes later with no word from Clarke. He slipped Niylah his number asking her to let him know if she sees Clarke. She's the only one besides Miller that knew the truth of their relationship.

Bellamy raced back to his apartment and searched for Clarke, maybe she went home, not feeling well and didn't tell anyone. He opened her bedroom door and her closet and dresser were torn through like a tornado opened up in just her room, somehow expelling all of her wardrobe somewhere, not even her bed or the floor. It was nowhere to be found.

"What the fuck?" he exclaimed, yanking his phone out of his pocket calling her again.

"Hi, Princess," he said calmly, there could be a simple explanation… right? "So I just got to our apartment and your bedroom is empty. All your clothes, your chargers. Everything. Call me because I'm confused and worried. Whatever happened, you can talk to me about it. Please don't shut me out."

He sighed, sitting on her bed. She's gone, she wants nothing to do with him and he can't accept that. He doesn't know how after the last few months living with her, having her around all the time instead of once a year, twice the last two with coaching volleyball but it's not the same. He already missed how she'd curl into him during the commercials of One Strange Rock reruns when a chill suddenly came over the living room according to her. He'd grab the blanket and cover them with it and she'd sigh, completely content with just existing with him. With Gina, they were always out, and with Echo, it was about being seen, with Clarke… with Clarke, it was just being Bellamy and Clarke.

He thought he'd have months to fix them, get them closer, get her to stay in his life in some way. Not as the jilted ex-wife but nothing less than a friend.

* * *

"Dude, Seriously, what is going on?" Miller asked on Christmas Ev, two weeks since she moved out. Two weeks of Bellamy going through the motions of life, teaching his students as though nothing was wrong, going home to an empty apartment barely able to order from UberEats. "Bellamy!"

"What?" he snapped. Where is he?

"What's going on with you?"

"Where is she?" His voice felt weird, like sandpaper rubbing together. School ended three days ago and he hadn't gotten out of bed, didn't drink, couldn't eat. Doesn't recognize where he even is.

"I—I talked to Monty, Clarke's at Niylah's. She's hollow like you. Niylah won't tell anyone what happened."

"Do you think she knows? God, of course, she knows! Of course, she goes running to Niylah! She's in love with her! She could never love me, especially not now. I fucked up both our lives. I tore her and Niylah apart, even after knowing about Finn. What is _wrong_ with me?" He slammed his head back against the headboard.

Her room. He's in her room, stumbled late at night after a nightmare of losing her before remembering it wasn't just a nightmare but his reality. She left her pillows and sheets and he just wanted to smell her, however, creepy that may be.

"You're acting jealous."

"I'm not jealous!"

"Fine. Look, there's nothing wrong with you. God, this is an Octavia conversation, but she doesn't even know. This is fucked up. I will do this once and never again. Yes, you were wrong in tricking her into marrying you because you like her and she didn't give you the time of day. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought you two were together. You couldn't keep your hands off her, and she was making moon eyes at you."

"She what?"

"She liked you back. Maybe she found out what you did or maybe she's afraid of how she feels. Monty and Jasper both picked up on it and straight guys never pick up on that kind of stuff."

"Then why won't she call me back? Or text me? If she knows and wants nothing to do with me, that's one thing but to be avoiding me when she likes me? That's a whole other beast to tame."

"So you call and text her one last time and you tell her you're giving her space, but you two have to talk before April."

"April?"

"Girls are weird, man. You smother them and they run away, you set them free and they come running back. You'll hear from her before school's back in."

"That's a week," Bellamy complained.

"Tough. You did this and now you have to suffer through the consequences."

Bellamy groaned, turning into the pillow and getting a huge sniff of Clarke's body oils. God, he's so gone for this girl. "I'll do it, but I won't be happy about it."

"Yeah, you're not going to be happy about going to buy a tree, but we're doing it. Come on, get up and shower."

* * *

"Hey, Clarke," he sighed into the phone. "I've never done the whole space thing before, I've never had to, and that's something I should probably mull over. That's not the point. The point is that I'm not going to call you again. I do think that we should talk before we go in for the divorce, but I'm going to let you decide when you're ready for that.

"I probably shouldn't say this because we've only gotten to know each other over the last two months but I… I feel as though I'm in love with you. I know that's probably not what you want to be hearing, so I'm sorry about telling you like this. A voicemail. If you hear from me again, it's probably a text wishing you a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year. Maybe both. I'm going to try. Goodbye, Princess."

Bellamy hung up the phone and stared at the lone Christmas present under the tiny tree that Miller made him buy, a ploy to get him out of the house. He strung a small string of fairy lights around it and topped it with a star sugar cookie Charlotte gave him with a bunch of others in a tin that remained untouched.

He did text her later that night, his veins half whiskey.

Blake (9:37 pm): Merry Christmas beautiful. I hope this next year is everything you want and more. Happy anticipatory New Year.

His vocabulary widens with the addition of alcohol.

On Christmas, Jackson let it slip that they were invited to Monty and Jasper's for dinner and Bellamy didn't know what to say. He didn't want to stop them from having other friends, but he was also jealous because he wasn't. He knew why he wasn't, but it still hurt that she would be there knowing that he was alone in their apartment half wishing she'd show up, not even talk, just sit on the couch with him and watch Fixer Upper in silence.

Around two-thirty he was sick and tired of Miller and Jackson anyway, kicking them out. He told them to go and Miller gave a pointed glance to the present under the tree but didn't say anything. Bellamy half wondered if Miller wanted him to ask, but he knew that deep down, whether he said it or not, Miller would yell and tell him to give it to her himself.

The next week flew by, and suddenly it was New Year's Eve, and he was invited to Gina's party, the one ex-girlfriend he managed to stay friends with. He knew it was her way of checking in because he at least had one new Instagram post a month and he hasn't done one since he married Clarke.

God, they're married! What the hell would he even say to Gina about that? How would that conversation go? Nowhere good with Clarke at another party across the city instead of at his side.

He declined Gina's offer and she sent the crooked smile emoji saying she's glad he's alive and to swing by the museum soon to catch up.

That was the thing about depression, the ebb and flow of time intermittently felt like it was flying by while also remaining agonizingly slow and yet it still was an illusion when it was ten in the morning when he told Gina he wouldn't make it and the next it was eight o'clock at night and his phone chimed.

He couldn't find the contraption for a good twenty minutes and when he finally did, he dropped it face down on the concrete floor of the apartment from the sender of the text. Clarke.

Clarke (10:28 pm): 312 W 114th St Apt 34-1 11:45 on fire escape


	21. Do You Want Me to Leave (PART 3)

Bellamy was a worrier by default, it made being a teacher that much more difficult. He didn't know what to do with the text, he had to show up though. Hell, he wanted to go to now, but she set the time for a reason and he shouldn't push his luck. He's lucky she wanted to see him at all right now.

He should also shower and shave. Probably burn the sweats he's worn all week too, but that can wait.

A half hour later his hair was damp, dripping onto his shirt. He had forty five minutes to get across Manhattan and he'd be able to make it on a normal day but New Year's Eve is anything but ordinary. An Uber would take a half hour to get to him and traffic was always horrible, he might be lucky with the subway if no one did anything stupid to cause delays, it was his best option.

He got back onto the street at eleven forty-three, there was no way he'd get to the apartment building let alone the apartment in two minutes. He still tried, running in the freezing New York streets on New Years Eve should never be on a bucket list, no matter how good the party. He pushed the door of the apartment open, finding more people than he expected. Forcing his way through the crowd, he heard his name called multiple times but he kept forging through, looking for the fire escape.

"I've missed you!" he heard Jasper slur before feeling his arms wrap around his torso. "What are you doing here?"  
Bellamy grabbed the solo cup from him.

"Clarke invited me. Have you seen her?"

"Fire escape. She doesn't party."

"I know. I need to go find her. I'll catch you later. Drink some water."  
Bellamy left and climbed out the first open window he saw and found Clarke wrapped in an oversized blanket. He wished he could take a picture of her like this, the crease in her brow, thinking a little too hard for the party atmosphere around her, cocooned in a blanket of warmth with snow all around, looking over the city, the lights almost as bright as the sun itself. "Hey," he sighed, realizing he was holding his breath at the sight of her.

"You're late," she said, eyes still focused out over the city. Maybe she's trying to stay distant for the sake of her heart, maybe she thought she was going to hurt him if she sees him. Maybe she drank too much to prepare for this, but she's not calculating when she's drunk so maybe she's sober and maybe she's ready for his fucked up truth.

"Jasper intercepted me and I confiscated his drink."

"Tell me everything," she said, finally looking at him, her made up face was cold and distant, a tinge of heartbreak in her eyes.

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Octavia's wedding."

Wow, the very beginning. Okay. "Octavia was never good at making friends with other girls. She's a tomboy but she was lucky enough to have you as a roommate and by extension a best friend. I walked into the wedding knowing a lot about you and I thought you were amazing and I had this feeling that you were going to be in my life for a very long time even though I never got the full picture of who you are. I knew nothing could happen between us because I didn't want to get between you and O, that's another story," he said before taking a seat next to her as Niylah called the ten minute warning to midnight. Bellamy refused to let his mind wander to why Clarke chose this time to know everything. "So when O introduced us, I—you weren't just gorgeous and crazy intelligent, you were charismatic and funny and sarcastic and you knew how to handle Lincoln's snobby family members who looked down at O and I. I envied that and I avoided you because if I talked to you, I would have hit on you. Those girls that you've judged me about, they both wanted wedding sex and the second one was referred by the first. I'm not bragging, it's disgusting but I needed a distraction.

"I finished school and started working at the museum and met Gina, she reminded me of the charismatic part of you. I slowly fell out of love with the museum, only staying for the fieldtrips, teaching the kids. I went back to school and became a teacher. I was a student teacher at West Man for the history teacher that was retiring and he agreed to stay on until I could take over. Gina and I broke up somewhere in there because she got a promotion at the museum that I hated and I barely had time between class and teaching. You were still in the back of my head, you were still in half of Octavia's Facebook posts.

"You were foreign and yet I felt like I knew you. When I heard about the convention from my school's principal, I remembered you saying something about it in the background of a grainy FaceTime with O. I practically jumped at the opportunity to meet you without my sister. You remember how that went so I was disheartened and met Echo. I didn't know that she made rush week so difficult for you and O, I knew nothing about how she treated anyone for two years and I still probably wouldn't know if I didn't overhear her and Octavia arguing about it when she came to visit. Echo was the closest I'd gotten to proposing, I was going to until Denver. You and Reyes were curled together in the corner of the seventh floor corridor. Lexa had broken up with you and for those two days I tried cheering you up. I failed and came home, an engagement ring burning a hole in my pocket until I overheard them and all I thought about was you.

"First Finn, then Lexa, and then I find out that my girlfriend harassed you in college. That she drugged O and left you on the side of the road countless times to find your own way home. You could have died, you could have been raped and suddenly I didn't know who my girlfriend was. This person that I wanted to spend my life with was a complete stranger."

"That was four years ago," she grimaced, looking to the ground below them.

"Yeah, and that next October came around and I kept my distance. I only interacted with you when it would have been rude to not have. Do you know how much restraint that took? Every ounce of will power I had. Then volleyball happened and I really got to see you in action with your students who you always adored. The amount of trust and respect they had for you… it blew me away. Your students truly love you."

"I didn't know that I disgusted you until that last night in Vegas. Finding it out made me drink more so I was drunk like you. We were talking about O's wedding, how she just knew that Lincoln was her soulmate. I told you that I think we are. Drunk Bellamy is a hopeless romantic that is very convincing. I once bought a car completely drunk with _just_ volume two of Cards Against Humanity, to this day I cannot explain that. Anyway, you told me that we could never work, we're too different and yet similar, that our jagged edges don't quite fit together. I told you to put your money where your mouth is and ten minutes later, after an immensely passionate conditional agreement of what we could and couldn't do, we were at a little chapel off the Strip getting married by a small-breasted Dolly Parton."

"We didn't even get an Elvis to officiate? We definitely missed out on that catastrophe."

"It was Dolly or Santa. Not even a Jack Skellington Santa."

Clarke laughed and it gave Bellamy hope. "It was great, I'm glad we watched it. Anyway, when we kissed… let's just say it was something and we were kicked out. Clarke, that night was the best sex of my life. These past months getting to know _you_ , not through Octavia, not at a work convention or volleyball game, but you at home watching _Fixer Upper, Good Bones,_ and _Grey's Anatomy_ , letting me geek out watching documentaries. Hell, geeking out with me. You're allergic to apples and yet you devour apple pie like it's your job.

"Yes, I fucked up in drunkenly coercing you to marry me as a way to get to know you but I'm not going to apologize for it because I don't regret it. I don't regret a single moment getting to know you, you're truly amazing. What I am sorry for is getting between you and Niylah though, she's a great person who really cares about you, not someone who took advantage of you."

"That's my choice to make. Thank you for telling me the truth. You might want to check the room before using ASL to discreetly talk to Miller next time," she smirked and Bellamy was completely shocked by the information.

"Fuck, that—you know sign language? I told you that night?"

"Yeah," she sighed and he couldn't decipher the expression on her face. Then he heard it, the countdown to midnight, to the New Year. 2019.

Clarke stood and grabbed the solo cup from his grasp and poured the contents down her throat before looking back in Bellamy's eyes. Her pupils were so dark.

 _Three…_

 _Two…_

 _One…_

"Happy New Year, loser," she smirked, possibly, maybe nervous.

"Happy New Year, Princess," he countered, his eyes darting to her lips as her tongue swiped across them.

"It's tradition," he barely heard her murmur before her lips crushed against his. His brain short-circuited and he felt like he was thirteen again, kissing Roma without a clue of what to do. He slammed back into reality, cupping Clarke's cheek, not pushing too far but still showing her how he feels.

She pulled away too soon and he caught her biting her lip, suppressing a smile. "I still have to think about it all. You should have told me sooner."

Bellamy nodded, "I know. That part I'm sorry about too."

"Niylah and I never would have worked. She's too passive aggressive for my taste."

"Duly noted. So… what now?"

"Now, we party with our friends for an hour or two before heading home."

"Home?" He tried not getting his hopes up, but she's Clarke and his hopes are always going to be high for her. For them.

"Yeah, I love Niylah, she's an amazing person. A great friend, but this place doesn't feel right. It's not comfortably home."

He had the urge to kiss her again but refrained, this isn't about him or what he wants. This is about Clarke and she needs time to think and he needs to respect that. "Let's head in, it's freezing out here."

* * *

Bellamy groaned, it was too bright and he nuzzled into the familiar smell of mandarin vanilla, his grip tightening around her before realizing that this was definitely not time or space to let her think about what she wants.

Disentangling himself from her was a challenge that ended with him on the floor with a smirking Clarke looking down at him. "Oh my, how the tables have turned."

"This is not giving you time or space, I—"

"I asked you to stay," she interrupted and Bellamy's shoulders visibly relaxed.

They're both fully clothed, a good indicator.

"Okay," he stood. "Do you want breakfast?"

"Maple pecan pancakes?"

"Always the difficult one," Bellamy winked. "I'm starting with coffee," he called over his shoulder as he walked out of her bedroom.

After breakfast they headed over to Niylah's. Bellamy helped clean up from the party while Clarke packed her clothes. He didn't remember a time last night where Clarke wasn't at his side to tell Niylah she's moving back in with him but it had to have happened because Niylah didn't question it.

Back at the apartment, Clarke threw her laundry into the washer before unpacking the rest as Bellamy made chicken Caesar salads for lunch. He just placed the bowls on the table when the front door swung open and his eyes widened at the sight of Octavia in his apartment.

"Hey, Bell, do we—Octavia?" Clarke said, probably at the end of the counter.

"Oh, please, continue that statement," O smirked and Bellamy felt like the kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He couldn't even appreciate the little "Bell" that came out of Clarke's mouth with such ease.

"Shout," Clarke managed after a moment. "Is there any Shout around? I have this stain that looks like tomato sauce but I haven't had any at Niylah's." She's nervous, it's cute.

"Yeah, I have some hidden behind the towels on the shelf."

"Hidden?"

"You use the stuff like it's water so I have to hide it."

"You're so dramatic," Clarke rolled her eyes and Bellamy smirked. It's as  
though the last three weeks didn't happen.

"You're so messy! Lunch is ready by the way. O are you staying for lunch? Wait! Why are you here?"

"My questions are much more pressing. Lincoln's parking the car so it's two of us."

Bellamy nodded, "Clarke, we're going out for lunch."

"I need pants!" she called running back down the hall to get pants or finish her laundry.

"Since when did you two talk let alone do laundry in each other's apartments?" "We're not talking about anything until lunch, okay?" he glared at his sister as he put his and Clarke's lunch in a Tupperware. They'll have it for dinner.

"So there's something to talk about," she smiled knowingly. "She called you Bell."

"I know. What does it say about you that you can't wait a half hour to find out what's going on?"

"It means you taught me persistence instead of patience."

Bellamy rolled his eyes, they stopped on Clarke standing in the archway and Bellamy couldn't help gaping at her. Her black jeans hugged every curve and  
her dusky pink sweater didn't leave anything for his imagination being able to  
see her bra through it, he was practically salivating.

Octavia elbowed him in the ribs. "You—you look… good," he practically choked and the corner of Clarke's mouth quirked up.

"Thanks. Are we going?"

"Yes! I'm just going to change my shirt. O, you should tell Lincoln."

"Nah, I'm going to harass my Clarkey. It's been too long!" she exclaimed, practically jumping Clarke.

Bellamy laughed before going to his room and changed into his blue Henley. He had to practically push his two favorite women out of the apartment. He was hungover and starving, don't even try denying him sustenance. He will rip your arm off and eat it.

* * *

They sat in a booth at the diner on Second Avenue and Octavia watched Bellamy and Clarke with an expectant gaze instead of her menu. Bellamy closed his menu pointedly, glaring at Octavia after choosing the Cuban sandwich and deciding not to wait for Octavia to take over the conversation with her onslaught of questions, Bellamy asked his question. "What are you guys doing in New York?"

Octavia lifted her menu to hide her face more, she's hiding something. "I was commissioned to do a piece at MoMA. I'm here for the next six months, it's this 'Artists at Work' thing they've been doing intermittently over the years. It was a last minute thing, the guy they prepared for was in a car accident before Christmas and I was probably their last resort. I still have no idea what I'm going to do but I have ten more days to figure it out."

"You're both going to be here for six months?"

"Yes. Octavia can't work for at least a year so—"

"Lincoln!" she exclaimed, hitting his shoulder.

"Octavia," Bellamy interrupted. "Just tell me. It can't be worse than where my brain is taking it."

Octavia and Lincoln exchanged a glance and Clarke took his hand under the table where O's prying eyes couldn't speculate.

"I'm pregnant. Four months," she smiled proudly and Bellamy's hand didn't crush Clarke's. In fact, he's been itching to become an uncle for far too long. She miscarried twice around the two month mark so he understood waiting to tell people but this is amazing and he told them as much with Clarke squealing with excitement as she jumped up to hug her sister-in-law. Holy shit, he didn't even think about that until just now. Octavia's going to be so pissed.

Clarke saw the look in his eyes and nodded. "Hey, Bellamy and I need a minute, we'll be back in a minute. It's such amazing news!" she smiled sincerely before dragging Bellamy out of the booth and restaurant. "What's freaking you out? You've begged Octavia for a niece or nephew since their wedding. It was in your speech at the reception."

"You and O are in-laws."

"You and Linc are in-laws. Facts. Why are you freaking out about this now?"

"It's been nearly three months and she doesn't know. She's going to kill me."

"Us. It's not like I called her either."

"The situation was different for you."

"Drunk or not, I married my friend's brother and didn't tell her. We're both in trouble. We're in this together."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I still need to think about what you said last night but the last few months haven't been bad. Everything will be considered and I will let you know, but she's going to be here for the next six months so we have to tell her. Let's just walk in there and say it."

Bellamy nodded, she's right, she's so right. They should just rip off the Band-Aid and call it a day. "Fine, but before we go back in, answer something for me. Full honesty."

"Sure."

"You wore that just to torture me, didn't you?"

"Maybe. Did you wear that shirt because it's my favorite?"

"I didn't know you had a favorite shirt of mine."

"Yeah, it makes your shoulders look really good."

"My shoulders?"

"Yeah, you have nice, broad shoulders. Shut up, let's go back in and deal with this train wreck."

"We're not a train wreck, we're awesome!" he countered with a smile, following her back inside where five seconds into telling Octavia what's going on, she yelled and asked a million questions but all in all applauded Clarke for putting up with Bellamy's idiocy.

* * *

The next month flew by and Bellamy walked into his school on the first Monday in February, stopping short at the red and pink hearts decorated throughout the hall. "What the hell?" he grimaced and Miller walked in behind him.

"Valentine's Day is in ten days. Are you going to teach the poor souls the truth about St. Valentine and how this moronic holiday is just Hallmark's way of making money throughout the year?"

Bellamy smirked, at least he taught someone something with that knowledge. "Are you saying you didn't already make reservations for you and Jackson?"

"Hmm, he's actually working the night shift, but I may have some things delivered throughout the night."

Bellamy smirked, of course Miller did, he's a romantic under all that sarcasm. "Who knew Nathan Miller had a soft side?" he quipped and Miller punched him  
before heading down the hall to his own classroom.

"I love you too, man!" Bellamy called, getting a curious look from the few wayward students that enjoy getting to school thirty minutes early. Nerds.

When he got home that night, Clarke was sitting at the table grading some tests or labs, he honestly couldn't tell you. He hasn't gone near the science  
wing of his school or did anything science related since his third semester at Columbia nearly a decade ago. He still didn't know why she became a science  
teacher when she clearly prefers art and is far better at it from what he stumbled upon in the back of her closet when he was looking for a dress she asked him to find, the last minute chaperone of her school's winter formal.

"Hey, you want Chinese tonight?" he asked, taking his jacket off, hanging it over the back of a chair.

"Sounds good," she said absentmindedly and Bellamy smirked. He kind of loved when she was this into her work, she really cared about her students and  
though he wished his volleyball team made it to regionals, he's happy for Clarke's team. They worked their asses off to get there and deserved it.

It was also then when he realized that she made her decision. Albeit they didn't talk about it and he didn't bring it up, he just knows that she's staying. Though looking back there were little moments where he could begin guessing that it was what she was leaning towards, but it's now when she's grading the tests from Friday that she ditched to buy maternity clothes with Octavia over the weekend and a sketch of him on a napkin that he knew she wanted to try  
this, that she was feeling part of what he was and maybe it's just an infatuation, maybe it'll take its course and fizzle our but maybe—hopefully—they stay married and happy.

"Hey, Clarke," he said and she stopped putting an "X" on a student's test to look up at him. "What are you doing next Thursday?"

"Next Thursday? Um, Friday's the Sadie Hawkins dance so… I'm free. You want to do something?"

"I want to take you to dinner."

"We go out all the time."

"Yeah, we do with Octavia and Lincoln or Miller and Eric. I was thinking it could be just the two of us this time. A real date."

"Oh," she said flatly and Bellamy was about to take it back, say he was being stupid or something but she said, "I'd love that."

"Okay, cool," he smiled and Clarke laughed at him before turning back to her work.

"Is there a reason you picked Valentine's Day?" She asked without even looking up.

"Uh, that's Thursday?"

"Bellamy…"

"Okay, Miller might have mentioned it."

Clarke smirked and stood up. "You're something else, Bellamy Blake," she said and it sounded as though she might be in awe of him.

"Yeah?" he smirked, pulling the menu for Chinese out of the drawer.

"Mm," she moaned softly, closer than he realized as her hand came up to his chin and turning him to look over at her. "How badly do you want to kiss me?"

"Right now or in general?"

She smiled, "Both."

"Scale of one to ten; in general, around a nine. Right now… I think the scale is broken."

"Bellamy Blake, the breaker of scales, records, and hearts."

"I haven't—" he didn't finish due to Clarke's lips pressing against his and he smiled into it before holding her to him by the waist and kissing her thoroughly, lifting her onto the counter for a better angle.

Clarke's fingers were under his shirt, trailing over his skin and leaving goosebumps in their wake. He pulled away when he realized she was trying to get his shirt off.

"Fuck," he groaned, breathing against her neck. "Fuck, babe, I want to fuck you. You have no idea, but I messed up with you so much already that I don't want to mess this up too."

"You're very cute when you're noble but a complete pain in the ass right now. I will get on my knees and beg for it, do you want that?"

Bellamy groaned, the image in his head was definitely something he could work with, but he pulled away. Loving Clarke was more to him than just physical and he wanted her to know that he loves her mind and soul as much or more than her body.

"Yes, but Gods, don't." He grabbed her arm, pulling her back up when she began dropping to her knees. "Babe…" he scolded softly, shaking his head.

"I haven't exactly been subtle with what I want this past month."

"I was in denial."

"The best river in Egypt," she smirked, leaning up and pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "You know what I like," her eyes darted down to the Chinese menu. "If you quit distracting me, I can get these tests graded before dinner."

"Okay," Bellamy smiled and let her take a few steps back to the dining room table before pulling her back into a searing kiss.

"Bellamy," she moaned as his lips traveled down her jaw to her throat.

"You taste so good, I can't help myself," he said sucking on the skin behind her ear.

"Yeah, well, I need to get these tests graded and then we can do anything you want."

"Mm," he hummed pulling back to look at her beautiful smile.

"You're absolutely gorgeous. Why don't you smile more?"

"Because I had this annoying womanizer hitting on me constantly. I finally realized that he's more than that and I'm falling for him."

"How cliché."

Clarke slapped his chest, effectively pushing him away.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Order the Chinese and go grab a bottle of Chardonnay. I should be done by the time you get back."

"I thought we had Chardonnay."

"Bellamy…"

"Okay, okay, I'm going." He pressed a chaste kiss to her lips and went back for one on her forehead before leaving the apartment.

"She's falling for me," he smiled on the street as he called the Chinese restaurant.


	22. I'm Yours (PART 4)

**4 Months Later:**

"So are my babies going to have an auntie?" Octavia asked when she stormed into the apartment with a slight waddle. The surprise of twins was something that had Bellamy literally faint after the news, Clarke just laughed at him before helping him get back up when he came to.

"Shouldn't you have asked this a month ago?"

"Yeah, I just didn't want to be too nosy."

"Yes, I am still married to your brother. We're dating and if we break up we have divorce papers waiting to be signed and if we want to tell the world of our love, we're going to have a commitment ceremony because we're already married."

"And those three weeks of December when you were married but lived with Niylah, did you…"

"No, I didn't cheat. I didn't even want to."

"Want to?"

"Yeah, you know me. I'm not a cheater."

Bellamy walked in the room and grimaced at them. "What are you two talking about?"

"We we're discussing how you two weren't idiots and didn't get a divorce because odd are you two will be getting married anyway so a commitment ceremony is the best idea for the two of you."

"I mean it's not anytime soon and you'll be busy with the babies. You're not going to fly out here for it, that doesn't make sense."

"Hey, Bell," Clarke said with a small endearing smile, adjusting the cardboard centerpiece on their dining table with a rattle and a baby bottle on it. "We're married."

His expressions visibly softened, golden flecks appearing in his eyes before he repeated slightly in awe, "We're married."

"All right," Octavia smiled. "Bell, you have a Raven to go catch and Lincoln is supposed to be here in a half hour and everyone else is supposed to be here at 2:30. I think we're ready, Clarkey, don't you?"

"I think three more streamers and we're good. Don't say a word, Bell, we'll be fine without you for a half hour until Lincoln gets here with ice. Go get Raven."

Bellamy rolled his eyes, Clarke and Octavia knew him too well and preemptively knew his worries, it's annoying and made him feel predictable, but he'd rather be predictable with his worries than be surprised by them. Clarke thought it was endearing and Octavia thought it was annoying but he didn't care. He loved them too much not to worry.

"Fine," he grimaced, pressing a kiss to Octavia's temple as she shied away with a hiss before pulling Clarke against him. "I love you," he declared, he's been doing that lately and though Clarke loved him too, she wasn't quite ready to say it, she has time. They have time.

"You're a dork."

"You know I'm just taking that as an 'I love you too, Bell.'"

"Yeah, yeah," she smiled before pecking a kiss on his lips.

"Octavia turn away," he said before pulling Clarke into a scalding kiss that she swore could get anyone pregnant, he's so loving.

"You guys are gross!" his sister exclaimed and Clarke laughed against Bellamy's lips.

She pulled him closer to whisper in his ear. "I want to fuck you."

He groaned and pulled her lips back to his, licking into her mouth greedily.

"Guys, seriously, you can't wait five hours?" Octavia complained and Clarke pulled away causing Bellamy to pout.

"Sorry," she said to Octavia, her eyes locked on Bellamy's lust filled ones that were so dark she thought that maybe… maybe he was the devil and she his personal angel. One of those poetic stories he loved telling her late at night postcoital as she connected the constellation of freckles across his shoulder blades.

Yin and yang until the bubble popped and reality set back in and she remembered they weren't angels and devils or good and bad. Just free will and choices that determined who a person is in comparison to who they were, and who better fit them at that moment in time and it frightened her. If she made the wrong choice, or if he did, they could lose each other forever and she loved him too much to lose him to something so trivial. And yet those three small words, those eight simple letters, wouldn't slide over her tongue, slip through her lips to let him know. Stuck in her throat for another day, which turned into weeks and months until something so trivial and yet completely life altering happened and the words he's been dying to hear. The words she's been trying to say were finally uttered and he looked up at her in the middle of a volleyball game, across the court from each other and made everyone stop the game as the ball bounced on the floor on his team's side, giving her girls the point as Bellamy stared at her through the net with confusion and bewilderment written on his face and complete joy on hers.

"What?" he asked after she called for a time out, having Madi take the girls into a huddle as she crossed the court.

"I love you and I know this is the wrong time and I know you're leaving to help Tav and Lincoln take Aemon and Kennedy back to California. I just—"

Bellamy kissed her soundly, effectively shutting her up. "I love you, Princess. I don't know what happened to have you say it right now in the middle of the game, but I love you."

"Good, good. I'm also pregnant."

Bellamy's eyes bulged and Clarke kissed him as he stood there like a statue. "I don't have to go."

"Yes, you do. I'm nine weeks, nothing is going to happen while you're gone for a week with your nephews."

"Coach," the referee called and Clarke looked over at him before kissing Bellamy again.

"We'll talk later," she said heading back over to her side and the girls were all ready to continue playing.

Later as it turned out involved taking Aemon for the weekend. He's the more fussy one and driving Octavia absolutely mad. They have people in Joshua Tree, they won't be alone there with there children and Clarke saw how much it beat bellamy up that he's not going to see his nephews as much as he has the last five months.

Clarke didn't know how it took her six months to say the words to Bellamy or why it took being pregnant to finally do it, but there was something about having a family, about having people there for her and the child growing inside her that changed everything. It wasn't just Clarke Griffin against the world, it was Clarke and Bellamy Griffin-Blake between their child and the world's harsh reality. They're a team and it felt as though it was always meant to be, that it always has been.

"I love you," Bellamy smiled when they got home from their thirty week sonogram. They still don't know the gender, requesting a picture every time and had them all in their envelopes with the weeks. The gender in its own envelope attached to the fridge.

They made a bet to see who would cave first before the birth, they were more focused on that than picking a name and it was coming down to the wire. Ten weeks left.

Clarke looked at Bellamy and though they're in this little bubble of happiness, Clarke couldn't help but wonder if he wished they did this all differently, if he blamed himself for their lives happening out of order. Marriage, dating, baby, love. Clarke sometimes wished the marriage didn't happen but then she felt guilty because she probably wouldn't have given him a chance.

"What do you think of Jordan?"

"I think Monty promised Jasper he'd name his firstborn that when they were nine."

"Hmm. Poor Harper, no choice in the matter."

"Eh, she loves Jasper too."

"True. I forgot his last name was Jordan. It's a cute name."

"What about a gender-neutral name?"

"What about Julia for a girl and Julian for a boy. It's close to Julius but modernized."

Bellamy smiled. "Julian Jacob or Julia Aurora?"

"Sure," Clarke smiled, she knew it was a boy, she caved a week in but Bellamy didn't know that. She's good at hiding it, he's going to be so happy. "What are you hoping for?" She prodded, they've discussed what they wanted in the past but they didn't really care either way but he's an older brother, she thinks he has a preference with his experience.

"I want both, I told you that. I just think that a boy would be better first. He can protect his little sister but in a way that doesn't take over his whole life. He can still be a normal kid and a big brother."

"You've thought a lot about this. Do you want to look?"

"No, I'm good with a surprise," he smiled, pressing a kiss to her lips.

"Same. Though we're definitely not doing this for our second kid."

"Second kid?"

"Oh, yes, Bellamy Blake, I want a whole baseball team."

"I'd agree with a volleyball team, that's only nine," he smirked and Clarke laughed.

"Yeah, maybe three."

"You love being pregnant, don't you?"

"Not as much as you like seeing me pregnant."

"Yeah, well, I put him there. This," he wrapped his arms around her, his large hands splayed out over her stomach. "Is because of me."

"I prefer thinking it was a duel effort, that we both brought something to the table."

"Yeah, but I did more work," Bellamy teased, pressing a kiss to Clarke's neck.

"Your little swimmers did a majority of the work, getting them to show up to the party was a mutual effort."

"Party in your pants joke, funny," he chuckled, his hands traveling south.

"Bell…"

"What? The doctor said it's safe to have sex, just not in the last month and not in any positions that would hurt him."

"You keep saying 'him'," she commented.

"Yeah, well, hopefully," he shrugged. "So… sex?"

"You have to go get Lincoln, he's decorating the nursery so it will be a surprise for us."

"Oh, right. Damn, you're looking extra gorgeous today."

Clarke rolled her eyes and turned in his arms. "You're something else, Bellamy Blake."

"Yeah, I'm yours, Clarke Griffin."

"And I'm yours, Bellamy Blake."


	23. Excuse You (PART 1)

Clarke was never one for carnivals. She'd always gotten sick from the food or the rides or she broke her collarbone. So she avoided them. That was until Finn Collins with his smooth talking and, what she now knows as arrogance, invited her to the town's annual beginning of summer carnival celebration that never had an official name, which it probably should but it's Arkadia, they don't do anything the way they should.

He told her to wait by the picnic tables and he'd find her and maybe it was her naivety but it took her an hour to figure out that he was bouncing back and forth between her and the girlfriend he had broken up with very publicly the week prior.

Buying herself a bag of kettle corn, Clarke leaned against the fence that separated a baseball field from the soccer field the carnival was held on. What Finn probably didn't know because he was so entranced by Raven, was that from where he left her, Clarke watched every little thing he did with Raven. Pushing her hair, which was down from her ever-present ponytail for once, off her shoulder, letting his hand trace her jaw with that small innocent flirty smile he'd perfected and used on her. The only thing keeping her at the carnival still was telling him off. She didn't want to ruin what he had again with Raven, that's not Clarke and they hadn't done anything luckily, not that she thought what he was doing was right at all.

Her eyes glued on Collins, she didn't notice someone coming up next to her until they took some of her kettle corn.

"Excuse you!" she said before realizing at the turn of her head that it was Bellamy Blake leaning against the fence, chewing on her kettle corn with that God-awful smirk on his face.

"Peasants have to steal to eat, _Princess_ ," he sneered. "We don't all have silver spoons up our asses."

"It's mouths and I don't," she grimaced, turning back to Raven and Finn, she was laughing and touching his arm. Great.

"Who's the one with kettle corn?" Bellamy pressed and she realized that she wasn't getting rid of him anytime soon.

"Seriously? It's like three dollars."

"I gave my money to my sister to get her out of my hair for an hour, it probably won't last that long with her, but I tried."

"You never come to these things, why now?" She looked over at him when she saw Finn leaning into Raven, not something she wanted to see…

"Roma," he grimaced, eyes darting to the ground before looking past her and Clarke turned her head to see where he was looking to find Roma with Cage Wallace. Gross.

"That's… if that's what she's into, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what she thinks you can bring her financially. We're in high school, who knows, in ten years you could be a millionaire and—"

"Teacher."

"What?" Clarke grimaced at his fingers stelling more kettle corn.

"I want to be a teacher. History. I want to inspire the kids into finding something they're passionate about. I haven't had a teacher like that and I think it could make a world of difference in teaching and learning."

Clarke hummed. "You're a nerd."

Bellamy scoffed, leaning back against the fence, watching their classmates and townspeople walking past.

"I didn't say it was a bad thing."

"I'm sure, _Princess_ ," he said and the nickname was softer, like he actually might like her, it only took them three years. "You came with Collins, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"And he's over there with Reyes…"

"Yep. Wait, how do you know her?"

"She was on Mecca's soccer team before her accident… Murphy's accident."

"Wait, Murphy really hit someone while driving drunk last year? Murphy hit Raven?"

"You really didn't know?"

"Uh, no. I thought it was just a rumor."

"Some rumors are actual gossip. Anyway, you want to make him jealous?"

"No, they're clearly back together. I'm going to head home."

"I'll walk you," he offered with a shrug before pushing off the fence.

"I have my car. It's in the parking lot."

"Then I'll walk you to your car. Please don't leave me to watch either of those doomed couples while I'm waiting for my sister."

Clarke laughed before rolling her eyes, maybe Bellamy isn't that bad. He's still ranked third in their class and pissed that she's ranked higher than him, but he's a good guy. Maybe in any other life if things were somehow different, they could be friends.

Maybe… maybe they could be something more than sniping enemies.


	24. What's With the Box (PART 2)

There wasn't a time where Clarke wasn't in Bellamy's life. He can't think of a single memory that didn't have her there in some way shape or form and it pissed him off to no end. How dare she take over his life without him noticing!

It wasn't like they were even really friends. Their friends were friends and that meant they hung out together and it's been that way since high school. He'd gotten into State which was a half hour away, close enough to keep an eye on Octavia, but what he didn't know was that even though Clarke had gotten into Harvard, Yale, Columbia, and Stanford, she chose State too. Their friends did too and they somehow all moved to Polis from Arkadia within three years and had all managed to stay within ten blocks of each other.

There was one time where Octavia moved in with Lincoln, when Bellamy was being too overprotective, and it was twelve blocks from him, whose apartment was the central hub of their friends and only Harper and Raven visited her because they were the closest at 7 blocks and they complained about it every time they came back from it. But that was only for three months until Lincoln's lease was up and they moved into Clarke's building which was the closest of the rest of their friends at just two blocks. Bellamy got his sister back and Lincoln was a good addition to their friends, balancing out Murphy's and Octavia's crazy all on his own.

Everyone thought that the way he and Clarke fought about nearly everything, that it meant they'd both fall madly in love and have a bunch of kids or they'd implode. Though it did take Bellamy seven years to realize that the petite blonde genius artist was the most important person in his life, he didn't realize that it was so consuming and obvious until Echo walked into his apartment for the first time. They'd been dating for three months and she hadn't been to his place, saying it was a little Norman Bates-like, hiding the serial killer under the guise of going to her apartment instead of both. It wasn't that he was keeping her out or hiding anything, it was that his apartment was never empty, just as his phone never stopped vibrating with texts because of the damn group chat he kept leaving and being added back in, his friends were everywhere.

Just like Clarke was all over his apartment, more so than Jasper's bong, Monty's moonshine, Miller's beanies and sweaters, Raven's hair ties, Murphy's cooking utensils. Odd pieces of Harper's uniform, or Octavia's everything (she still half lived there). Clarke had art supplies and clothes and little post-its with notes, thoughts, quotes, phone numbers, or doodles strewn about the entire apartment. She had spare clothes in his closet because she was always clothes and likely coming directly from work and hated hanging out with them in her tight pencil skirts and blouses that showed off her chest, so she had sweats and jeans and a casual-yet-could-be-dressy-with-the-right-shoes dress (blame Octavia) for when they went to a bar or club. His friends were his family and thinking of Clarke like family sent his brain into a tailspin that Echo read on his face when she turned to look at him.

"You entertain a lot?" she asked.

"Uh, not by choice, my friends practically live here. I'm surprised no one is here right now."

"You're one of those guys?"

"One of what guys?"

"The guys that adopt people and never get rid of them."

"Uh, no. I… it's a weird story but I guess that could be the quick and easy way of telling it all."

"So what's the long story?"

"My sister is four years younger than me. She was friends with this girl, Harper through elementary school and when they moved up to middle school they were separated and Jasper had this gigantic crush on Octavia and at some point through the year, Octavia mentioned her best friend was Harper and Jasper thought it was too odd a name to be common so he asked his best friend's girlfriend if she knew an Octavia and so Jasper and Monty came into the Blake family fold. Monty and Harper are still together and it's been… over a decade I think. Murphy, Miller, and I played soccer together since we were seven and I met Clarke at a carnival. I mean I knew of her, she and her friend, Wells, were battling it out for valedictorian while I struggled to maintain my number three rank. Clarke slowly weaseled her way into the family, along with Raven who's boyfriend was cheating on her with Clarke when we met, it was a thing that remains being a thing because the moment they hook up with someone new they call each other after and have a whole document in their Notes apps of named the other has slept with."

"That's a weird thing."

"Yeah, they're weird. There have been significant others like Lincoln, Octavia's long-term boyfriend, and Emori, Murphy's girl, but unless the break up is cool a side is picked and every time they go with the lengths of the friendships."

"And if Monty and Harper break up?"

"Uh… knowing them, it'd be amicable so they'd be friends still but if it were nasty in any way, it'd probably be a split down the middle and come down to a coin toss."

"A coin toss deciding who you'd be friends with after a breakup?"

"Yeah. I'd prefer Monty, but I think it's because all I know about Harper is that she likes kickboxing and, ironically, is the biggest pacifist in the world. Monty makes me awesome moonshine."

"Huh," Echo grimaced as the door opened and hurricane Clarke arrived, her mouth running a mile a minute.

"Bellamy, do you know where my black dress is? The one with the strappy back and makes my boobs look amazing? Oh! I also need the paint—" she stopped dead in her tracks at the sight of Echo staring at her like she had five heads. "Echo? Shit, O told me about this but then I was asked out and I need the dress and I got an idea for a painting and I need a hue I left here for that—"

"Clarke, breathe," Bellamy reminded her and Clarke's eyes locked on his, and she breathed in through her nose and out her mouth, calming her. "You good?"

She nodded.

"Echo, this hyperactive mass of nervous energy is Clarke. Clarke, this is Echo."

They exchanged hellos as Clarke's words fell on him. "You got asked out?"

"Wow, make it sound like I'm a disgusting troll person, why don't you."

"That's not what I meant or how I said it. I'm just surprised you said yes after everything."

"Yeah, well, Lexa's been gone for four years, and Niylah and I stopped having fun last year, so I had nothing holding me back. He seems nice and I feel like he's Abby approved, but I'm going to give him a chance."

Bellamy scoffed, "Yeah, okay. For the dress… try the back of my closet."

Echo grimaced at him and when Clarke disappeared into his room he closed his eyes in preparation for an argument that was likely going to happen once Clarke left.

"Found it!" Clarke called, and it was slightly muffled, but then she came out of his room and looked between the two of them. "I'm sorry for interrupting, though I feel inclined to warn you that Jasper wants to do the thing tonight," she said to him, and he groaned.

"I'm with Echo tonight. I put it on the calendar."

"Yeah, they all think she's fake. I'd bring her. If she can handle us doing the thing, then she can handle us on an average Tuesday."

"There is no in between," he smirked, and Clarke laughed.

"Precisely. So…"

"We'll talk and text the answer," Bellamy agreed and Clarke hop-skipped over to him and pressed a kiss to his cheek before heading out, the door slamming shut behind her.

"She's… something," Echo said, and Bellamy grimaced.

"She had class today, so she's been on an IV drip of caffeine for eight hours already."

"What?"

"Sorry, coffee. She has a cup an hour until four so she can sleep properly."

"Right. She just leaves clothes at your apartment?"

"I think half of all my friends' favorite things are here. This is the central hub and if someone's not here, then they're five minutes away. We're all kind of more than friends; we're a family."

"Or a cult."

Bellamy laughed wondering if she could fit into the fold of her friends without causing waves. If she can't, he loses her or her friends, and he doesn't want to lose anyone.

It was something he was very concerned about and was putting it off until he couldn't anymore and maybe, just maybe there's something wrong with him thinking that his friends wouldn't like her. They met through work and she was easy to talk to. His consultations usually last under thirty minutes and then he doesn't see them again until the product is final, he liked that but with Echo, three hours felt like fifteen minutes so he asked her out. It was easy and care-free, so logically he asked her on a date.

Fuck, his friends are going to hate her. He can't even talk himself into liking her and they've been dating for three months. What was wrong with him?

"Hey," he heard behind him before hearing the door of his workshop close behind her. He continued staining the piece, knowing that she'd step around and be annoying. "What's with the box?"

"It's for Echo."

"You made Echo a box? You never made me a box; I thought we were friends."

"You already have a box."

"Vagina joke. Funny. I'm serious."

"So was I. You never inquired about me making anything for you, so I didn't think you were actually interested in my business."

"That's because I thought you were going to go to school to become a teacher. It was the first real thing I knew about you, Bellamy. Third in our class, older brother, passionate, inspirational history teacher. It's what you wanted for yourself and what I still want for you."

"I'm happy, Clarke. I'm doing good."

She grimaced. "So what's with the box?"

"It's for Echo's dad."

"You're meeting her dad and she hasn't met your friends yet?"

"Did you like her when you met her?"

"We're apparently not friends so my opinion doesn't matter."

Bellamy dropped the brush on his table and looked at her like she was crazy. "You do realize that you're the one that pushed your way into my life? That no matter what I do, I can't shake you."

"I—sorry to inconvenience you, Blake," she scoffed and stormed out of his workshop, the door slamming behind her.

"Fuck!" he exclaimed, slamming his fist on the table. He didn't mean it and he knew that, but he also knows that the way he says things sometimes is what gets her ticked off. They usually scream it out, but this is something different. This was her not caring enough.

When he got home, Harper, Monty, Jasper, and Raven were arguing about something between Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, you know, the real shit that matters in the world. But he wasn't in the mood to listen to their theories that usually made him laugh and smile, occasionally joining in. Clarke Griffin had ruined his day.

There wasn't a time where Clarke wasn't in his life. Now he can't think of a single memory that didn't have her there in some way shape or form and it pissed him off to no end. How dare she take over his life without him noticing! How dare he not see how they were together and that he's in love with her. How could it just sneak up on him like that?

"Get out."

Monty looked at Bellamy and nodded, standing up to put his beer in the fridge. Jasper opened his mouth, but Raven cut him off as she stood. "Jasper collect your shit, we're leaving."

"But—"

"Jasper, if you are not out of my house in one minute, you will be thrown out the window. Got it?" Bellamy said walking into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of Tullamore Dew and popped it open; his tell that it was a bad day and he doesn't want to deal with anyone's shit.

"Come on," Raven pushed and within thirty seconds, the four of them left and Bellamy downed a quarter of the bottle in one go. The door popped open and he turned to find Raven there. "I'm not staying. Just reminding you that you have people to talk to."

"Yeah, well, this isn't something worth talking about."

Raven nodded. "Murphy and I are just a phone call away."

Bellamy nodded. Like he needed Murphy's sardonic attitude about this, he may be his best friend, but half the time Bellamy hated Murphy's attitude.

"Talk to me," Octavia said the next morning showing up with lunch.

"And say what?" he sneered, his hangover the worst he's ever experienced and he's incredibly thankful for the hero O brought.

"Was it Echo?" she asked through her roast beef Panini she was chewing on. Bellamy's barely unwrapped his. "Did you break up?"

"This has nothing to do with Echo."

Octavia swallowed. "Okay. Then what?"

"Nothing. Nothing, I should go to the shop. I have some commissions to finish."

"Speaking of, did Clarke stop by yesterday? She wanted to talk to you about Raven's birthday next month."

"No, I haven't seen her," he lied, taking a bite of the Italian hero.

"She hasn't been answering her phone either. Do you think Abby did something?"

"I think Clarke's a big girl who doesn't need to be watched over."

"You know she's the closest to you. You're the one she opens up to."

"What?"

"Something about high school, she said. You talked to her."

"I…uh, yeah. We weren't friends though."

Octavia shrugged, "Something you said made her not want to try to kill herself again. Something about you keeps her hopeful."

Anger flared through him and he didn't know what to do with this new knowledge of the perky blonde he's known for a decade. This wasn't something he could ignore and play off like it didn't mean anything because it meant everything. Who the hell would he be without Clarke Griffin? "What are you talking about, O? She's happy. She's always been happy!"

"What planet have you been on, Bellamy? Clarke is seriously fucked up!"

"No," he said softly as his brain flashed through memories of her. The smiles and the laughter and the probably too vague comments about death and the constant morbidity of her words. How had he not seen it before? How had she been so good at hiding her thoughts and feelings for so long? "Fuck," he choked on the bile rising up his throat and blinking through the tears. Throwing his sandwich back on the plate he stood.

"I gotta go. Lock the door when you leave."

Bellamy ran out of his apartment and the two blocks to Clarke's, banging on her door. "Clarke? Clarke! Oh, come on! Please, just let me know you're okay!"

"Why do you care? We're not friends!" She called from the other side of the door and he sighed, dropping his head against the wood. "Leave me alone!"

"Fine, I'll go. I'll make mac and cheese for Raven's birthday. The cake too, chocolate ganache, right?"

"Yes. Just… just go."

Bellamy sighed again and backed away from the door. "Okay."

The next week Bellamy lived at his workshop. His phone died halfway through Sunday and he knew his friends and sister were worried but there were only two places he'd be and if they were really concerned they'd check them out. A week turned into two and he finally had everything work right and he couldn't stop working until the actual wood pieces fit together perfectly. He didn't know how to give it to her, he didn't know when or if he was going to see her again outside of their friend group and quite honestly, he worried about her. He couldn't stop, now that he knew why she stuck around him, he couldn't stop worrying now that she hated him. Of course that's when he realized how he felt, when she hated him. The cosmos is a bitch.

He stained the wood and stole a bunch of quotes from his favorite books that reminded him of how she made him feel. How she makes him better. He knew giving it to her at Raven's party was risky, but it had to be done. She won't see him anywhere else.

As the night went on, Bellamy quickly learned that Clarke was avoiding him and that Raven invited Echo. When Echo wasn't glued to his side, she was laughing with Raven and Clarke was nowhere in sight or by the off chance that she was, she made a weak excuse to leave him wherever she could and disappear until Echo magically came back to his side.

He didn't give up, just switched tactics, instead of trying to give it to her in person, he dropped it in her purse, the one she's had forever that he saw her without once, maybe twice.

And so the night went on and Echo realized that he wasn't paying any attention to her and by the end of the night they'd broken up somewhat amicably, as in she yelled and he agreed with her decision, though he didn't think that what they were could have been considered exclusive but to her they were and whatever… they're over and Bellamy tried sticking around to help Clarke clean up but then Jasper broke a dish and he herded him into a cab and when Bellamy got back to her apartment, her door was closed and locked. He knew better than to push her, but maybe that was something for their friends and not him. Maybe because he's kept her around she… No, Bellamy, you're not some hero, you're not her knight in shining armor that swoops in and saves her, that's not you. You can love her but ultimately now that you put your heart out there on the line, she gets to make the next move.

Back out on the sidewalk Bellamy shivered, "Fuck. My jacket."

The new few days flew by, Echo picked up her father's chest that finished drying two days before and he got started on a new commission as well as a few of the vases he had up for sale on Etsy. He was trying his hardest not to call or text Clarke, to give her space. The wooden heart had everything he had to say inside it, and though he wanted to storm over to her apartment and solve it for her, he knew better than to do just that. He had to give her time to find it and time to figure out what she wanted once she opened it.

Thursday, the door slammed open and Bellamy jumped in the middle of cutting a hole in the middle of a piece of wood. Shutting the drill off, he took his goggles off just as Clarke threw a Ziploc bag full of pieces of wood and the notes he wrote her.

"What the hell is this?" she demanded and Bellamy sighed, taking his gloves off.

"A declaration."

"Why now? What the hell changed in the last ten years? What changed since the last time I was here?"

"Everything."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"That means I know what happened before we met."

"You…" she shook her head, taking a step back with a labored breath as she held her wrist against her stomach. "You don't know anything."

"Then tell me," he pleaded, needing to know why she didn't want to be in this world, didn't want to know him because he doesn't know who he'd be without her in his life. "Please, tell me why you wanted to end your life."

"Is that… is that what this is about? You claim it's a declaration but for who? For you or just in general? Either way that's fucked up, that's more fucked up than I was back then."

"From me. If I wanted to make you feel horrible about trying that, I would have picked other quotes of Homer's, but I love you, so I picked ones about love, about committing to someone."

The words so easy, so smooth flowing out of his mouth that he thought that he may have always felt that way for her. That him pushing her away, for always being better than him, was his way of hiding his feelings, from her and himself. The look in her eyes as she stepped towards him was a look he's never seen on her before. He didn't know what to make of it nor did he know what she was thinking at that moment.

She licked her lips and looked at the bag of puzzle pieces and notes. "'There is nothing more admirable than two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.'"

"'There is the heat of Love, the pulsing rush of Longing, the lover's whisper, irresistible—magic to make the sanest man go mad,'" he countered, though it's not a competition like every other part of their life. It's an understanding. Finally seeing each other's perspectives for the first time.

"You saying I drive you crazy, Blake?" she smirked, leaning against the table with her head cocked to the side. God, she's beautiful.

"Yeah, Princess, absolutely mad," he reached for her hand that was still clutching her other wrist to her chest. He pushed the sleeve of her sweater up and revealed the old scar, an infinity tattoo, and a softer, still brutal one next to it, and it nearly broke him. He brought it up to his lips, kissing the scar, the tattoo, and scab before locking eyes with her. Her free hand came up to his cheek and wiped the tears away. "Never do this again," he said, voice getting hoarse.

"I can't promise you that."

"Clarke…"

"I can promise that I'll tell you when I feel like I need to. I can promise that I'll talk to someone. You saved me, the last ten years, it was you. If I hadn't met you when Finn…"

"He never deserved you, and I don't either, I nearly lost you," he grimaced, looking back to the healing wound on her wrist. "This was me."

"No, no, I—that is me, Bellamy, it's my lack of self-worth. Your words just made what I was already thinking real. It would have happened with or without you. It hurt because I love you so much."

Bellamy looked back into her eyes and saw hope inside them, whether it was hope for a general future or a future with him, he didn't care because he will always be searching for hope in her eyes from now on. All he wants is to make her happy.

He leaned in, his intention clear, but pulled away at the look in her eyes. "Sorry."

"No, no. I'm sorry. I just never thought that that would happen, so I freaked out. You should definitely kiss me. Please, ki—" he didn't let her finish, getting a little bite on his lip in response but she was going to ramble. It's cute but currently inconvenient.

Yeah, he plans on making her happy and hopeful for a very long time.


	25. I Like How You Think (PART 3)

Clarke rolled over and smiled at the image before her, Bellamy holding Madi tightly to his chest. Though it's only been three months with them, Madi sees what Clarke sees in Bellamy, that anchor that keeps her in place when the tide keeps trying to drag her out into its depths and consume her. She's felt it less and less the last two years, and though she itched for a razor now and then, she always called Bellamy instead, always made an appointment with Luna, her therapist, when she did.

It's been rough, going it alone for so long and suddenly opening up about everything, she wished she dared to tell Bellamy everything, about her dad and her mom, about Riley… and Cage. How she beat herself up by saying she deserved it all. That she somehow asked for it all, but there were some things he couldn't know, things that would change how he looked at her, how he'd see her and she didn't want that.

"Hey," he said lowly, looking over at her. "When did she sneak in?"

"Around four. It was a nightmare this time."

He nodded and Clarke knew what he was thinking "better than a wet bed." She was too.

Not that Madi knew any better, she's six and had so much going against her in all the foster homes before them. Wetting the bed was normal for a six-year-old with trauma, or so Clarke assumed.

"I miss morning sex," Bellamy whispered, though Madi's ear was right next to his mouth, and Clarke swore she heard a small groan with the words.

Clarke smiled, she missed it too. If they could sneak him out from under Madi's arm, they could have shower sex, which isn't the same as the gloriously slow pace and build of morning sex in their bed, but Clarke could make the compromise.

"How about I swing by at lunch? We order some tacos and get our rocks off while we wait for it."

"The taco place is five minutes away; you're giving us twenty minutes to get our rocks off?"

Clarke chuckled, "Make the most of what we have. It takes me ten minutes to get there, and I'm going to need ten minutes back to work. We only have forty minutes to work with, twenty to eat and most likely talk and twenty for… fun."

"I can't believe our lives have come down to scheduling sex into our lunch breaks because this one has the ears of an elephant and can't sleep in her own bed."

Clarke shook her head fondly, "Am I going to get an answer for my generous offer?"

"Are you kidding? It's always going to be a yes. We have to get this one ready for school first," he smiled, shifting so Madi would start waking up slowly.

Their morning was quick, too quick. After Madi woke up, Clarke took a shower while Bellamy cooked them breakfast and Madi picked out her clothes for school and traded the bathroom with Clarke who changed for work and they met in the kitchen, leaving Bellamy to shower and change all on his own. Clarke loved the idea of the three of them having breakfast together every morning and they usually would, but they had their little talk that morning in bed instead so a compromise was made. Bellamy grabbed the travel mug that Clarke filled for him, and Madi took his hand on their way out the door while Clarke washed the dishes, getting a kiss on the cheek from both of them and Bellamy looking her directly in the eyes when he told her that he loved her.

It was a move that simultaneously made her feel guilty and completely loved, she had slipped up last year, and it wasn't entirely intentional, but when it happened by mistake, she didn't jump to stop the bleeding. Bellamy took it personally, said he didn't love her enough that he had to try harder to make her happy. It broke her heart even more that he thought her broken pieces were his to put back together but there was a piece missing, a part she didn't know she needed and Madi didn't quite fit right either, but Clarke had someone to live for. It's too much pressure for a six-year-old, but Clarke didn't pressure her like that, she learned from her mother's mistake.

Hours later, Clarke walked into Blake's Woodworking and smiled at the sight of Bellamy with his sleeves rolled up and sweat coating every visible inch of his smooth, golden skin. "Hey, sexy," she smiled, dropping her purse on the chair before locking the door behind her and shutting the open sign off.

"Hey, give me one second, this has been a bitch all day, and I think I got it," he said with a low grunt as a sliver of wood shot through the air. He sighed with a soft, triumphant smile before dropping the chisel on the table and looked up at her, giving her a thorough once over. "How the hell did I get so lucky?" he smiled.

"Isn't that my line? The one who pined the longest gets to be the lucky one."

"Not when my girl looks like that and has the smartest brains to boot. I'm damn lucky."

"You're one to talk, Adonis."

"You're my Aphrodite, baby," he said seriously before breaking into a fit of laughter. It's light moments like those that Clarke hated ruining, she hated them coming to an end, but there was something about that moment in that place where instead of wanting to screw his brains out as they had planned, she wanted to tell him why she's such a mess. Why she had two new scars next to the one she had before meeting him, the one she hid from him for ten years.

"I know we had a plan, but I'm ready to tell you."

Bellamy's expression changed to wary excitement before masking it quickly with concern. She knew he'd be anxious to know what happened that turned Arkadia High's perfect princess into the school's closet basket case. "Are you sure? I don't…"

"I'm ready. Do you want to order the food first?"

"Yeah," he nodded, looking around for his phone and she just pulled hers out instead and dialed the restaurant, ordering their usual.

Bellamy was sitting on a stool next to her, and she sat in the open one that his clients usually sat in. It was where they first made love, and yes, that's the proper term because he was so gentle and loving that Clarke felt it in her toes days later.

"I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to see me differently. I know that's not who you are, but it's just a fear I have, that you'll find out and run, think I'm disgusting and never want to see me again."

"I won't, baby," he shook his head. "I can't. It's always going to be you for me."

Clarke nodded. She knew that, but she wanted him to know her fears, why she hasn't already told him. "I was fifteen and, God, a complete loser. I only had Wells as a friend, and we weren't even friends really, more family. We grew up together, and we were both battling for the top of the class. Um, my dad died, and I lost the one person who truly understood me. I lost myself, and I was just starting to get depressed because I didn't just lose my dad, my mom seemed to not care that he was gone which made me feel even more alone. Summer break started, and there was a party that some guy offhandedly invited me to, and it wasn't like I had someone at home who cared where I was, so I went. I didn't drink alcohol, and I never left my can of Coke alone, so I don't know how it happened, but all I could remember was blonde hair and boisterous laughter and immense pain. I tried saying no, I tried getting out of the situation, but I was being held down and… my mouth was so dry that I don't know if there was tape keeping me from saying no or something in my mouth that I was choking on."

Bellamy's jaw tightened, he probably didn't think it was anything like this, just her mom and dad maybe, maybe some Lexa. She knew he wanted to kill Riley before this because he tried messing with Octavia who was a junior in high school when he came back that summer three years after the incident Clarke's telling him about, but now Clarke is afraid he's going to act on it. It wasn't like she didn't want to kill Riley for both, but who was it going to help at this point? Clarke pressed on.

"The next thing I remember was being at the hospital with my mom, and an officer was taking her statement, and she practically blamed me for being raped. That I was promiscuous, asking for it, that I always was. I didn't know why until the school year started back up and I had Riley Sydney in three of my classes." Clarke scoffed, saying his name felt like saying Lord Voldemort in Harry Potter, it gave him the power, but he doesn't get her power anymore. She's stronger now. "Riley Sydney, the son of the Chief of Police. One of the classes I had with him I also had with Cage Wallace, a knowing look between the two and I figured it out. Cage was there that night of the party; he was in the room while Riley… Cage was holding me down, and he was what kept me quiet. The whole year was torture with them around, and they were seniors, but they shared the knowledge with some juniors, and my mom still didn't believe me.

"It got worse and worse, they followed me home, harassed me there. Social media was hell, so I deleted every account I had. It wasn't that I couldn't take it anymore, but since I wasn't on social media, I didn't see the pictures until they were up for a while and the internet is forever. I couldn't go to college with that floating around. I didn't have a future outside of Arkadia anymore; I was going to be stuck there with the losers who raped me and tortured me as they amounted to nothing, becoming the same as them."

She couldn't look at Bellamy telling him the next part; she didn't have any dignity or pride in her actions. There was nothing to be proud of…

"Logically, seeing absolutely no hope. No end to my torture, I found a razor. It was old and rusty, and I didn't care that I found it on the floor of the garage. I'd die of tetanus as long as it meant I would never see any of them again. I couldn't live anymore and barely surviving wasn't enough.

"Apparently my mother, who hadn't given a shit for years, didn't see it that way. She found me and brought me back. Sometimes it sucked being the daughter of a brilliant cardiothoracic surgeon. Especially when she catches me mid-suicide and saves me right in my bathtub and doesn't do anything aside from throwing me in the psych ward of her hospital. She was in the same building eighty hours a week and didn't visit me once. She didn't want anyone to know she had a basket case for a daughter.

"She had them release me early because missing the first day of senior year was unacceptable. My health or well-being wasn't as important as what it would look to the community if I weren't there on the first day." Clarke scoffed at her mother's callousness. "Of course, no one knew anything about her drug addiction then."

"Clarke…" he started but she needed to get it all out, she needed to know why she trusted him and followed him to Polis because that's precisely what she did. It wasn't an accident, she called the school and asked to join, that she made a mistake choosing Brown. She wanted to go to State.

"I didn't talk to anyone senior year. Not a single person until Finn asked me out and then… you. You made everything seem okay with one conversation. You brought a light to my darkness, and maybe that wasn't fair, putting all that pressure on one real thing you told me. The only real thing I knew about anyone."

"Clarke, why did you think I would look at you differently?"

"Because you are. Right now, you're looking at me like I'm the strongest person you've ever met."

"Because you are! How do you not see that? You've been through so much, and you keep going, it's not easy, and it's never going to be, but you're not alone anymore. You have people; you have me and O and Raven, hell, I think Murphy even counts."

Clarke scoffed. "Madi."

"She's not old enough to talk to about it, but yes, you have her. She has you; she can talk to you about everything she's been through, knowing that you won't judge her or think of her differently. I've always thought you were strong and brave; this just proves it. Oh, and I swear if we ever go back to Arkadia and I see either Cage or Riley… I'm going to jail."

Clarke scoffed, leaning over and kissing him. "Thank you for listening and for always being you. You may not be a teacher in the conventional 'working for the man' way, but you've taught me that I can love myself, that I deserve to be happy and I know you're going to be teaching Madi so much."

Bellamy shrugged, "I think I wanted to be a teacher because I didn't know what else I could do with a history degree. Not that it matters anymore because I'm a woodworker."

"Don't say it like that; our apartment is all your designs! They're amazing!"

"They're barely functional," he complained, and Clarke rolled her eyes as someone pounded on the door and she jumped to get it.

"Well, I love them!" she called, avoiding Bellamy's grimace that she's buying their lunch. He loved providing for his girls.

"So what I'm getting from you," he said after she paid the delivery guy. "Is that Madi is going to O's tonight and we're going to spend the entire night having sex, making you forget those scumbags ever existed."

"It'll probably take a week's worth of nonstop coitus," she smiled, sitting back on the stool. "But I like how you think."

"I'm calling her after we eat, you need to forget them pronto."

"And only a massive dose of 'vitamin d' will do the trick," she teased.

God, she loved him. She loved how he knew that she didn't want to talk about it all at once after she told him. She loved how he cared so much about her to make his want for sex more than something he wants and made it something about her (not that sex with him wasn't amazing and something she wants all the time, it's just nice that he wants to help her forget them. If that even makes sense).

After they ate Clarke kissed him goodbye, having to get back to work and he said he was calling O, he can't wait for the weekend. He wants her to forget them more than anything.

They can make it, Clarke knew they would, and it was more about her not getting too in her head about what she can't control and focus on what she can more than anything. Or so her therapist told her.


	26. You Can't Ask Me That

If Clarke Griffin were to look back on her life right at this moment and have to choose between all her past crushes for the "one that got away," she wouldn't choose Riley, Wells, Anya, Finn, or Niylah. No, it would be fucking Bellamy Blake.

She knew that answer would kill Lexa. It's a stupid trope that Clarke didn't believe in because Niylah was never jealous of her friendship with Wells or her relationship with Finn but then again it was Niylah's care-free personality and they were never serious, though Clarke had thought it was going in that direction before Niylah moved to Boston to take care of her ailing uncle. But Lexa wasn't Niylah and she was that jealous stereotype that believed bi girls were just experimenting. Sure, she proposed and loved Clarke but there was going to be a part of her that still disapproved of half of Clarke's sexuality. Who Clarke's attracted to had nothing to do with gender and that was a problem at the beginning of their relationship. Clarke would look at a man and Lexa would be insanely jealous, it didn't make sense to Clarke but she tried to dampen that part of herself, even if it meant distancing herself from some of her friends.

So when, at their engagement party, one of Lexa's friends asked Clarke who her "one that got away" was, and her brain shot to Bellamy and Clarke kept her mouth shut. "If I said no last month, it would have been Lexa," she answered and they all sighed with how sweet a sentiment it was. Of course, Clarke couldn't deny that it was but there was a look in Lexa's eye the rest of the afternoon.

To Clarke's surprise, Lexa didn't say anything about it that night. Clarke and Bellamy hadn't seen each other in over a year, they stopped talking completely 360 days ago (not that she's counting or anything). It wasn't a big deal that the one person she was closest to her entire life dropped off the face of the Earth and disappeared. She knew it was for the best but there were things she wanted to tell him, things that only he would understand and every time she went to text him, her thumb froze over his contact and sighed, adding it to her notes instead.

Maybe it was all her, he texted and she didn't respond, they drifted apart once she started seeing Lexa. He didn't like her and wouldn't tell Clarke why. She didn't know, it didn't make sense. Lexa wasn't a bad person, she was just particular and if you didn't fit into the mold she initially put you in, she didn't know how to handle you.

Clarke was the exception to that rule because Lexa didn't know Clarke was bi when they first started dating. She wasn't keeping it a secret, she just didn't know that it was as important as it apparently was, but by the time Lexa found out, she liked Clarke more than she thought she would (verbatim) and it took a few days for her to adjust the mold to fit that part of Clarke into it.  
The thought of Clarke trying too hard to convince herself this was a good thing, was buried so deep in the vault of her mind, it was next to her dream of being an artist, and Bellamy Blake…

It's that how the world works though? You put something out of your mind and you never see it, things don't remind you of it and when something does, something like "who's the one that got away?" the thing you forgot about, the thing you thought was dead and buried and you'll never have to worry about it again, is exactly what begins to pop up everywhere. The one that got away, the vault of forgotten memories... where's he going to show up next? Doesn't matter though, she's engaged. Doing all the work that comes with the big wedding, food from the caterer, tasting cakes, looking at venues. Clarke didn't have time to worry about when the next time Bellamy Blake would pop up in conversation or thought and that was the point, right? To not think about him because not thinking about him means not wondering how he is, how he's been, who he's with… No, Clarke certainly didn't have the time to think about any of it, not when she and Lexa were pulling up to a winery recommended by Abby because "not only are the views spectacular, but everything comes all together. Food, booze, cake, venue, all-inclusive wedding package." Perfectly ideal, Clarke thought while hating that she agreed with her mother on something.

As she stepped out of the car, Clarke couldn't help but gape at the landscape they were overlooking, she knew that Napa was gorgeous, but this was something else entirely. Clarke felt like she was coming home for the first time. She felt her soul settle.

"I'm getting married here, whether you're in or not," she joked and Lexa didn't respond, she never did. Always so damn stoic.

"Come on," she said pulling Clarke by the elbow some. "We're running late."

Fifteen seconds isn't late.

Clarke walked on her own and when they walked into the villa she smiled at the high ceiling and the feel of the old Italian-style house.

"Hi," she heard from behind and spun around to find a man standing in the doorway of what seemed to be an office. He was wiping his sweaty brow with a handkerchief. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, we're the Woods-Griffin wedding, we have an appointment."

"Of course, our event coordinator is back in the hall right now preparing. I can take you there," he smiled and pushed off the door jamb and headed down the opposite hall, turning to make sure they were following and of course, Lexa was dragging Clarke along. "I'm Miles Shaw, by the way, I'm kind of related to Charmaine and run the place while she's supporting God knows what political movement."

Charmaine Diyoza, one of the most political non-politicians of our day. The winery and some other old money businesses were on her roster of equities. Clarke had met her at one point or another when she didn't have a choice in the matter of going to charity galas with her parents. Of course that's how her mother picked this place.

"She's an old family friend," Clarke stated with a half grimace, avoiding Lexa's eyes. She doesn't like sharing unnecessary information, it's not like Miles doesn't know they're getting married and will be spending a lot of time here coordinating such an affair.

That's exactly what it was, an affair. An over the top extravaganza that neither Clarke or Lexa wanted but agreed to because they knew Abby would have done it all behind their backs anyway. Not that Abby was particularly happy about Clarke marrying a woman, but it was a show of support that Marcus Kane needed for the people to vote for him in the next election, whenever that was.  
At the end of the hall Shaw opened one of the French doors and called into the space, "Lake, your two o'clock is here."

"Send them in," a deep voice called and Shaw looked at Lexa then Clarke. "He's in a mood," he whispered and Clarke smirked, not giving Lexa a reason to be any more jealous than she already was.

"Thank you," Lexa said and pulled Clarke into the room to find a tall man with nearly black shaggy hair adjusting a centerpiece.

"Hello, welcome to—" he stopped short when he looked at them and Clarke froze. "Clarke?" his voice was soft and breezy, like he couldn't believe she found him. She couldn't believe she found him.

He looked good. Really good. His hair longer, the beard was something new and sexy and Clarke's thighs rubbed together at the filthy thought that ran through it. She looked away, like always when she found a man attractive with Lexa around. Showing disinterest was her way of telling Lexa she was in this, she loved her and nothing was going to change that.

"Hi, Bellamy."

"Wow," he scoffed. "You're the one that stopped talking to me and you don't even have the decency to look me in the eyes. This isn't the right fit for your wedding. Good luck and congratulations."

Bellamy spun on his heels and walked out the back door and Lexa turned to Clarke pointedly. "What the hell was that?"

"Which part?"

"When did you stop talking to him?"

"You thought I would just stop talking about my best friend to you? No, I cut him out of my life because you were jealous and I was sick of hearing you complain about my friendship with him. Of course I cared about him more! I've been through the most with him!"

"You couldn't have told me that?"

"You couldn't let me have friends of my own?"

"Fix this. It's the nicest place we've been to and I want to get married here."

"Yeah, well, so do I but he just said no."

"Then change his mind."

Clarke scoffed and followed Bellamy out the door. There was a path that she followed down to a pond with a bench swing at the edge, looking out over the water. She found Bellamy hunched over on the bench, not looking out over the water, but his head in his hands.

"It's beautiful out here."

"What are you doing here?" he asked, not moving an inch.

"This is the best place we found, the only place we've agreed on. Please don't hold the past year against me. It wasn't you."

"Yeah, I fucking know that," he growled, sitting back.

"I'm sorry for ghosting you. I just…" Clarke sighed, taking a seat next to him. "Lexa gets jealous. Especially with men. It's a stereotype for lesbians who date bi girls. They think it's a phase, that we'll go back to men and it's not like that. If we break up and I happen to be attracted to a guy afterward, it doesn't mean that I ever thought she's ill-equipped to satisfy my sexual needs. Odds are she didn't even come to mind with the decision.

"You and I have been through a lot together and she knew that I cared about you more than I did any of our friends. She… didn't hold it against me but I did ditch her to hang out with you once and that wasn't cool. Is this making any sense?"

"If you didn't stay with her and decide to ignore me like you did, could you have liked me like that? Could you have loved me?"

"You can't ask me that."

"I'm asking for her. I'm still fucking pissed about it all."

"Maybe. It's not like the feelings weren't there. It's not like I didn't know if we could have gotten along or live together, I already knew all that."

"And you still choose her."

"Are you saying you wanted to be with me?"

"I was working up the courage to ask you out the night you brought her to the bar."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

Clarke didn't know what to say. She broke her best friend's heart and wrote him off like it was nothing. She doesn't deserve to be happy or get married in such a beautiful place.

"Okay, fine," Bellamy said, breaking the silence after a few minutes of Clarke further torturing herself about how shitty a friend she is. "You can get married here."

"No, Bellamy…"

"Everyone deserves to be happy, Clarke. If marrying Lexa here will help bring you to that happiness, then who am I to keep you from it?"

"I was an asshole, be an asshole. Don't let her get what she wants."

"It's what you want too," he stated and Clarke sighed. "But don't think I'm not going to fight for you this time."

Clarke's confused blue eyes shot up, directly into Bellamy's determined dark orbs, and realization sunk in.

Fuck.


	27. Are You Still Awake?

Clarke groaned rolling over in her sleeping bag, she absolutely hated Octavia and Raven for suggesting this damn camping trip for Columbus Day weekend. First of all, it's cold. Sure there's supposed to be an 80-degree heatwave for Sunday but that doesn't change the fact that they're hiking for four hours on Friday and Monday, two of the coldest days in October. (She might also hate Halloween in New York because it's so damn cold too but she could never actually _hate_ Halloween, it's her favorite.)

Once all their tents were up on Friday night after arriving at Octavia and Lincoln's favorite camping spot on top of a mountain, they all had dinner discussing who's staying with who and Clarke grimaced because none of her friends knew she and Bellamy were together so they weren't sharing a tent. Clarke was put with Raven and Bellamy was with Murphy. Emori didn't want to risk the baby and Shaw couldn't get out of work, so their group of four couples plus Bellamy and Clarke went down to three couples, two half couples, and Bellamy and Clarke, who no one knew were secretly dating.

It wasn't like it was a secret that they were head over heels for each other for years and just completely oblivious until just recently at an art show of all places, it was just odd that they weren't being forced into the same tent with whatever lie Octavia, Raven, and Murphy concocted.

It was also the reason she couldn't sleep (aside from the rock in her back). Sleeping with Bellamy for the last month and a half had become a habit that her body was not happy with.

She was nearly asleep when she heard the opening of the tent unzipped and felt fingers on her collarbone as she kept her eyes shut. "Are you still awake?" He whispered and Clarke hummed, his fingers always felt so good on her skin.

"Can't sleep either?" She asked turning her head to find Bellamy's shaggy hair silhouetted by the moonlight.

"Not without you," he said and it was so simple, so sweet that Clarke couldn't help but smile. "Come look at the stars with me."

"I'm so warm," she pouted, knowing he was going to get his way. His fingers dancing along her collarbone moved further down her chest and between her breasts, the memory of the night before flashing in her mind and she rubbed her thighs together.

"Bring it, we'll wrap up in it together. I miss my girl."

"Shh, Raven could be awake."

"Raven took an Ambien, she's out til morning."

Clarke rolled her eyes, knowing he was right and climbed out of her sleeping bag and dragging it out of the tent and followed Bellamy, fingers intertwined to the edge of the cliff and he spun her around, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind. The moonlight gave the valley a soft blue glow, the river below shining the light back up in the sky and Clarke smiled at the thousands of stars above them.

She shivered when a big gust of wind crashed over them and Bellamy chortled, "Come on, Princess. Let's get you wrapped up in this sleeping bag."

Once they were settled, Clarke leaning back on Bellamy, sitting between his legs, his arm wrapped around her stomach protectively.

"Tell me something real," she asked softly, they were far enough away from their friends that a normal volume wouldn't wake them but there was something about the peacefulness of the middle of the night that made her not want to disturb the equilibrium of nature.

"Something real?" Bellamy asked, pressing a kiss to her neck. "I love you."

Clarke froze, it was the first time they said the words, the first time he's ever said it and even though she felt the same, the words wouldn't come.

"You don't have to say it back," he said softly. "You don't have to be ready just because I am."

"I—I..." Clarke sighed, blinking back the tears of not being able to say it back.

"Hey, hey," he whispered in her ear and stroking her thumb. "It's okay, whenever you're ready, baby. I feel it everyday, I can wait to hear it."

Clarke nodded. "It's not that I don't..."

"I know, I know... I know why, baby. You don't ever have to say it. Just be with me and show me everyday like you do."

Clarke smiled, "You show me more."

"Because you inspire me. I don't think I would be the man I am today without you."

"You would still be a great man, a great brother, but a little different. Yeah, people mold each other but their core always remain the same. You'd still be you without me."

"Not exactly a world I'd like to think about," he sighed pressing a kiss to her cheek and she nuzzled back into his neck.

When they woke up the next morning, their friends were all standing around them with smirks on their faces, like they knew all along.

Maybe they did.


	28. This has Never Happened Before

**Prequel to Are You Still Awake?**

* * *

Clarke turned the corner and was about to find the number for the next painting when she spotted Bellamy walking through the gallery. "Bellamy?" She half called, half questioned and he turned to her with surprised shock.

"Clarke. What—What are you doing here?"

"Art undergrad in an art museum," she smirked, lowering her headphones to her neck. "I don't know."

"Right, obviously."

"Why are you here?"

"Jasper's working late and Maya left her keys at home this morning so he asked if I could drop his off to her on my way home."

Clarke nodded, trying to hide the disappointment in her eyes, she knows he'll never like her like that, and yet, she still hopes.

"I remember Maya saying you've seen everything here ten times, memorized everything for class."

"Uh, yeah, it's this visiting collection. Bourbon Restoration, it's... small and beautiful."

"They were only in power for fifteen years, how did they impact the art so much?"

"You can listen in and learn with me," she offered and Bellamy smiled, she knew he was eager to learn anything about history, even if it were arthistory, it still made an impact on the world today in some way shape or form.

"Are you sure?"

Clarke nodded. "If you don't mind sharing a headset."

"I'm good with it. Are you sure? I don't want to impede your lesson."

"It's voluntary, I kind of go above and beyond what my professors ask of me."

"I'm aware," he smirked. He was the TA in her Mesopotamia class two semesters ago and yeah, she may have been trying to show off for him but she was also interested in the people of Mesopotamia.

"Right," she looked down, biting her lip.

"You really don't mind me tagging along?"

"No, it's fine."

They walked together, their heads leaning into each other listening to the woman narrate the history and story of each painting until they got to the end and they had to hand in their headset and Walkman.

They walked into the gift shop and Clarke grabbed the book for the collection and spotted Bellamy looking at the jewelry section before looking up and locking eyes with her. She turned back to the cashier and paid the eighteen dollars for the book (her student discount was barely four dollars).

"You heading home?" Bellamy asked, making her jump.

"Yeah."

"Are you hungry?"

Clarke looked at her watch, it was almost seven. They spent two and a half hours learning about French romanticism and they didn't argue about any of it, just embraced the beauty that was the art itself.

"You're a few blocks from O and Raven, right?"

"Yeah."

"How about the Thai place between your place and theirs?"

"Uh, yeah. Sounds good."

* * *

"You're being awkward," he said on the subway halfway to her stop and she looked up at him.

"We've never hung out before. It was one thing when talking wasn't a priority but it's weird if we don't now and I don't know what to say."

"You talk to strangers all the time about everything and nothing, how is this different?"

"It's one thing to talk Seinfeld with people, it's another to have a conversation with my old TA."

"Wow, not even friends. That hurts, Princess."

"Are we though? I mean, we hang out with the same people, but does that make us friends when we don't talk until now?"

Bellamy grimaced, "We can change that, right? You want to change that?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I—I do."

Bellamy licked his lips as the train came to a halt jolting her into him. Wrapping his arm around her, he held her steady.

"Thanks," she said pulling away. "Come on."

Bellamy rolled his eyes and followed her off the subway and up to the street and he looked around, he hadn't been to this stop before and it just felt different. The atmosphere was different than the stop going to Octavia's that he's used to. Clarke smirked and headed towards the Thai restaurant he suggested.

After they ordered, Bellamy sat back in his chair and looked at her.

"What?"

"I don't know, I feel as though I should pull up Words with Friends and then I might get something out of you."

"Words with Friends? People still play that?"

Bellamy smirked, "Yeah, I still play it so I assume other people do."

"Or you're friends with robots," Clarke countered and he laughed.

"Yeah, okay, what do you do in your spare time aside from geek out at art museums?"

"I...I paint."

"You paint? You're an artist? Why didn't I know that?"

"All the charcoal smudges on my papers last year didn't give it away?"

"I didn't... I noticed it, of course. I was mostly just glad it wasn't a white powder."

"The only drugs I do are accidental and Jasper's doing."

Bellamy smirked. "O says the same thing."

"He's a menace," Clarke smiled.

The dinner was good and they talked about a lot and when the check came, Bellamy insisted on paying. She paid for the tour so he should buy dinner. Clarke couldn't exactly say no since she's not talking to Abby and getting no financial support there. She's almost out of grocery money.

"Thank you," she said again when they stepped out on the street and she stepped towards her apartment.

"It's almost as though you enjoyed it," Bellamy smirked and Clarke bit her lip.

"I did. You're not the guy Octavia claimed you were."

"Thank god for that. Seriously though, she's not the only one that wished I was just a brother growing up. I lost a childhood and she... she thought her father was seven years older than her for a long time. The truth tore her apart."

"This Octavia, the one you know now, the one that lost Lincoln to her own rage and could probably tear down a whole building with her anger, she's not the girl I raised. She's not the girl I knew."

"Hey, she's... Lincoln came back."

"Yeah, he did, but for how long? When will this Octavia turn into the bloodthirsty monster she was last year again?"

"You shouldn't... you can't blame yourself for that, Bellamy. She inherently is a good person because of you, you taught her everything she values in the world and she might go off the deep end again, but it won't be because of you or how you raised her. It might just be her, what her brain tells her she needs, something chemical that was there all along and just rose to the surface. Whatever it is, it's not you."

Bellamy just looked at her. His eyes never leaving hers and for the first time in Clarke's life she felt like someone was actually seeing her. "I should get you home," he said after she shivered, having goosebumps erupt across her skin. It's later than she expected to be out and though it's July, the nights get cold.

"I'm good to walk. Thank you though. And thanks for dinner."

"Of course. I'm still walking you home."

"Mm, do I call this chivalry or over-protective big brother?" She teased leading him in the direction of her apartment.

"A mix of both, but I'm definitely not your brother."

"Good, I would have killed you by now."

"Oh, yeah?"

Clarke shrugged, "Maybe you would have killed me, I snuck out all the time. I was bad."

"I could never kill you, Princess." She looked over her shoulder at him and that's when she saw it, the sparkle in his eye just before he spun her around, pulling him flush against him.

She swallowed as she looked up at him, compelled to lookin his eyes forever. God, she would do anything to do just that, all the different lightings they've gone through today has changed his eye color and though her favorite was the honeypot in the sun but the darkness in them at that moment was something to be reckoned with. "I've wanted to do this for a year," he admitted, licking his lips.

"Then do it," she challenged and Bellamy pulled her impossibly closer before his lips touched hers. It was sweet and nothing she'd ever expected, the perfect pressure, the soft demand, the unavoidable want that he willingly exposed for the first time she's known him, it was overwhelming and Clarke never wanted to give it up.

"Um," she gasped as she pulled away, licking her lips, tasting him all over again.

He pulled away and looked at her before stepping away completely. "Good night, Clarke."

"Bell..." she took his hand and placed it over her racing heart. "This has never happened before. Just you."

Bellamy nodded, cupping her jaw and kissed her again. Slow, languid. His tongue sliding across her bottom lip before he pulled back again. "I'll call you," he promised, placing her hand over his heart to feel his racing heart too. "Now, get inside so I can stop worrying."

Clarke smiled with a breathy laugh slipping through. She climbed the three steps up to the door of her building and stepped inside.

Bellamy Blake, who knew...


	29. Do You Need Help with Anything?

There was a time when Clarke called Raven crazy for suggesting starting a TV show with her interior design company. The prideful Latina was her go to metalworker, a mechanic by day, welder and furniture builder by night. Clarke was initially against it mostly because of Abigail Griffin, disapproving and distant mother, but over time she came to realize that it wouldn't be the worst thing she's ever done. HGTV eagerly signed her on, liking that she was in Chicago, though it meant losing six months of production due to the freezing temperatures from October to March, Clarke reminded them that she's an _interior_ designer and works inside year round.

They let her pick her team, which didn't change from her regular employees with Monty Green coming in as her cameraman, only agreeing to have Jasper around if he took his antidepressants. She knew the two from college and Clarke couldn't be distracted by Jasper or his antics.

Season one was a hit, she wasn't a household name but Raven quit working at Sinclair's to focus on her metalwork because people wanted her designs just from watching the show. Season two was bigger, having Clarke bite off more than she could chew, doing two renovations at a time, splitting her crew in half and having her hire more guys, maximizing on the summer heat, the fall was a little too rough for the studio's liking with her chapped red cheeks and giant puffy down jacket. Season three Lincoln quit, he never wanted to stay in Chicago and Clarke knew that since she met him in an art class in college, she just wished that he stuck through until the end of the season so she could find the perfect replacement for him instead of acquiring Murphy through Raven. Murphy caused a big stir in the fandom she didn't know she had, people "shipped" her with Lincoln, calling them Clincoln… what? (How could she forget Princess Mechanic? Her favorite.) Keeping her love life off screen was getting more and more difficult at that point too and Lexa had hated being in the spotlight during the alderman elections (which she'd won!) that any more publicity was out of the question so Clarke's growing nationwide popularity was the cause of their break up at the end of season three, causing Clarke to want to change how they find their clients for season four.

She already had a partnership with Menards for all of her supplies and expanding it to add in finding clients in-store instead of being picked randomly by producers in LA was much more fun.

And it was how she found him on the third episode they're recording.

She tended to spend her Sundays walking up and down the aisles aimlessly looking for someone to talk to. Usually finding them buying appliances or new floors, but he was standing in the middle of the hardware aisle comparing two different kinds of screws. His hair disheveled and oversized white t-shirt rumpled as though he rolled out of bed and into the store. His red basketball shorts were either too small or he's bulky, making her wish his shirt was tighter so she could properly tell.

"Hey," she said softly, forgetting that Monty was right behind her. "Do you need help with anything?"

He looked at her, slightly hopeful, then at Monty and grimaced. "You don't work here."

"Astute. Doesn't mean I can't help."

He looked like he was debating whether to tell her or brush her off, she's cool either way, the cameras tend to freak people out, it's nothing personal. "My sister kicked my door down last night, I need to put it back up."

"Homeowner?"

"Yeah?"

This was the part she was never good at… talking them into "hiring" her. "How would you feel about me coming over and not only fixing your door but also remodeling the main living space?"

"Assuming my living space isn't inadequate." His eyes darted to Monty before going back to her. "I wouldn't care for it."

"Bellamy," Monty said and Clarke jolted. He barely ever talks while they're rolling and always on the off chance he's actually on screen. "Echo and Octavia have complained about your place forever. If not for you, then for them."

"You know, Green, the moment I saw you, I knew O set this up."

Monty shrugged, "I may have told her when we'd be here. I didn't think she'd go as extreme as breaking your door down."

Bellamy laughed, "You know O, go big or go home."

"Yeah, okay. Bellamy Blake, meet Clarke Griffin. Clarke, this is Bellamy. He's put up with Jasper and I since we were in kindergarten with his little sister, Octavia."

"Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. I've known them for eight years and I've fired Jasper three times. You've got to be a saint. Twenty years… damn."

Bellamy laughed. God, it's a fucking great laugh. "Yeah, I have a whole notebook of ways I've thought about killing him."

"And disposing the body?"

"Of course! I'm not an amateur. So we're doing this? How do we do this?"

"We typically follow you home, but I need coffee and Monty knows where you live so we can just meet you there. There's some paperwork to sign first but aside from that and getting as much dirt on Jasper, I redesign your house."

"I meant being on camera…"

"Right, you're doing great so far. We'll see you later."

Bellamy nodded, "Yeah, okay. Nice meeting you, Clarke."

Clarke smiled, "You too, Bellamy."

In the car, Clarke noticed Monty's silence immediately, he usually talked with her about the people's vibes, he's good like that, helping her talk out a good concept for the people based solely on their first encounter, having a GoPro on the dash so they can add it in if the episode is needing something more, but his silence was nearly deafening. "What?"

"You like him."

"What?" she grimaced, not where she thought he was going with it. "No. He—"

"You've shut down every single guy that I've pointed out and everyone that's come up to you since Lexa broke up with you, but then you just walk up to the first single guy we've seen and you're telling me you don't like him?"

"He's not single, _you_ pointed that little fact out."

"Echo's not going to last this episode. They have a _lot_ of editing to do to get rid of all that flirting I just filmed."

Clarke rolled her eyes as she pulled the car into the Starbucks drive-thru. "Are you getting anything?"

"You're going to fall so damn hard. This is either going to be tragic or epic." Monty's way of saying no.

* * *

Monty wasn't wrong exactly, but he wasn't right either. A person's home says a lot about them and Clarke didn't like walking in and telling them the right and wrong ways to decorate their home. Everyone's style is different, like all the homes she's done, no two are the same.

Walking into Bellamy's home, Clarke's first note was "sparse" until she rounded the corner into the living room and the entire wall was full of Greco-Roman history books. Homer, Euripides, Aristotle, Aristophanes, and Sophocles, he's a history buff and Clarke's heart skipped a beat. He takes her and Monty around the space and he kept glancing at Monty for comments that, to her dismay, never came. She wanted to know his input, she wanted to know what Octavia and Echo disliked since it's obvious that all his friends hang out there.

She sat next to him at the bar in the backyard that _Murphy_ , her Murphy, helped him build last summer after the tour and Monty placed the camera on top of the grill for the steadiness so Clarke could have the usual talk with the homeowner.

"So what do you want from this?"

"Is it bad that I don't know? That I'm doing this because my sister and your cameraman set this up?"

"I think it means that they care immensely about you and that they feel you're not living to your full potential."

"Having my house looking like it came straight out of _Better Home and Garden_ is living to my full potential?"

"Are you saying that I'm cookie-cutter?"

"I haven't actually watched your show so I can't say that."

"I'm fully offended and your homework is to go watch my show to see how this works because you're helping and Murphy is not on your project." Bellamy's face fell and Clarke suppresses a grimace. "I get that he's your friend, but I have his team on another project right now. I'm not saying you can't see him at all during this whole thing but maybe make it a surprise for him?"

"You do _know_ Murphy, right? He'll tear it to pieces on principle of not being a part of it."

"You're right. We should FaceTime him and let him know what's what," Clarke agreed after thinking about Murphy's reaction to her knowing Raven, who's leg he ran over in the school parking lot during driver's ed. Making her suppress the thought that she could have known Bellamy for years now and that seems like a waste of her time, not knowing this hot nerd who makes ancient Greek references seem normal. They roll of his tongue and Clarke caught Monty winking at her when she looked to him questioningly.

Pulling out his phone Bellamy FaceTimed Murphy who was on the job, Jasper's camera right over his shoulder when he finally answered. "Hey, man I'm working with this annoying asshole, what's going on?"

"That show you're on…"

"Barely," Murphy grumbled, wiping his forehead. "Yeah? Wait, is that a camera behind you?"

"Yeah, it's Monty's."

"Monty's with Clarke finding…" Murphy's face lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. "Oh, my God! How did this happen?"

Clarke pushes into Bellamy's shoulder to be in frame and Murphy couldn't stop smiling which was weird, the dude only smiled when they got new equipment, or when he went with Clarke to Raven's shop and she let him weld, always complaining about having to redo it all but Raven and Murphy's relationship was interesting, to begin with, so Clarke just let them be without question.

"Hey, Cockroach," she smiled fondly at him.

"So this is happening and I'm not going to be a part of it?"

"You can come once a week and make critical statements about the construction but not the design."

"I know better than to slap the hand that pays me."

"Cool," Clarke smiled. No one's called Murphy dumb without reason. "Hey, Jasper, are you freaking out behind that camera?"

The camera nodded and Clarke and Bellamy laughed.

"All right, guys, jeez! You know I have a house to design, why are you bombarding me and my precious time?!" Clarke glowered before laughing at her own ridiculousness.

Bellamy hung up the phone and turned to her. "That's the least I've ever heard Jasper talk. What the hell?"

"He's contractually obligated to say absolutely nothing while the camera's rolling."

"That's an amazing idea! Can my weekly hangouts be filmed to continue this trend?"

"You've been on camera for ten minutes, you don't know what you're getting yourself into with that request," Clarke cringed before smirking.

"You're right, we can postpone this conversation until my house has been sufficiently ruined."

"I will not ruin your home! Besides you can say no to whatever you don't like on the rough sketch."

"Yeah?"

"Of course. Though what I have in my head right now is amazing, it may or may not include a time-out corner for Jasper."

Bellamy laughed and Clarke got more and more ideas for his home as they talked. Monty came back after a while and told Clarke they had to go check on the other renovation so they left and Clarke went back to Bellamy's two days later to show him her design for his space, also seeing how packing was going, Nyko's crew was going to start the next day and nothing of importance could be left behind.

Bellamy liked the design and Nyko and his team came in and tore everything down, they're fixing the layout and making everything twice as functional than before. Nyko was teaching Bellamy something while Clarke was making sure the shelves she bought for the kitchen were the right color, Bellamy doesn't need more black in his life so instead of the usual black painted industrial steel, she choose the actual color of steel and the company was giving her a hard time because it comes in black, not gunmetal steel, and God forbid they don't paint it black, right? Thank God it was unpainted and she had Bellamy putting them up when there was a huge ruckus and Clarke grimaced, leaving Bellamy and walked into the soon-to-be-living room and found Lincoln standing in the doorway with his signature short Mohawk and Clarke sighed.

She ran and jumped at him, wrapping her arms around him and he laughed as his arms snaked around her too. "You haven't changed a bit, COD."

"Still with that? No one died! Why are you back? How long are you here for?"

Lincoln pulled back and smiled. "I have something's to take care of but I knew you'd be livid if I never stopped by. Don't worry, I cleared it with the studio. Who's the guy that looks really jealous right now?"

"Bellamy and he has a girlfriend."

"Well, maybe you should introduce me to Bellamy with a girlfriend."

Clarke nodded and led Lincoln to the almost-kitchen. "Bellamy, this is my old contractor, Lincoln who ditched me for Bali. Lincoln, this is Bellamy, the homeowner."

They size each other up and Clarke rolled her eyes, taking over for Bellamy before they nodded and brought their focus back to Clarke on the counter.

"You putting me to work, boss?" Lincoln asked and Clarke pointed at him with the screw gun.

"Clincoln is dead, Lincoln. I swear if I hear about it again because I let you stay, I'm going to tell the world that I was with Lexa before and after you came into my life. And if that line isn't cut out there will be no season five."

"And are you going to share with the class that you're bisexual, or just leave it with people thinking the wrong thing."

"Penis and facial hair, vagina and breasts; I love them all equally. No preference." If her eyes happened to look over at Bellamy while saying facial hair, that's her business.

When they finished for the day, Bellamy invited her and Lincoln to a party that Murphy's on and off again girlfriend was hosting. Clarke really didn't want to go but Bellamy said that Murphy, Raven, Monty, and Jasper were already going so it wasn't as though she didn't have anyone to talk to so she didn't have an excuse.

She went home and changed, Lincoln said he'd pick her up in thirty so he could shower too, his hotel was close to her house so it was a quick change, though Clarke had plaster in her hair, she didn't know how so she showered and braided her hair off her face and to the side. She's thought of cutting it many times but was afraid a bob wouldn't look good on her, but she's almost at the point where cutting it would be the best thing she's ever done for herself.

"You're looking good, COD," Lincoln said when she stepped off the porch to his rental car.

"That's still not funny," she grumbled climbing into the sedan.

"He didn't say anything about food, want to grab something before we get there?"

They stopped at Chick-fil-A and grabbed chicken sandwiches before parking in front of the address Monty texted her. The house looked dead, but then again the last party Clarke went to was in college and they were three hundred drunken idiots sloshing around. This definitely wasn't that.

Lincoln knocked on the door and a minute later a girl with a face tattoo answered the door. "Can I help you?"

"Uh, Bellamy invited us. Murphy too, actually."

"Bellamy? Huh," she grimaced. "Yeah, okay, come in. I'm Emori, sometimes I'm with John, like now. We're all out back."

"I'm Clarke, and this is Lincoln."

"I know, I'm just surprised that you know Bellamy, he's not exactly the friend-making type."

Clarke laughed, walking through the house behind Emori with Lincoln at her side, Emori offered them beer, only having Lagunitas because she worked there. Clarke preferred Arkers but Lagunitas was decent enough. They walked through the back door and everyone stopped and turned to them.

"Wow, it's like a celebrity walked in or something," she joked and they laughed. Bellamy pulled away from a gorgeous brunette's grasp and came over to them.

"You made it," he smiled. "I hope Emori wasn't too rude, it's something she's supposed to be working on, but I don't think she is."

Emori punched him in the arm. "Screw you, asshole. Whatever it is you're doing at your house that's making everyone come here instead, it better be over by next week."

"Two more weeks. Why can't Monty and Jasper host?"

"I forget you've never been to their apartment. Keep it that way," Emori grimaced and Clarke nodded in agreement.

"It's the worst. So disgusting. I won't touch it with a ten-foot pole."

Bellamy laughed before leading them over to the group, Octavia, Miller, Echo, Emori, and Harper were the only ones Clarke didn't know. They all seemed cool, Octavia and Lincoln hit it off immediately and Clarke could see them together for a long time, it was weird, thinking that someone from her world could change the life of one of her clients. She heard Octavia asking more and more questions about Bali and Clarke tried to not think about Lincoln taking Octavia away from Bellamy, from what she's gathered in the two weeks she's Bellamy's world. Yeah, he's with Echo and has a bunch of friends that are a lot like family, but Octavia was his sister, who he raised, and if Lincoln took her to Bali, Clarke doesn't know if she could handle the guilt that would bring her.

"You okay?" Bellamy asked when Clarke went inside to grab more chocolate and graham crackers for s'mores, he was grabbing more beer.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, you seem anxious and worried."

"I think… I know Lincoln and the way he's acting with your sister, I don't want you to wind up hating me if he takes her back to Bali with him."

"I don't think hating you would be appropriate? I knew he was visiting from Bali and I know she's dying to go there, so if anyone's to blame, it's me."

"Yeah, but I brought him into your life."

"No, he surprised you."

"How are you okay with this? I remember you telling me about Octavia's past and how you were insanely protective…"

Bellamy sighed, "I'm trying. It's difficult because I don't trust easily, she was an accident and my mom threw the responsibility at me. I am trying to let her be her own person, don't push it. Besides, you were friends with him for years, right? You'd tell me if he was bad for her."

"He's really great, actually. The best."

"And he's doing well in Bali?"

"As far as I know, yeah. He's a Buddhist, so he won't hurt a soul."

Bellamy nodded, "So, you're saying that if Lincoln takes Octavia to Bali, she's not going to get hurt? That I should be more worried about her hurting him?"

"I mean, she's incredibly intimidating. She doesn't like Echo one bit and hasn't stopped glaring at the three of us since I got here."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I don't think she knows what to do with me. It'd get out that I spend time outside the show with my clients and I haven't so if she follows my show closely or has asked Monty about me, this is probably confusing for her."

"Huh? You've never been seen with a client without a camera around at all?"

"Nope. Professional distance, which we don't have because half the people here we both know."

Bellamy nodded, "So, what do you think of Echo?"

"I don't know. I haven't talked to her, but she seems… distant."

"With everyone but me, she talks to Raven a little. I don't know—"

"It's not up to me. It's your life," Clarke swallowed.

Bellamy grimaced, thinking it over. "Right, yeah. Sorry, we should get back out there. They're probably wondering what's taking us so long."

The next week involved Bellamy flirting with her a little more openly and she didn't hear anything from Lincoln, who's still around and seeing Octavia, about him breaking up with Echo so she felt very at odds with Bellamy's actions. Raven didn't say anything when Clarke went to pick up the countertop-sink combination she built for them, it wasn't the most ornate piece she's made for Clarke and was definitely a job for someone with intermediate welding experience, but it's for Bellamy and there was a design on the edge that Clarke knew would be best handled by Raven.

The last week was the finishing touches week where Bellamy couldn't be around. Clarke had begged Lincoln to give up a week with Octavia to have her distract him from it all. After three weeks with Bellamy, Clarke felt like she's known him for years, he's a chronic worrier, it's his default setting and though it's usually about Octavia and Jasper and Murphy, she knew for a fact that being away from home and giving her free reign of his space for a week was something he was definitely going to worry about. So Clarke sent Octavia off with a bottle (or two) of scotch and some of Jasper's brownies.

Everything came together smoothly, even with Bellamy calling three times a day. Octavia said its progress from when she went to college and he called her after every class ended, her three-hour courses were practical torture for him. Clarke took his video calls from the upstairs bathroom, making sure he didn't see anything downstairs, and if she smelled his aftershave after the calls, so be it, she really liked how he smelled.

The last week flew by and all of a sudden it was reveal day. Clarke took one last look around Bellamy's home and she straightened some things, a little more nervous than usual because Bellamy said that she's definitely invited to her house every Saturday with everyone else so it's not just his place anymore, it's the place she'll be spending time after a long week working on people's homes.

"Hey, Octavia," Clarke smiled answering the phone, putting it on speaker for Monty.

"Hey, Bellamy's going absolutely insane without his phone. We're ten minutes away and he's trying to steal my phone to call you himself because he's impatient."

"Am not!" Clarke vaguely heard Bellamy say and she swore he was pouting.

"Hey, Bell," Clarke said softly. "It's just ten minutes. It's worth the wait."

"Promise?"

"I wouldn't lie to you."

"You promise I'm going to like it?"

"Yeah, if not, I'll put it all back and Octavia and Echo will be beyond annoyed with the both of us."

"Of course, O will be annoyed, I apparently have no sense of style."

"Zero!" Octavia exclaimed and Clarke laughed.

"I'll see you two in eight minutes, okay?"

"Mmm," Bellamy groaned and Clarke took that as a reluctant agreement before she hung up and looked at Monty who was smirking at her.

"What?"

"You called him Bell, he doesn't let anyone but Octavia call him Bell. It's different."

"Good different or bad?"

"Probably good, but it depends on what's going on with Echo. Raven hasn't heard from her in a while."

"Raven's been caught up with the Shaw project."

"And Shaw himself," Monty added smugly.

"What?" Clarke smiled from ear to ear, proud of Raven for finally letting someone in after Finn and Wick.

"Mm-hmm."

"Huh, I saw it coming but that was also kind of fast considering what happened with Wick."

Monty shrugged and Clarke went back to touching up the house until she heard a car horn honk and Monty followed her outside to find Bellamy and Octavia stepping out of the show's Tahoe.

"Hey," Octavia smiled making Clarke think she's more excited about this than Bellamy.

"Hi, Octavia, right?" Clarke asked pointing to the camera to make it seem like they were just meeting.

"Yeah, Sorry. I'm super excited. Bell, come on!" she grabbed her brother's hand pulling him towards the house and he looked reluctant.

"What did I promise you?" Clarke asked him as they stepped up onto the porch.

"That you'll change it all back if I hate it," he said softly and Clarke smiled at him.

"There you go, nothing to be nervous about."

"I'm sorry. Monty, can I talk to Clarke for a minute, please. I just…"

Monty smiled and shut off the camera and Clarke followed Bellamy down the driveway.

"What's up?"

"I—I broke up with Echo before O and I left."

"Oh, okay."

"I… am I allowed to ask you out? Was there something against that in the contract?"

"No."

"Oh, okay," he grimaced, looking to the ground and stepping back. "I—"

"It's not in the contract."

Bellamy looked back at her and she sensed hope in his eyes. "It's not."

"No. Don't do it now though. Go see your house first and then ask me when it's all done."

Bellamy nodded and Clarke cursed herself for forgetting that she's wired and so is he and someone in editing is going to have a field day listening to this.

It's a good pull for the rest of the season and season five, finding out that she and Bellamy are in a relationship but she's also not the D-list celebrity that posts on Instagram and Twitter every day to keep people involved in her life. She has teasers lined up for when the episodes air but they're all scheduled and interconnected so it's minimal effort and mostly handled by her assistant, who's always running errands for her when she's filming. That was a perk to the show, having an assistant running all her errands that keep her life on track while she's busy helping people beautify their lives.

She doesn't want to use Bellamy to get ratings either, she wouldn't do that, it was just how the studio would look at it.

"Ready?" Clarke asked Bellamy once Monty called action and they were back on the porch.

"Yeah," he smiled popping the door open. Jasper was inside waiting for Bellamy's initial reaction and Clarke was glad that they were friends with Bellamy, she's used to seeing the people a little on edge around the cameramen and being on camera in general, thinking they have to act a certain way but they're human and should just be themselves. Bellamy was relaxed and maybe it was at the sight of his friends or maybe he's grown accustomed to the concept of being on camera or he didn't care or he's thinking long-term, being with her means being in the spotlight for however many years. She's in the gossip magazines once a month about stuff that's usually a lie.

She's getting too worked up over a hypothetical, they could be shit together and her hype for it would all be for naught.

"Wow!" Bellamy smiled, pulling Clarke out of her doubt spiral.

"You like it?"

"I love it! O, come on, what do you think?"

"I think I should have set this up sooner."

Clarke rolled her eyes, she's glad that they did have it said from the beginning that this was his sister and Monty's doing so her saying it is fine, it might backfire on her if people find out she's seeing Bellamy… will be.

Bellamy was in awe and Octavia was giving herself credit on everything, making Clarke laugh. Thanking her in the end, Bellamy hugged her and Clarke made sure it stayed professional and then Monty called cut finally and Octavia went to call everyone to get their asses over to Bellamy's house while Monty and Jasper were packing up and Clarke turned to Bellamy after making sure their mics were off and smiled at him.

"You really like it?" She asked nervously, leaning back against the counter.

"I love this, Clarke, everything. You got this all done in a month and it's very me." He stepped into her and reached up, grabbing two wine glasses from the shelf behind her. "This place would never have looked so put together if it wasn't for you."

"I think you would have gotten there, maybe when a girlfriend moved in or something."

Grabbing a bottle of wine from the rack and looked at it for a moment before Bellamy popped the cork. "Speaking of girlfriends… how about that dinner?"

"Wow, Blake. Here I was thinking you're a romantic."

"Typically, not when I'm nervous."

Clarke smirked, looking up at him. "Nervous, huh?"

"Yeah, you're kind of intimidating."

Clarke scoffed, her hand sliding up his chest, landing at his collar. She tugged him closer and his hands landed on the counter on either side of her hips.

"This is a gorgeous countertop, Raven did a really good job."

"You really want to be thinking about her right now?" Her lips grazed his with her words and he shook his head.

Clarke closed the distance and Bellamy took a moment before kissing her back. God, he's adorable.

She didn't stop when she felt a camera on her, instead wrapped her arms around Bellamy's neck. His hands gripped her waist and Clarke whimpered.

"So that's a yes?" Bellamy asked, looking her straight in the eyes once he pulled away.

"That's a hell yes," Clarke smiled, pressing her lips to his again.


	30. We Don't Have Much Time

/works/15485505/chapters/38184620


	31. Chapter 30

I'm exhausted with this website.

AO3 (archive of our own) makes it so much easier to post and connect to other fans, and I really get to show who I am over there more linearly and cohesively that I've gotten complaints about on here. So if you want to read more from me; /users/jbsullivan17/pseuds/jbsullivan17

Chapter 29: We Don't Have Much Time  
/works/15485505/chapters/38184620

Chapter 30: You Almost Drove Us Off the Road  
/works/15485505/chapters/38208902

There's always more coming! Go to AO3 for more of me and a hell of a lot more of Bellarke in general.

Also, I just checked, and ffn is so petty it's blocked the links so copy those partials above and type out **archive of our own . org** obviously without the spaces and paste the rest of the links. Please join me there. You get the links to my twitter and Tumblr, where I'm always available to talk about anything... almost anything, cartoons, and anime aren't my thing.


	32. I'm Going to Take Care of You, Okay?

Bellamy looked over at Clarke from the driver's seat. He'll never know what she's going through. He'll never be able to take this pain away from her. It's not like he wasn't feeling it too, but someone needed to be strong. Someone needed to get them home and put her in sweats and hold her.

He also knew he couldn't be the one to break first, that he didn't have the right to break down and cry. It's not his body that betrayed him. It's not his body going through such a monumental change; he doesn't have the right to feel empty and heartbroken.

Even though it was his baby too.

Bellamy's eyes darted between Clarke and the road ahead. Her hands on her stomach like always in the car or when they're sitting. She loved their daughter so much, always touching her, always holding her and talking to her. Playing Mozart and Bach, reading Jane Eyre and Greek mythology whenever he brought groceries over to her apartment. Watching her fingers stroke over their child wasn't the same, it was tainted with the news. It was tainted with the knowledge that they won't have a baby coming home with them in three months. It's tainted with their dead child still growing and taking Clarke's nutrients as though it were still alive, still had a heartbeat. That her hand felt it moving inside her as though it was still alive.

The guilt was the worst part. The baby was an accident, the baby shouldn't have happened in the first place, and he didn't want it when she told him. Wasn't ready to be a father, he'd just gotten O out of his hair for the first time in his adult life he could focus on himself and what was best for him, something he never thought he'd be allowed. Of course, he doesn't because two months after his hookup with Clarke, she tracked him down to tell him she's pregnant. He didn't have time to think about himself, and that might be the worst part of it. The need to know who he was and never getting that. Blaming Clarke and the baby for him not having the time to become a three-dimensional person. He was Bellamy Blake, protective older brother, it's in his DNA, but he doesn't know who he is without caring for someone else. First Octavia, then the baby and Clarke, now he has to worry about Clarke not beating herself up over this. It's not her fault, its nobody's fault.

His mind shifted to that night. The night their daughter was conceived. He grimaced thinking about it, how Clarke was so malleable and willing under his touch. How everything somehow brought her euphoric bliss. How right it felt thrusting in and out of her. How if he knew all the pain that night would have cause he wouldn't have let it happen at all.

Though he said the complete opposite when he first saw the ultrasound and heard their daughter's heartbeat. Faster than Clarke's what movies and TV didn't prepare him for was both heartbeats, Clarke's and their daughter's. He was confused, and the technician set him straight, the ultrasound picks up both heartbeats, the mother's slow and steady and the baby's fast and erratic.

Caring for Clarke somehow became second nature, his mind sometimes forgot in the middle of a shift that he was about to be a father and when he called her about dinner or her plans, it was all about her, getting to know her and falling for her. He was falling for her and even if she didn't feel the same, they were having a child together. He was good with being her baby daddy as long as it meant being in both of their lives.

He pulled the car into her driveway and turned the car off. Getting out of the car, he saw her climbing out the passenger side and walked up to her house herself, not waiting for him to open the door like he always did.

"Clarke—" he said when he stopped on the porch behind her as she put her key in the lock.

"Go home, Bellamy."

"No, I'm not leaving you alone like this."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. Neither am I. We shouldn't be alone right now."

"You didn't want her when I told you. You didn't want any of this so why are you so concerned now?" Clarke spat, and Bellamy nearly recoiled. She hadn't yelled at him like that in months.

"Yell at me all you want, but I'm not leaving. Not when you're like this."

Clarke turned back to the door and unlocked it. Bellamy watched her step inside, and she didn't close the door before she headed upstairs. He took that as a sign for him to follow.

He didn't go into her room, instead choosing the third bedroom, the one that wasn't the baby's nursery and began making the bed and tidying up the rest of the house. After a few hours and he had dinner made, he began worrying about Clarke, more than he already was. He went back upstairs and knocked on her door, not getting an answer, so he opened the door slowly and peeked in. She wasn't in there. He knocked on the bathroom door next, and she didn't say anything, so he pushed that door open too, finding her lying in the bathtub full of water, her eyes on her stomach as tears streamed down her cheeks and her fingers stroked over her soft stretch marks.

"Clarke…" he choked. Seeing her naked wasn't a thing between them anymore. She was horny the first few months, and though she hated him because he didn't want the baby at first, sex was a part of their mending. Probably very unhealthy but that's how they worked, how they found common ground.

"This isn't real," she breathed, and Bellamy sighed, tears pricking the corners of his eyes as he dropped to his knees next to the tub. "This can't be real. We—who are we without her?"

"I don't know, but you're not in this alone. Okay? I'm here."

"I don't want you here. I can't have you remind me of what I lost every time I look at you."

Bellamy sighed, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I get that, I do, but we need to lean on each other through this."

She didn't say anything, just ran her hands over her stomach again and again. Bellamy knelt next to her for a few minutes waiting for her to realize her fingers and toes were pruned, and she should get out, it's not good for the…

Fuck.

Bellamy sighed. "You should eat something."

"I eat something, she eats something. It's wasteful," she sounded hollow like her life was over because their baby never made it. Like they couldn't do it again. They could do it again.

Fuck sounding hopeful right now though.

"Okay, then you should go to bed."

"You should go home."

"Clarke, I am not leaving you like this. I'm going to take care of you, okay?"

Clarke turned her head, making eye contact for the first time in the hours since getting the news. She cried into his shoulder for a good hour when they found out, and the drive home was tough and then being in her home was… Bellamy had to keep himself busy to not break down himself and Clarke pushing him away wasn't what he needed. "Why do you care so much about me? We're nothing."

"You're the mother of my child; you're always going to be something."

"Our child is dead. She doesn't exist anymore and I can't…" her fingers latched onto the edge of the tub and Bellamy leaned back, grabbing the towel to pass her if she decided to get out. "I didn't want her either. Not when I found out. Not when I told you. I think it turned into spite when you reacted how you did. You were horrified that I tracked you down to tell you."

"Yeah, because you're a rich princess that could take care of it yourself. I was a barista and bartender, barely making even. I was an ass that was afraid of becoming my stepfather."

Clarke's brows knit together and she glared hard at Bellamy. "That's not you. That will never be you; you care so damn much. That doesn't even make sense."

He smiled softly before taking her hand and helping her out of the bathtub, encasing her in her oversized towel. He may care, but no one ever said his stepfather didn't care until he left.

The next months were hell. The baby was removed, and Clarke didn't speak for nearly two weeks and then she snapped at everyone. Bellamy had never cried so much in his life, from Clarke's venomous words, over what they should have had. She also kissed him soft and sweet, demanding and wanton; confusing. He didn't know if she wanted him to stay or go and maybe that was a part of why he never brought that conversation up, he was afraid that his love for her wasn't reciprocated. He was afraid that she wouldn't love him back if he told her how he's talked for her over the year they've known each other.

He was sitting on the couch, looking over the new lease agreement for the apartment when he heard the door close, and he knew that there was a conversation to be had. A better deal, maybe where he should be permanently, what she wants to be more specific. It's been six months, and they haven't talked about anything other than work and their now mutual friends, Clarke's mom, and Bellamy's sister.

So Bellamy thought that that's what was going to happen when she found him making notes on her new lease, he didn't expect her to throw the folder onto the coffee table, climb into his lap and mold her lips to his in a way that totally made him lose his mind.

"I want a baby," she said against his lips, her hips rocking over Bellamy's quickly hardening cock.

"Clarke," he said, pulling back but she wouldn't let that happen.

"I want your baby," she kissed him again, and Bellamy sighed, pulling her back against him for a kiss.

"God, that's… insanely hot. And primal. We need to talk first."

"You don't want to fuck?"

"No, of course, I do. All the time, you're all I want, babe, but I'm not going through what I had to last time. I'm not fighting you over custody agreements and schedules because we're going to be living together."

"Bellamy—"

"I'm in love with you. If you're not on the same page, if you just want my sperm, I can't do that for you, I can't break my heart again for you."

Clarke didn't say anything, and Bellamy grimaced, before looking up at her, not being able to stop his thumbs from stroking the soft skin of her hips.

"I'm in love with you, Bell. I'm also scared that it's not enough."

"Me, too. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try."

"You want this?"

Bellamy laughed, "Maybe you should have asked that before jumping into my lap stating you want to have my baby."

Clarke grimaced and started climbing off Bellamy's lap when he stopped her.

"I didn't say I didn't want it, just that you did this out of order. I want this, Clarke. I just want you to be certain that this isn't a part of your grieving."

"I've been going to a therapist about it, and he helped me realize that I don't just want your baby because we have optimal genetic compatibility but because I'm in love with you."

"'Optimal genetic compatibility?'"

"Sounds worse now that I've said it aloud. I love you, Bellamy. I love that you didn't let me push you away when we lost the baby. That you gave me space even when you wanted to hold me. You put me first and I—I want to do that for you. I don't know how yet, but I want to let you in to get to know you and figure out what you need."

"Now you're making me sound like a puzzle."

"I got how to get you off in a week, but I want to know everything. A long day after work, do you need time to decompress, a nice stiff drink, an hour at the gym, or a hot shower. Maybe me in the hot shower."

"Depends on the day," he smirked, his hands sliding up her waist under her shirt. "Tonight, fucking you right here and now sounds perfect."

"As long as we order pho for dinner, I'm good with that."

Bellamy laughed as his fingers unclasped her bra. "Whatever you want, baby."

"Will you move in too?"

"Whatever you want."

Clarke leaned down and kissed Bellamy again palming her breasts that were the best he's ever seen.

A year later, Bellamy rolled Clarke and their son, Lucas, out of the hospital and helped them into their car. He has never been happier in his life, and he has never seen Clarke so happy, even if her eyes did have a little sadness. They could have had this eighteen months ago, and he knew she was thinking about it, he was too, but everything happens for a reason. They were meant to have Lucas; they were meant to get married in three months, they were meant to be happy again.


	33. I Kissed You and Forgot About It

**Day 1**

I walked into the office a little on edge. I didn't understand why I was there. I didn't know what would cause my mother to send me to a secret rehab facility in the middle of nowhere desert Utah. Not that I'm exactly supposed to know that. I also spent the first three hours here getting lectured on not asking about other residents' reasons to be there. You'd think if I didn't know my own problems, I wouldn't be asking about everyone else's. Then again, maybe that's exactly why I would.

There are five others here. Five others with five different issues, reasons to go to rehab that looks and feels more like an exclusive all-expense retreat in Turks and Caicos instead of a secret rehab in southern Utah. I doubt anyone could afford a stay in Turks and Caicos let alone this place, yet here they are and here I am, standing in front of Dr. Blake, practically drooling over his sharp jawline, childish freckles, dark eyes and hair paired with a suit that definitely wasn't tailored but fits him and his hard muscles perfectly.

"You're hot," I smiled, leaning against the chair he most likely planned on me sitting in. Not likely. If I don't know why I'm here, I'm not going to play the devoted patient craving to get better.

"Ms. Griffin, a pleasure. Please sit."

"I'd rather stand… Doc."

He bit back a smirk before waiting for her to sit. I rolled my eyes, and pushed off the back of the chair; he didn't even check out my cleavage.

"Why the hell am I here?"

"You don't know?"

I grimaced, going back over all the possibilities one more time. "I'm not suicidal; I'm not an addict, I don't have any problems with food. None of this makes sense."

"Well, maybe the people in your life beg to differ."

"Yeah, because my mother is the pillar of health these days with all those pills she denies taking."

"Your stepfather? Best friend…"

"I get it; I have three people who care about me. Three people who are concerned about my wellbeing, but I don't belong here. I'm a fully functioning, quirky graphic designer in downtown LA. Rehab is for my clients, not me."

"There's obviously a reason they want you here."

"Oh, I'm bisexual, is that it? I like vagina and tits just as much as I like dick."

Dr. Blake didn't react as I'd hoped, he didn't choke on his saliva or swallow like people usually do with vulgar language in professional settings, he's used to it. That or he doesn't have a problem with LGBT+.

"Do you have a problem with your preference?"

"It's not exactly a preference, is it?" I scoffed. "More of an openness. I'm open to all sexualities and non-binary genders doesn't mean my mother expects me to marry a man even though I've shown a preference to women my entire life."

"That doesn't mean you won't fall in love with a man or someone non-binary."

"I know, but is love really the goal? It's what's expected, but is it really a necessity?"

"Not a necessity, no. Have you thought about love lately? Settling down with someone?" Dr. Blake asked and it felt like he was hopeful. He had a wedding band on, maybe he was happily married and wished it for everyone else too, even the pessimists.

"Yeah," I said, absentmindedly playing with my left ring finger. A habit I didn't know about. "Not for me."

He nodded. He looked around the room as though he had something to say but shouldn't. Blinking, his gaze landed back on me and his wall was back up. "This was a decent start. Go settle into your cabin and I'll see you at the same time tomorrow."

With a grimace, I nodded before leaving his office to the common room where Echo was glaring at me over her book, some dystopian thriller everyone and their mother had read a year or two ago.

* * *

 **Day 8**

He nodded, blinking before looking to his computer screen. I took my chance to look around his office, more specifically his degrees. PsyD at Wheaton, MD at the University of Chicago, and BA in History at BU.

I scoffed, "History? How the hell did you go from a history degree to an MD at UC?"

Dr. Blake's attention snapped back up to me with a look of confusion mixed with something else, I couldn't place it.

"Tell me about work," he said, his jaw ticking.

"Work?" I sighed, thinking. What am I supposed to say about work that's not a total waste of his time? Then again this whole place is a waste of my time. "It's… work. I don't know what you want me to say, people come to me for web design and commercial specs and the occasional book cover. It's work, just like this is for you."

"This is different. What about school? Tell me about that. The people you studied with, dated, your friends?"

"I—I went to Wheaton too. When… when did you go?"

"Straight out of residency, 2010 to 2014."

"I was… I was there. Did we meet?"

"Who did you date?" he asked firmly. Professionally.

"Finn. That was a disaster, I found out he had a girlfriend he was in a committed relationship with at another college nearby and lied to the both of us about what he was doing when he was with the other one. It turned me off to men."

"How long was that?"

"Two months. September to Thanksgiving."

"After him?"

"Lexa," I smiled. I loved Lexa. "She was… challenging. A total contradiction. She didn't believe in love and yet she and I fell in love. I don't… she was older, I was naïve enough to think we could last but she left me for her ex and grad school in DC. They're married and both had successful IVF babies that could be baby models."

Dr. Blake nodded. "Did you really love her?"

"I gave her two years! Who would do that if they didn't actually love the person?"

His jaw tightened. "Anyone else?"

"Niylah, she… she was more like a casual friend with benefits. We weren't monogamous but when we both needed some and couldn't find anyone at the bar…"

"Got it. Any purely platonic friends?"

"My roommate, she was a pistol. God, an honest to God firecracker. She had these friends from high school, I don't know how they all managed to all get into the same university but they did and it was awesome! We had these themed Saturday nights where we were only allowed to discuss the topic and sometimes it was educational, especially around finals, but sometimes it was silly and fun, like Fifty Shades of Grey, Jurassic Park, Mario franchise. DC and Marvel, though never at the same time. It was fun even though it always started with Octavia complaining about her overbearing big brother wanting to make sure she was safe even though she had dinner at his apartment every Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights. I still don't think she knows how insanely lucky she was to have someone care so much about her."

A pang shot through my head and I gasped at the horrid sensation of a sudden migraine. They only happen when I think back about Octavia and it sucked, partly because I didn't know where she was now but also because the good memories turn sour and deteriorate when not thought about.

"Are you okay?" Dr. Blake asked and I shook my head softly.

"A migraine. Could we end this early? I—it won't go away until I stop thinking about college."

"Does it happen often?"

"Often enough," I shrugged backing up to the door.

"Yes, Ms. Griffin, you're dismissed for the morning. Don't forget group at three."

I nodded and headed out the door and back to my cabin, passing Murphy and Raven in a huddled mass whispering to each other. I shook my head; my first impression was that they're in love, but the more I watch them the more I see Murphy's sorrow and Raven's pain. What are their stories?

I shook the thought out of my head temporarily, exchanging it for my brain's solace in my own cabin with its thin walls and small library of books I've meant to read over the last three years.

* * *

"I can't let other people control my state of mind," Murphy said and Sinclair nodded his approval.

"Other people's opinions and lifestyles rub off onto others and impose a sense of unworthiness, inadequacy. It's not their place to make us happy or sad it's our job to make ourselves the best versions of ourselves and the constant competition with others doesn't aid us or our sense of self-worth. Anyone else want to share? Clarke?"

"I—no," I grimaced. "You know what? This is bullshit. Self-worth? I love myself and it has nothing to do with comparing myself to Kim Kardashian. No amount of Botox and implants, diets and tanning booths are going to make me look like Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez and I don't aspire to be them. I am beautiful how I am and I don't need paparazzi stalking me, fifty thousand Instagram likes and comments to tell me that. I don't need the free products that show up at their doorstep so they can be used as an advertisement for people gullible enough to buy into the fashion and beauty industries version of beautiful and what they claim is important."

"Comparing yourself to a celebrity isn't what we're talking about," Echo said with a hardened glare.

I scoffed, "Says the supermodel with a bad nose job."

The doors burst open and Dr. Blake stood in the doorway. "Ms. Griffin, my office," he said sternly and turned on his heels and headed down the hall without looking to make sure I would follow.

"Clarke, you should go," Sinclair said and the rest of the group watched me.

I stood. "For the record, the perfect celebrity is an epidemic causing young girls all around the world to have body dysmorphia. That nose job is part of the problem."

Walking across the building to Dr. Blake's office, I thought about how harsh my words were and regretted them slightly. People will say much worse than what I did. Hell, people have and if Echo can't handle it, maybe it's why she's here. I'm still an asshole.

"Sit down and don't argue with me on it this time," his growling voice boomed through the room as I opened the door. His back was to me as he looked out over the desert. I closed the door behind me and took a seat in the chair I've felt the most comfortable in the past week. "We do not belittle people and their professions here. I get it, you're frustrated, you don't know why you're here, but don't bring the others down with you. Echo is about to go home and everything you just said could cause her to backslide."

"Then tell me why I'm here. I don't understand!"

"No. With more time you'll figure it out. Why do you insist that you're special and better than everyone else here?"

His words were sharp and jagged, accusatory but with pain attached. It hurt him to say it, but why? How could it hurt him to hurt me? He doesn't know me, does he?

"I…" I had no words, I didn't know what to say or what he wanted to hear and I'm usually so good at reading people, but he's difficult.

"You're cleaning the common room tonight after dinner. Windows, floor, the benches. Every inch of the room needs to be spotless. Got it?"

"Sir, yes sir," I saluted as I stood. When I got to the door, hand on the doorknob, I turned back to him and his eyes lifted to meet mine. "What if I don't figure it out?"

"You will. Good night, Ms. Griffin," he nodded and I grimaced turning the doorknob and left his office. The heavy oak door slamming shut behind me.

I walked outside and sat on a rock next to the pool that I never saw anyone swim in. It was crystal clear and too tempting. Instead, I brought my knees to my chest and closed my eyes until I felt someone next to me. Murphy.

"Believe me, I get where you're coming from with the anger."

I grimaced.

"But it has nothing to do with Echo."

"I wasn't talking about her until she brought herself into it."

"Still wasn't cool."

"What's up with you and Raven?"

Murphy smirked. "We're good friends. She's… we're not supposed to talk about our problems with each other but I'm going to trust you enough to keep quiet. Something happened to me years ago and I didn't think it would compromise my relationship with my current girlfriend until it did. Raven's taught her a lot at work and instead of dumping me over my bullshit, she told me about this place. Told me about Raven being here and how it's helping her. I don't know Raven's reason to be here, she talks about her mom a lot in group, a few exes too, but she seems good now, better I guess. She's going home in three days and I'm gone in ten. It doesn't feel real."

"I don't know why I'm here. Dr. Blake knows why and he won't tell me. He's having me figure it out myself and all the reasons I can think of throwing someone into rehab… I don't have them."

"This place, it's not exactly a rehab, it's for bettering yourself. Adjusting your lifestyle and writing yourself a better path. The path I was on personally and with Emori was toxic, I didn't even know how volatile I was. Sometimes I think telling her she didn't need me anymore was bullshit but other times I think about her and think she's better off, but she loves me and fixing myself… opening myself up to betterment has made me see that love isn't about need, it's about who I want to be next to me through all the hard times, who the first person is I want to tell news to and respect what they want even if it's not me anymore."

"Poetic."

"Maybe, but I'm not wrong. Love is a two way street with respect and loyalty."

"Will you tell me? I promise I won't tell anyone."

"You can't laugh either," he said sternly and I looked him in the eyes and grimaced, there's so much pain in whatever it is that happened.

"I won't."

"It's… taboo. People don't talk about it because they don't think it's real, that it can happen to guys because we're always the initiators, the big bads that take advantage. There's no way in hell that it could go the other way, but it did and I shut down. My job… God, looking back nothing makes complete sense. Let's just say I was in a room with a woman, young, I doubt she was even eighteen and she threatened me. My life and livelihood, said I'd never get a job if I didn't do what she asked and maybe she could have but at the time I was new in the industry and being told that I would be blackballed and never work again was scary.

"As a man, it feels weird saying it, it doesn't feel real sometimes and others it's this all-encompassing mass of anger that I can rarely harness but I've been working on it with Doc." Murphy looked back up at me, making sure I was fully ready for his admission even though I was pretty sure what was going to come out of his mouth. "I was raped."

I licked my lips, the pure anger that raged through my body at the words made me feel human, normal and I felt horrible that this was the first thing I've felt in a long time. How could I feel something so strongly for a stranger? No one should ever go through that, but how could I not feel anything for so long until now? How could I not know how numb I felt all this time?

"I want to kill her."

"She killed her own career. She got what she deserved, and I appreciate your response. I don't tell people bad news because the first thing out of their mouth is 'I'm sorry' and I hate that. There's nothing they can do about it, so there's nothing for them to be sorry about. It sucks that it happened and I'm furious half the time but when I'm not, I'm a functioning human that wants to be happy, that's working on being happy again."

"I get that. I wish I could confide in you what's going on with me but I can't because I don't know and it's frustrating."

"Well, maybe you can tell me why Doc looks at you longingly whenever you're in the same room."

I grimaced, "He doesn't."

"That man looks like he's ready to tear your clothes off at any given moment. You don't exactly have the same exposing outfits as Echo or Raven and he's still ravenous around you."

"Did you use that word on purpose?"

"No but it makes it slightly funnier."

Clarke hummed in agreement.

"Just letting you know, Raven and Shaw… they're likely going to be something once they're out of here. Mutual maternal abuse crutches I think."

"Isn't that frowned upon?"

"Probably," he shrugged before standing to go inside. It's his session with Dr. Blake now. "Anyway, think about what's causing your mental block. Hell, maybe it is a mental block."

Clarke grimaced, her brow knitting together for the first time as she watched Murphy head inside.

A mental block?

Amnesia?

But I remember everything. There's something about Octavia that always gives me a headache when I think about it but other than that I remember everything.

God, this place is annoying.

I stood up fast and headed to my cabin before dinner and my punishment, ignoring Charmaine's calls. A pregnant suicidal Colonel… that's a walking catastrophe.

* * *

The hours after dinner were long and probably had too much excitement. More excitement than the place has probably ever seen before and half of it probably—definitely—shouldn't have happened.

I was handed the mop and bucket of cleaning supplies by Cartwig, told that the kitchen was open for me to use for water and garbage. I didn't learn how to clean growing up so the fact that I knew to start up top and work her way down was a surprise. I didn't question it, though I should've.

What bothered me on my way back from the kitchen was the light coming out from under Dr. Blake's office door and I was about to knock when I heard him speak.

"Hey, baby."

My heart dropped and I grimaced while desperate to hear more.

"How was school?" he laughed softly at the response. "Yeah, I miss you too. How's Grams treating you?"

He has a kid! Dr. Blake has a kid?!

"Yeah, Mommy's getting better. We're trying at least, she's stubborn. Then again, you know that better than I do."

He laughed again and my gut churned. He has a great laugh, a laugh that I want to bring out of him. A laugh I felt in my core.

"You should get to bed, I shouldn't have called so late. I missed you…Yeah, I'm working on bringing Mommy home," the sadness in his voice was clear as day but this child, his child probably didn't know what it was. "Could you put Grams on? I love you, baby…Hey, yeah, I don't think she's going to be home like we planned…No, I—I know. I'm coming home, I just don't know how to break it all down without breaking her…She looks so good it hurts that she—"

The bucket knocked against the door and I took a swift step back before realizing I should look like I'm walking down the hall, so I step away from the door, heading back to the common room before the door opened and I turned to look at him.

His tie was loosened and the top button of his blue button-down shirt was undone and his curly hair looked more disheveled than usual, probably from tugging on it. Eliciting the thought of how his beard would feel between her thighs that she swallowed away.

"You're done for the night. Go straight to your cabin."

"I didn't mop yet," I said, praying my voice wasn't as wrecked as it sounded.

"Clarke… go to your cabin. Now."

That was the first time he's used her name.

"I'll finish in the morning before breakfast."

"No, go to meditation."

I nodded and headed back to the kitchen to empty the bucket.

"Leave it there and go."

"Okay," I placed the bucket on the floor and looked back up at him. "Good night, Doctor Blake."

"Good night, Pri—Clarke," he grimaced and I wanted to ask but I knew better. He knows I heard his conversation. He knows I know he has a conflict of interest here; it's a matter of figuring out who the hell his wife is.

Back in my cabin, I stripped out of my clothes, changing into the little blue nightgown I feel like I've had forever and went to bed, reading some cheap, cliché romance novel.

"Mommy!"

"Hey, baby," I smiled, lifting the jumping bean into my arms and onto my hip. "How was school?"

"Ethan pulled my ponytail!"

"Well, we're going to have to talk with Ethan's mom, won't we?"

Madi nodded fervently and I smiled, kissing her cheek.

"What's Daddy making for dinner?" I asked her and she smiled.

"Cheeseburgers!"

"Cheeseburgers? I bet you're excited! He's making onion rings too, right?"

"Yeah! Baby loves cheeseburgers!" she exclaimed, leaning down and pressing her hand to my pregnant belly as my stomach growled.

"You excited to become a big sister?"

Her green eyes saddened as she pulled her hand away and looked over my shoulder at the floor.

"What is it?"

"Ethan said I'm not really going to be a big sister because you adopted me."

I sighed. "That's complicated, Mads. You're my daughter and I love you, that is never going to change. Our family isn't conventional to people like Ethan and his family. He has a mom and a dad and that probably won't change, but you had two moms and now you have me and Bellamy who is dying to hear you call him Dad but will never push you into it. Baby," I said touching my stomach with my semi-free hand, Madi is getting to be too heavy to lift. "Will always call me Mom and Bellamy Dad because that who we are to him. It is definitely not fair what happened to your parents and what happened to your aunt to have you come live with me, adopted by me alone, but I love you and I wouldn't trade you for the world. Okay? We are family and nothing is going to change that. Not Ethan's judgment or our blood. Promise you won't let people get in your head about our family."

"Bellamy says I look like his sister."

"You do a little bit. Enough to be mistaken for our daughter and I feel guilty about that. I don't want you to forget about your parents and where you came from. You'll understand more of this when you're older, okay? We'll talk about it."

Madi smiled, a little confused when I saw someone lean against the door jamb in my peripheral. I turned and locked eyes with Bellamy watching us fondly.

"Hey," he smiled. "How are my girls?"

I placed Madi on the floor and she skipped over to him. "Baby hungry!"

Bellamy laughed, looking up at me. "Baby hungry?"

"Baby starved. Famished. Peckish," I added for good measure, teasing him.

"Well, the burgers are just about done and the onion rings are in the airfryer for three more minutes. I need some payment first."

He pointed at the horrible, corny apron he almost always insisted he wears since she got it for him as a gag gift over a year ago and it worked too well, producing Baby and a wedding — neither of which she regrets.

Taking the two steps to him, Clarke leaned up to kiss him, making him bend over her to actually accomplish it. She had to have gotten shorter with pregnancy, there's no other explanation.

"I love you. How was your day?"

"Perfect now. You didn't get any reflux, right?"

"Not yet. I didn't have a cheeseburger and onion rings, so I'm great! Thanks for reminding me to take a Tums before dinner. I'll grab that and set the table while you get the burgers and onion rings?"

"Sounds good. Madi wants to eat outside so if you want to grab the citronella candle from the closet, so you don't get bit…"

"I got it," I smiled before kissing him again before going upstairs.

I woke up with his name on the tip of my tongue. "It was just a dream," I breathed just before hearing a scream from another cabin and I jumped out of bed to the window and watched Dr. Blake enter Echo's room.

What the hell?

I threw a sweater on, it gets cold in the desert at night and headed over to Echo's cabin. I heard the rumor about them but I didn't believe it, I needed proof.

Standing in the doorway of Echo's cabin I saw her writhing in the bed screaming as Bellamy held down her shoulders.

Bellamy.

"What are you doing?" I demanded and his eyes lifted to me as Cartwig stepped around the corner and looked at me with her clipboard in her grasp.

"This doesn't concern you, go back to your cabin," she said and I looked to Bellamy… Dr. Blake.

"Clarke, go."

I grimaced, not fully understanding what was happening. Why was Cartwig there? Why was Bellamy—Dr. Blake— holding Echo down? WHY THE HELL DID I HAVE A DREAM THAT I WAS MARRIED TO HIM, WITH A KID AND PREGNANT?

I didn't go back to my room, but I did leave them. I went across the yard and back to the pool, sitting on the rock trying to figure out what that dream meant. Nothing made sense anymore. I didn't remember my life outside work the last few years. My headache grew and grew the longer I thought about it and I gave up, heading back to my room for the night, taking an Advil before falling asleep.

* * *

 **Day 10**

Walking into Dr. Blake's office the next morning felt strange like I didn't belong there, like we were playing roles for some soap opera. Wife struggling with amnesia gets treatment from psychologist husband to get their life back. Catches him cheating with another patient. It's outlandish and whoever thinks up soap operas has issues.

I sat in the chair and picked my chipping green nail polish. What the hell was j supposed to say? I saw you molest a patient last night? Is that even what I saw? Would Cartwig standby and let him do that? Probably not so why the hell was he in Echo's room? Why was he holding her down?

"Why were you awake last night?" he asked — no pleasantries, down to business.

"I had a nightmare. Maybe it was just a dream, I don't know how to describe it exactly."

"Tell me."

"No. You… you don't get to ask me anything. What the hell was that last night?"

"Echo gets night terrors and we monitor it. Help her through whatever it is."

"Really? You were on top of her holding her down."

"She flails and she's hit other doctors and me plenty of times."

"Other doctors?"

"Yes. My last day here is in a week."

"I—No, you can't. I trust you. I can't…"

I trust him. It was so easy to say, so easy to feel. I felt it in the dream last night too.

"You can. You'll be fine, Dr. Reynolds is a good doctor. Tell me about your dream."

"I don't want to."

"Are you embarrassed?"

"Not exactly. Please. Please tell me my diagnosis. It's driving me insane not knowing."

"What happened on December 11th, 2016?"

I blinked. What? "I was driving to work. I was on the freeway because I was running late, I think I woke up late and…" there was a flash of being upside down, my seatbelt pressing and pressing into me. My head was killing me.

"I… was I in a car accident?"

He nodded. "Yes, don't force the memory to come, you could do more damage."

"Was I… was I pregnant?"

"Around six months."

I felt like my heart was shattering all over again like I couldn't breathe and I was sure I was sweating until I felt his hand on my knee and I looked up to find the sympathy and heartbreak in his eyes. He's never done this before either.

"You're okay," he whispered, his thumb stroking the inside of my knee.

My hand went up to his hair and began combing the soft onyx waves. "I dreamt we were married. I had a daughter that I adopted, I was pregnant too. You made Cheeseburgers and onion rings because the baby always wanted them. Madi, our daughter, always called it Baby. We didn't know the gender."

"It was a boy. The ring on your necklace is the ring I proposed with. Madi misses you like crazy, and so do I."

"It was a memory," I sighed and suddenly a kaleidoscope of memories flooded the forefront of my brain and I remembered everything with Bellamy over the last seven years. The fights, the tender touches that should really have been a clue of how we felt. That first kiss that I ran away from even though I initiated it. The late mornings in bed that nearly got us both fired from our jobs. The muttered accidental proposal that was made real the next morning. Asking Madi to help plan the wedding, trying to get her excited about Bellamy becoming her dad. Finding out I was pregnant. The accident. Walking away from everyone. Losing my life, my happiness, everything. "I'm sorry," I cried through the tears. "I'm so sorry. I love you. I miss Madi and home and you. I—"

Bellamy nodded pressing his forehead to mine as my fingers clutch his hair like a lifeline. If I let go, the memories would disappear and I'd be empty again.

"You're okay. We're going to be okay."

"How? It's been two years and I don't remember anything. It's been two years without you and Madi and I was okay with that. How can you say that it's okay?"

"It's not, but we're going to be. That's something. I love you and I tried giving you time and space. You were so afraid of me when you woke up. Afraid of everyone in our lives. I knew what I was letting you do wasn't healthy, I knew I was supposed to bring you home and talk to you, have you remember on your own but you refused. Losing our son combined with the trauma of the car accident, your brain protected you from getting hurt again. Madi and I got lost in that."

"Can I see her?"

Bellamy pulled back and looked up at me. "There's a lot we should talk about first, you know? I still think you should finish out your time here."

"But I remember everything. I hate what I did to you and Madi. God, my mom! How could I not see any of the pain when she spoke to me? It must have been killing her."

"She wasn't my biggest fan in the beginning if you remember, but she saw how I responded to your diagnosis. My respect for you and your wishes even though it killed me inside, that I took care of Madi because you didn't even know who she was. Needless to say, your mother doesn't hate me now."

I laughed. I knew he was probably right, but the thought of Abigail Griffin not hating Bellamy Blake with her entire being was something I thought I'd never see.

"We have seven days left before Dr. Reynolds comes in. I shouldn't be your therapist, but I didn't know how else we could have gotten this to happen."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop. You have nothing to be sorry about. It's the brain's defense mechanism and not your fault at all."

I nodded.

"How about this, you go journal about this. About getting your memory back and you can skip group today."

"I don't want to skip group, it's Raven's last group before she leaves."

"There's a party in the common room after dinner. Streamers and everything; they're fun considering they're dry."

I grimaced, this isn't his first time here. "How long have you been doing this?"

"I found out about it when you were in a coma and once I found out you weren't coming home, I asked about it and they needed another doctor in the rotation so I talked to Abby about it and made a plan. It's six weeks twice a year."

"Are you going to continue?"

"I don't know. We will talk about it when we're home. Go, I have some paperwork to do. I'm so glad you remember, Princess."

The nickname warmed me, I forgot how sexual it sounded with his deep bass voice. But his words held more weight than I expected, he's glad I remembered everything and he should, but that just means it's all new for me. The guilt and pain of losing our baby, made worse by forgetting and leaving him to deal with everything on his own, it was overwhelming and not something I wanted him to see when he finally got his wife back after two years.

* * *

Later at the party, I wasn't as lively as I usually was. I was thinking too damn much and I wish it'd stop. I didn't know how long I was sitting in the corner before Murphy sat next to me.

"You aren't your usual cheerful and condescending self," he commented and I sighed.

"That's not me."

"What?"

"That wasn't me. I… I had amnesia. I'm not typically cheerful or condescending. I'm… a mom and a wife. And I can't stop hating myself for forgetting them."

"Shit. I… did I cause you to remember? Saying it was something you forgot?"

"No, well, maybe, but it was also Blake. He asked me about the day and… everything just fell into place. It's like I purposely forgot everything that made my life worthwhile for the last seven years."

"So your husband sent you here? Did you know he was your husband or…"

"No, well, he probably did, but it was my mom. I think she was done being the mom to my kid, of having to walk on eggshells around me and keep us all separated. I don't know. It just sucks. I feel so goddamn guilty."

"Don't. You didn't know, how could you have known if your brain was…" he stopped talking and I was about to turn to him when I saw the navy blue leather wingtips I remember buying Bellamy ages ago.

"John. Would you mind letting me do my job for five minutes?"

Murphy glared at him for a moment before nodding, leaving me alone with Bellamy and the baggage he carries with him. My amnesia-riddled baggage.

"You okay?" Murphy asked me and I nodded, letting him join the party and say goodbye to Raven. I feel that I should have tried getting to know these people better. Murphy was right, I was cheerful and condescending and not at all Clarke Griffin. How didn't I know something was up back then?

"What's going through your mind?" Bellamy asked as he sat down where Murphy just was.

"I thought you weren't allowed to be my therapist anymore."

"It's a normal question for me to ask you in every aspect of our relationship."

I smiled, such a Bellamy statement. "Right now, I want to kiss my husband."

Bellamy smiled. "He'd like that a lot."

"I want to see Madi."

"She would like that a lot."

"I hate myself."

Bellamy sighed. "I want to say that's natural, that you'll stop feeling the guilt and you won't, but I don't have all the answers for you. I can tell you that you have a family. You have people who love you and don't want to see you hurting."

"I know, but that doesn't mean I can just stop feeling like I screwed up for almost two years."

"You're doing great. I've seen people feeling a lot worst after finding out their life isn't the life they knew. I called Dr. Reynolds and she's going to be here in two days. She's going to start with you immediately and everyone else a few days later. You're a conflict of interest and I can't be your doctor. You should journal in your scheduled hour with me instead."

"Seriously? You… I trust you. I found out the truth with you. I married you. You can't… I want to go home with you."

"I know and I want that too, but it's best if you stay here and finish out the thirty days. Let Dr. Reynolds in and help you, okay? For Madi."

Of course I knew he made sense but it didn't stop his words from feeling like a rejection, like he was keeping me at arms length because he has some hidden secret back in LA, not because he's a doctor and can get in a lot of trouble and lose his license if people knew about us. That didn't mean it doesn't hurt, it doesn't mean that I didn't want to scream from the rooftop that Dr. Blake is mine.

* * *

 **Day 12 & 13**

The two days before Dr. Reynolds were long and grueling. I said goodbye to Raven the morning after the party along with everyone else. Listened to Murphy go on and on about how sexual his letter to his girlfriend, Emori, was and I somehow managed to tell him not to shut up.

I still went to Dr. Blake's office at my scheduled time, but he wasn't there. I was doing it to keep up with appearances and I sighed with relief seeing the picture frame of Madi on his desk. She's so damn cute, how could I forget that face? Those blue eyes? I'm horrible.

The third day I walked into the office, forgetting that Dr. Reynolds would be there and I sighed at the sight of Bellamy standing next to her. He looked perfect with his dress shirt rolled up to his elbows. I forgot how nice his arms were.

"Clarke, this is Dr. Reynolds. She is updated on everything Clarke Griffin and she wants to help you with everything you're feeling and anything you're worried about going home in ten days," he said matter of fact.

"It's nice to meet you, Clarke," she smiled at me and every insecurity about Bellamy loving me came flooding back. I'm the furthest from what he wanted, the tall, tan supermodel with brown hair and matching eyes, not blonde with blue.

I looked at him and the look in his eyes was distant, breaking my heart even more than I have the last three years. "You too, Dr. Reynolds."

"I'll leave you to it."

Bellamy stepped around the desk and past me and I grabbed his wrist. Our eyes met and he smirked. "You're safe. She's a good doctor."

I nodded, looking down at my hand touching him. At the ring on my finger and his eyes followed and he smiled.

"Madi wants to come to pick you up. Dr. Reynolds will let me know if that's a good idea."

I nodded and let him go.

The door closed behind him and I tried relaxing, but it was Bellamy that's always calmed me down and see straight.

"Was that how you two acted at home too?"

"What?"

"You and Dr. Blake. I know you're married."

"Oh, okay. No, not how we acted at all."

The days felt like they dragged without Bellamy. He made the whole experience here better, but I will admit that it's good that he's not the one I talk to about my insecurities about going home and Bellamy's love and how Madi's going to react to seeing me after such a long time. How guilty I feel and it's not all gone. It will never be all gone, but it will lessen and I can be happy again… eventually.

The days passed and Bellamy and Murphy left completely and there were new patients admitted. Of course, I never called them that to their face, we're residents and calling us anything else will get you on cleaning duty. Eight days, that's all I had left after Bellamy and Murphy left and I kind of hoped to stay in touch with him after he left but I don't know. He didn't say goodbye to me or even have a goodbye party. He just left.

Talking to Dr. Reynolds was weird, she was nice and had good questions and perspectives on everything but the second I mentioned work. Work was my constant. I remember everything about work so I understand why she doesn't want to talk about it. There's nothing amnesia related except that there is. I remember having pictures of Bellamy and Madi in my office, I remember having the ultrasound hanging up on the wall but in the last two years there was nothing. It's confusing.

* * *

 **Day 30**

The day came where she said I was set to go home and that Bellamy and Madi were coming to pick me up. Page Municipal Airport and LAX with a layover in Phoenix, it's a pain in the ass, making me wonder why Bellamy would do it twice a year. Maybe he drove all the other times but with Madi an eight-hour drive would be torture.

I checked my cabin again before heading up to the main building, dragging my suitcase behind me and trying to keep my clammy hands dry. I didn't know if they would be in the main room or some office for privacy. I didn't care, I just wanted my family back.

I walked into the main room that should be called the Fishbowl with the floor to ceiling windows on the north and south walls. I heard a squeal and the stomping of quick feet and suddenly little arms were wrapped around me and I looked down to see Madi's wild waves and Bellamy's attempt at some small braids.

"Hi," my voice croaked and Madi laughed looking up at me and I wanted to crumble into pieces. This is my daughter. This is what I've missed out on for two years, what I've taken away from her.

"Hi, Mom," her blue eyes twinkled and she pressed her head back against my chest. She's taller, a lot taller!

"I'm so sorry. I missed you so much these last few weeks, since the moment I remembered."

"I know, Dad told me."

"Dad?" Shes never called Bellamy dad before and it sounds so perfect, so right even though it breaks her heart with the baby all over again.

"Yeah, he… he deserves the title."

"Yeah," I whispered, my eyes locking with his from across the room. "He does."

For the first time in two years, Clarke's felt like everything is right, that everything was how it's supposed to be and she can't wait for the rest of her life with her family.

* * *

Roughly based on the novel, The Fall Before Flight by L.M. Halloran


	34. No One Wants to See That

Bellamy knew there was a chance that the podcast would blow up and become this sponsored catastrophe as opposed to the small catastrophe it currently was. Neither he nor Miller were exactly experts on Sci-Fi or what makes it work and what makes everybody love it.

Honestly, Bellamy wasn't such a fan of that part of the entertainment industry, sure Star Wars and Star Trek were ahead of their time and Avatar was... something, but Bellamy's real attraction was to the Marvel and DC universes and according to Miller they didn't count and neither did Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones because they started as books. Totally confusing Bellamy with the existence of Harry Potter and that exception to the rule.

It was a way for him and Miller to stay in touch while going their separate directions after graduating from UW. Bellamy went back to Baltimore to take care of his fifteen-year-old sister, Octavia, after their mother died of cancer a few days after his graduation and Miller went to LA, he's a writer on some TV drama people love to hate. They were friends and they wanted to keep in touch so they started the podcast as a way to make time for each other as well as getting to shit talk each other's perspectives on whatever film they chose the week before. Sometimes they choose ones to spite each other and sometimes it's movies that were newly released and they both went to the theater just for the podcast (always in Bellamy's case, he hates movie theaters).

Three years passed and Bellamy got Miller to cave on the whole Marvel and DC thing a while back so there were six whole months of them talking about comics and it was fun, Bellamy got to upset Miller for a while and they were still friends. Octavia got into UCSD and Bellamy applied to graduate school, the closest to Octavia being UCLA and once that happened their whole dynamic could change and Bellamy didn't know if it was for better or worse. The podcast was supposed to keep them talking to each other and they had plenty of fans that wouldn't want it to end and doing it face to face could actually change their dynamic and Bellamy was afraid that there might be a fallout.

"I have some news," Bellamy said the first Wednesday in June when he finally locked down an apartment in Westwood. The guy's roommate is moving at the end of July so it's perfect timing for him to move his entire life across the country in August.

Octavia's too.

Miller sounded like he choked on water or most likely coffee or kombucha, Bellamy's really not looking forward to that trend once he's in LA. "You have news? Did Hell freeze over?"

It's moments like these where Bellamy wished Miller agreed to Skype while they record the show so he could laugh at Miller's expressions when he does surprise him with something that wasn't disappointment or judgment when it came to the world of Sci-Fi cinema.

"Haha, very funny. I have a life."

"A life that doesn't involve Octavia?"

"On the rare occasion, yeah. You want to hear it or make fun of me?"

"I can do both."

Bellamy rolled his eyes. "I'm moving to LA in August."

"Did Octavia get into college here?" Of course, that was Miller's first assumption.

"Are you getting laid on the regular?"

"Okay, first of all, no one has talked like that since the early two-thousands, and secondly, no."

"There's your answer. She's going to UCSD and I'm going to grad school at UCLA. We can do this in person."

"Or not. Seriously, you probably don't want to know what I look like when I record these. It's not pretty."

"You do realize I lived with you for three years, I'm used to your filth."

"Yeah, no. You really don't want to be here."

"You're free-balling?" Bellamy guessed with a grimace.

"I'm naked. Thank God this podcast doesn't have our faces attached."

"And now that you told the world you podcast in the nude, if it ever does get a face it'll have to be mine."

"No one wants to see that."

"Yeah, yeah. We going to shit talk Paprika already?"

"Hell, yeah! If you're a newcomer to the show, I'm Nate Miller and my ever charming and mediocrely handsome cohost from the East Coast is the infamous Bellamy Blake."

"I resent that remark," Bellamy deadpanned. "If you're new to us we are twenty-one weeks into Rotten Tomatoes' '110 Best Sci-Fi Movies of All Time' list but before we delve into the atrocity that is Paprika, Miller, tell me something I don't know."

Miller went on about whatever their sponsor was, Bellamy didn't particularly care, they get sponsored meaning their mics were better quality and they're getting more plays on iTunes, especially with this series they're doing. They have a ranking system and a poll on the podcast's Twitter that's open for five days before they record the next one where they tell people who won and the winner gets to mock the loser and there's a tally in the Twitter bio for who's winning. It's pretty fun.

The Wednesday before Octavia and Bellamy move across the country, Bellamy and Miller record two shows. They don't record the opening for the second one so Bellamy can be authentic when talking about the move and settling in even though he will have to do that the moment he parks the U-Haul in front of his apartment so Miller can cut it together with the ad and discourse over The Thing. After reviewingCaptain Marvel when it was released they decided to stop reviewing new releases and stick to the list even though it will take them two years and two months to complete. They'll end that with a catch up of the last two years of Sci-Fi films starting with Avengers: Endgame because Shazam!... Really?

Bellamy drives the entire time, having Octavia complain that she can't escape him for anything. His car was being hauled behind the moving truck and they were massive and it wasn't that Bellamy didn't trust Octavia driving, it just didn't make sense for them to both be exhausted from driving all day every day for three days.

They arrived at UCSD the first day she could move into the dorms and even though he wanted to stay and meet her roommate, Bellamy didn't have time, he had his own school to get to and his own apartment to move into and a storage unit to move the rest of their belongings into before he can even get to the school to sign up for classes. He hated rushing their goodbye even though he knew Octavia was grateful for his speedy departure. Then there was the grueling drive to LA that should have only taken three and a half hours but took five and by the time he got to his new apartment, he was exhausted and wanted to yank his mattress up the stairs to the apartment and crash. He'd call Miller in the morning and have him cut it together quickly before he puts it up at noon always.

He found the building and rang the bell for the apartment and the voice asked for Bellamy and he groaned out an affirmative before the door buzzed open.

Second floor, apartment 2D.

The door swung open just as he was about to knock and came face to face with a short blonde woman.

"Uh..." he blinked and she grimaced.

"You read Clarke and assumed guy, right? The problem with a male-typical name. I was dormed with a guy my first semester in college. I'm used to it. That's also assuming you're Bellamy."

"Uh..." Bellamy's brain still wasn't working, he's too exhausted from spending three days in a small space with his sister that finding out that his roommate is a petite blonde bombshell. "Yeah, yeah. I'm Bellamy. I shouldn't have assumed you're a guy."

"I shouldn't have assumed you're a girl. Bellamy is feminine."

"I blame my mother. I'm sorry, I'm exhausted. Do you mind if I just..." he pointed inside the apartment and hoped she figured it out.

"Yeah," she stepped back out of the way to let him and the mattress in. "Down the hall, you're the second door on the left. The bathroom is the first."

"You're on the right?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. I'm probably going to wake up at three or four in the morning, is there anywhere I could go so I don't wake you up?"

"I'm actually working the graveyard shift so I won't be around. You got your sister unpacked today too?"

"Yeah, that was my morning and then five hours in traffic. I'm exhausted."

"Okay, I'll be back around seven-fifteen tomorrow morning. I have tomorrow night off so I can help you unpack when I get back. I thought you were going to get here earlier and I was going to help a little but I have to go. Take-out menus are on the refrigerator. I can swing by a diner for breakfast, you have my number so text me what you want. I don't have cable, just a fire stick with Hulu and if you have Netflix that'd be awesome to add to it."

"You're really okay with living with me?"

"Why wouldn't I be? You told me about the last few years, how you had to take a break to raise your sister. If that's a lie..."

"I wouldn't lie about her."

"Okay then. I have a date to go ruin before work so you sleep and I'll see you in twelve hours and help you move in." She smiled and threw a backpack over her shoulder before stepping around the mattress that was halfway in the door. "There's a key on the counter if you leave before I get back for whatever reason."

Bellamy nodded and pulled the mattress all the way into the living room so Clarke could close the door, locking it behind her.

Bellamy found his room and dropped the mattress before stripping out of his boots and jeans. He fell asleep in a T-shirt, briefs, and socks, he really didn't care until two AM when his feet felt too constricted and he pulled them off as his phone began to ring. He didn't let Octavia know he got there safely.

"I'm fine, just exhausted," he told her after wrangling the phone from his jeans.

"You're a pain in my ass. Sleep and I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Bellamy woke up the next morning at five and thanked the lord that he actually slept. He texted Clarke that he was grabbing some Starbucks, it was at the corner of the block and she asked for a trenti Pike's Place and she'll meet him back at the apartment and explain why she's out early. She's getting pancakes from her favorite diner for them too.

They spend the morning unpacking the U-Haul after Bellamy called Miller for the podcast, not exactly forthcoming with Clarke's gender, he feels like that's something that could shock their fans and Miller. If Miller never wants to come to their apartment, Bellamy won't take offense because it's a fun secret.

"What is all this shit?" Clarke asked unpacking his mic and headset, it makes him feel a little more official with the headphones so he can hear every minute background noise. He used to have the train running through and he was trying to make it all so that it wasn't an awkward void behind him and a comfortable white noise. Miller has nothing behind him and Bellamy sometimes wonders if he uses an ADR suite at the studio because it was always so perfect and steady. Also, who the hell has he become worrying about shit like that? Bellamy vaguely told Clarke about having a project with his friend and the equipment is for that and she let it go, putting the box on his desk and went back for more boxes.

The school year started and Bellamy and Miller maintained their schedule and Clarke was never around when Bellamy was ranting and raving about whatever insanity he had to watch that week, Twelve Monkeys, and Bellamy watched the TV show and swore it was better than the movie. Up, down and sideways and Miller refused and then Bellamy heard a grunt behind him and he turned around, while hearing Miller in his ear wondering what the hell that was and all Bellamy could do was gape at Clarke in her scrubs with bags under her eyes from working a double shift. She was still fucking adorable.

Not going to happen, he reminded himself.

"Bellamy!" Miller yelled and Bellamy jerked the headphones off his head as he continued to stare at Clarke.

"There are differences between the film and series and those changes were strategic to make the series run as long as possible while still making coherent sense even though they're jumping through time, seeing Jessica during different times of her life, she always knows which Cole and Cassie know what. She shouldn't know, but she does.

"There's no Jessica in the movie," Bellamy stated picking up his headphones.

"—that?"

"I know she's not, there's a lot of people who aren't but also think about the time difference, the movie is from 1995, that's 21 years before the series and fifty years from the disease taking over in 2035 as they both say. There have to be differences for continuity and scientific evolution and technological advancement."

"Bro, who's the smart chick in your apartment?" Miller asked and it fucking echoed throughout the entire apartment and Bellamy just looked at Clarke, completely frozen.

"I'm Clarke and I really don't appreciate being called a chick."

"Sorry, you can have a free pass at calling me a homo. Wait, Bellamy, Clarke's a girl?"

"Woman. I'm over the age of fifteen," she said with annoyance.

"I'd hope so. Bellamy?"

"I'm—yeah. What?" He blinked and wondered if Clarke just took over his podcast for a minute, agreeing with Miller.

"You've been living in the same apartment as Lady Clarke for over three months and didn't think it was an important thing to tell people?" Miller asked and Bellamy grimaced at his name for her.

"I'm not related to anyone in any royal hierarchy so not Lady Clarke, just Clarke. I'm sorry, Bellamy, what's going on?"

"Podcast. We do a podcast about sci-fi movies and you're usually working when we do it so I didn't think I'd have to tell you," he admitted, though he was rather embarrassed. What average person has a podcast let alone one as popular as theirs? It's not normal.

"Cool. Twelve Monkey, Bruce Willis. I'd give it a 6.7 but I'm really into good CGI, call me a snob. In 1995 it was probably an 8.3 but effects are better now than they were then so a 6.7 rating."

Clarke smiled, touching his shoulder softly before heading to her room and closed the door behind her.

"She's gone."

"Dude, seriously? You didn't tell me you're rooming with a girl."

"It's not important, it's not like I'm going to bang my roommate. She just agreed to let O come here for winter break, I'm not going to jeopardize that."

"But do you like her?"

"Even if I did, which I am definitely not saying I do, I'm not going to risk losing this apartment if it ends badly."

"It could end badly regardless."

"True, but at least I know it won't end because I broke her heart or something truly traumatic. Dude, seriously, you can't even talk, you won't talk to that new PA for your boss and he doesn't make amazing single-source pour over coffee every morning that puts Starbucks to shame."

"You're admitting to being a coffee snob now?"

"Hell yes. Can we get back to Twelve Monkeys?"

"I mean, do you have a better argument than she does on your stance of the movie versus series?"

"No, hers was spot on."

"So I think we're done. I rate it a 5 because I'm with her about the graphics, they could have been better, even with 1995 tech."

"6.4, the acting could have been better. Bruce Willis was a little out of his depth."

JedisNGodsPC: Who's rating for Twelve Monkeys (1995) do you agree with?

Bellamy, 6.4 37.5%

Clarke 1995, 8.3 11.4%

Miller, 5 35.5%

Clarke 2018, 6.7 15.6%

JedisNGodsPC: Should we add Bellamy's roommate, Clarke, into the show?

Yes! (Part-time) 46.3%

No. 37.8%

Who? 15.9%

"Hey," Clarke said walking in the door the day before their next recording. She looked worried.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Can we talk? About your podcast?"

"Yeah, what's up?" he closed his laptop, it's just downloading The Abyss.

"The podcast, you... I didn't think I'd ever meet someone who actually had a podcast."

Bellamy scoffed. "This is LA and you're a nurse at a major hospital. I'm pretty sure you've met someone with a podcast. Anyway, you're pretty popular, people want to hear more from you."

"Really?"

Bellamy opened his laptop and pulled up Twitter and showed her the poll about hearing from her again. "We were going to wait and talk to you on Thanksgiving about it. We didn't want to push you but we never really thought about the female perspective until you came in and we really like how the last episode turned out."

"Oh, cool. So, The Abyss, huh?"

"Yeah, have you seen it?"

"No, I've heard about it, I'm a big James Cameron fan so..."

"Thank God Miller is gay or I'd think he'd fall in love with you after hearing that."

Clarke laughed. "Wait for me to watch? I need to shower. Will you make popcorn?"

"Sure."

The next few months were a whirlwind, Clarke's been in a few episodes, the ones she was there while Bellamy was recording and stepped in. Octavia stayed with her roommate in San Diego for Thanksgiving so it was just them and Miller, Clarke invited her friends Monty and Raven. Monty turned out to be the PA Miller had been crushing on and he hated that Monty brought Jasper with him, not knowing that they've been best friends since they were in diapers. Watching that unfurl was entertaining until Raven cornered Bellamy and asked how long he's been into Clarke and he froze. Was it possible that he was into her without even knowing? They've been spending more and more time together, watching the movies and going to museums once Bellamy found out Clarke could practically go to whichever one she wanted in the county without question. Her mom's some big donor. They went every day they were both off of work at the same time. It was rare but often enough that they've been to five already.

Octavia stayed with them for the month and a half that was winter break and Bellamy watched Clarke slowly go mad. Octavia spent most of her time at some kickboxing place and Bellamy was glad to have some time to himself and to focus on the podcast and Clarke. Her proximity to him to get her voice in the mic was making him think of buying her a mic under the guise of Christmas so he could breathe again. Miller's definitely noticed and had harassed him for days after the first episode after Thanksgiving with Clarke. Thanks to Raven, he was over thinking every move he made and it definitely wasn't smooth.

It was the beginning of February and Miller and Monty have been talking about Valentine's Day nonstop. Bellamy didn't know Miller was such a romantic, he swore that with Brian, Miller wasn't, but maybe the guy's trying harder this time. They've been together since Thanksgiving and Clarke was always smiling at the two of them because she's been hearing Monty complain about the cute writer at work for a while so she doesn't have to listen to that anymore. Bellamy, hadn't even realized that the dreaded romantic holiday was on their newly established movie night and if she had a date she would have canceled with him already and he's just hoping that she didn't turn someone down to keep his lonely ass company.

"What?" she grimaced after he explained it.

"I'm just saying if there's a doctor or someone who's asked you out for Valentine's Day, you don't have to worry about me and the movie," he said a little more clearly.

"You think I'd rather be on a shitty date with a self-righteous doctor or surgeon instead of spending the night in sweats eating take away and watching some shitty Sci-Fi film with you?"

"Okay, the original Planet of the Apes is not shitty."

Clarke smiled. "You're right, that's unfair to this ONE movie. I'm serious, you'd think I'd ditch our plans for a date?"

"So many friends of mine have."

"You have friends?"

"Haha. It's Valentine's Day, you should be out enjoying your youth."

"I get it, you're twenty-seven and more experienced and worldly, but I'm perfectly happy with staying in and suffering through Planet of the Apes again."

Bellamy nodded, he knew when to drop the topic with her and he turned back to his paper and the notes he had strewn about his desk, not exactly knowing what to say to her.

The morning of Valentine's Day, Bellamy was on his way to school when he looked in the window of CVS and sighed. He wanted nothing more than to be able to buy Clarke chocolates and flowers, eventually some really nice jewelry. He's not denying that he's falling in love with his roommate anymore, he's not that delusional to believe that he's not. He knows he is and it's a pain in the ass. She's gorgeous and brilliant and funny as hell when she's not so damn serious, how could he not be completely smitten? Fuck it. He's buying her chocolates and not roses but nice flowers and pho now that it's her favorite take away.

When he got home around five that night, there was soft music playing, an off thing considering Clarke was into the harder side of classic rock. She thought Ed Sheeran was an actor until Octavia played some of his music over her winter break.

"Clarke?"

"I—" she called from somewhere down the hall and Bellamy heard something fall and her curse. He wanted to race to her rescue but knew better, he may call her princess on occasion but she's not a damsel in distress. "I'll be out in a minute!"

She's in the bathroom, okay. Breathe. Bellamy reminded himself before placing the flowers and chocolate on the table with the pho so he could take his jacket off and put his messenger bag on the bench.

When he turned around, Clarke was standing in the hall dressed in a blue tank top and a pair of soft grey sleep shorts, her eyes glued on the flowers and chocolate.

"I, uh, I thought you should get flowers and chocolate today."

"They're so blue."

"They reminded me of your eyes," he said easily and it sounded too close to a confession.

"Oh. Thank you," she smiled.

She stepped into the space and picked them up, taking the wrapping and pulling it apart. She grabbed a vase on her way to the kitchen and Bellamy sighed. It's normal. She thinks this is normal and friendly, that he's not ruining what they have with buying her fifty dollar flowers.

Fuck! He bought his roommate fifty dollar flowers.

Busying himself with the pho, Bellamy was putting it out on the table when she came back and placed the flowers in the center of the table.

She picked up the chocolate before her spare hand dropped to his, stopping him from organizing the mess that was the contents of take away pho. His eyes lifting to meet hers.

"How did you know this was my favorite chocolate?"

"I—I don't know."

"The flowers remind you of my eyes?"

"When you're tired or angry, they get dark."

"Bellamy," she sighed and he didn't know what that meant so he blinked and went back to the pho.

He prepared their plates and sat them on the coffee table and queued up the movie. Clarke sat down with a glass of wine, bringing him an IPA and he started the film as they began eating in silence.

Halfway through, Clarke put their bowls in the sink and came back with more beer and wine. She sat closer than before and Bellamy didn't know what to do with his hands anymore. They were at his sides and the moment Clarke sat three inches from him, he started spazzing. He held the bottle in his hand next to her as his thumb picked at the corner of the label.

Not fifteen minutes later, Clarke's head dropped to his shoulder and he froze before realizing she fell asleep. She's seen the movie so many times with her father growing up that she didn't necessarily have to watch it with him but she was here and his heart wouldn't stop beating out of his chest. Slowly, she slid off his shoulder and down to his lap and somehow Bellamy managed to get his arm out from underneath her and get a pillow under her head before she landed with her face in his crotch.

When the movie ended, Bellamy woke Clarke up softly and she smiled up at him. "Sorry, it was an exhausting day at work."

"You're fine," he said quickly, too quickly and Clarke quirked a brow at him with an almost smirk.

"Hey, Bellamy. You, uh, you got me flowers and chocolate, you brought home my favorite food for dinner even though you don't particularly like it that much. It's Valentine's Day and you haven't been out with anyone since you got here and Octavia said you were kind of a man whore in Virginia..."

Bellamy placed his hand on her thigh, higher than what could ever be considered friendly and Clarke's words stopped and her eyes dropped to his hand. "I was trying to be subtle, I was also trying insanely hard to not have to move out of here if you don't—"

His near-confession was cut off by her lips against his and he wrapped his arms around her, tugging her closer to him. As close as possible before she climbed into his lap.

"I was doing the same thing," she admitted between kisses before their tongues fought for dominance.

* * *

Bellamy woke up to the sweet smell of peaches before realizing that it was his blonde roommate and possibly girlfriend in his bed, naked. He smiled, pulling her closer and she sighed happily snuggling back into him.

"Do you have work today?" he whispered softly.

"No, but we have the podcast," she uttered, pressing a kiss to his hand that was entwined with hers.

"We should give Miller a taste of his own medicine and podcast naked."

"He does not!"

"He really does. That's why we don't Skype when we do it."

"It actually sounds like a very Miller thing to do. What time is it?"

Bellamy turned his head and looked at the clock on his nightstand. "Nearly eight."

"How the hell are we up before eight after last night?"

"You did take an hour nap in my lap before we exhausted ourselves all over again."

"Best Valentine's Day I've ever had," she rolled over and looked up at him. "Is that sad?"

"No, it was my favorite too," he smiled before kissing her sweetly.

"We have an hour before Miller calls."

"You trying to tell me something?"

"Well, Little Bell is at attention..."

"Little Bell?"

"Your ego is already too big."

Bellamy laughed before rolling onto his back, bringing her with him to be on top this time.

An hour later, Bellamy and Clarke were still in bed, an earbud with Miller in and their headphones on and a mic sat between them as Bellamy and Miller discussed last week's polls and then had the ad going. Bellamy moved the mic away from them as Miller went on and on about some product so he could kiss Clarke and she bit her lip when he pulled away.

"Would I still be doing this with you guys if we ever break up?"

"I'm not going to think about it. Don't get me wrong I'm neurotic and am definitely freaking out about it but... did you just say we're together?"

"Yeah."

"Good," Bellamy kisses her again before bringing back the mic and Miller asked them something about Charlton Heston and Clarke got heated about the mistreatment of actors and how they had to work through being sick. He had the flu during filming and they shot him repeatedly with a fire hose that shit fucking hurts!

The hour was almost over and Clarke asked Bellamy to pass her a shirt and Miller choked on his coffee. "What?"

"We're naked," Bellamy explained with a smirk as he passed his T-shirt from the night before to Clarke. "We're also not caffeinated or out of bed."

"Wow, tell the world we finally got our shit together barely twelve hours after we get our shit together. If that doesn't doom us, I don't know what will."

"Wait, Bellarke is alive?" Miller asked.

"Bellarke?" Bellamy grimaced.

"Jasper gave us a ship name," Clarke confirmed.

"Damn kid," Bellamy shook his head fondly. "Yeah, Bellarke is alive."

* * *

 **Three Years Later:**

"Did you ever think we'd get here?" Clarke asked as Bellamy zipped up her gown.

"Getting a nomination for a Webby? Or five in three different categories?"

"That you'd get this big."

"You're a major part of it. You might not be in every episode but you're in a majority of them and all the ones up for the awards."

"Mmm, that's just telling me that I make the show better."

"Everything with you in it is better," Bellamy told her. His eyes locked with hers in the mirror as he dropped a kiss to her bare shoulder.

"I love you," she smiled, finding his hand at her hip.

"Marry me."

"Bellamy," she sighed. "I'm not a consolation if you don't win tonight."

"I know, I've been wanting to ask for a while and, yeah, it slipped, but I meant it. I still do. Please marry me, Clarke Griffin."

"Yes. Yes, I'll marry you," she spun around and kissed him thoroughly and when she pulled away, laughed at him with her lipstick all over his lips and chin.

"I look good, I'm going out like this. Everyone's gonna know I'm yours."

Clarke laughed as Bellamy went to his nightstand and grabbed the ring box he'd hidden in the back.

They won two of the five awards they were nominated for and Miller spilled the tea of Bellarke's engagement.


	35. 35 Part 1

**I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD HAVE EVER BEEN THIS BAD - PART 1**

* * *

Clarke looked over at her phone again and pressed deny for what felt like the fiftieth time in the last three days. Raven looked at her questioningly before turning back to her computer.

The phone rang again and Clarke just ignored it.

"Maybe you should answer it," Raven suggested.

"Have you answered a call from telemarketers? The second you answer, they share with their friends and you get three hundred of their closest friends calling you too."

"They seem rather persistent though. are you sure it's telemarketers? What if something happened to Abby?"

"Fine," Clarke picked up her phone and the call went to voicemail but it rang again and Clarke sighed before answering. "Hello?"

"Miss Griffin?"

"Yes?"

"I'm a nurse at Highland Hospital in Rochester. You're the emergency contact for Bellamy Blake. He's been in an accident and we need your permission to perform the necessary surgeries."

"I'm sorry, who?"

"Bellamy Blake."

"I...I don't," Clarke shook her head. She had no idea who Bellamy Blake was or why she's his emergency contact, but she should probably be there for him if he's using her as his emergency contact. Right? Besides he's only an hour's drive, she can be there for someone. "I can be there in an hour, can it wait that long?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'm leaving now," Clarke hung up the phone and stood to get dressed when Raven stopped her.

"What's going on?"

"I'm going to Rochester. Someone put my name and number as their emergency contact, I should go."

"Wait, what? You don't know who it is?"

"Maybe I met them before, I don't remember ever hearing the name though. I should still go. It's an hour, what's it going to hurt?"

"Your final project."

Clarke sighed and grabbed her sketchbook from the coffee table and headed for the door.

"You're seriously going to drive an hour for someone you don't know?"

"I might. He had my name as his emergency contact, that has to mean something, right?"

"Just let your professors know, okay?"

Clarke smiled before hugging Raven goodbye. " I will."

* * *

There were upsides to being raised by a surgeon, one would be knowing what the doctors meant when she told Clarke everything that Bellamy Blake needed to undergo to get back on his feet. He's in a drug-induced coma that was likely aided by the amount of pain he was in from the car accident. The fact that they waited three days for Clarke to answer her phone finally was a good sign that he wasn't a total loss and he would make, but that didn't mean that she didn't pace the entire six hours that he was in surgery and the two hours that he was in recovery before they brought him back to his room and Clarke bit back her gasp when she saw all the cuts and bruises on his face, the breathing tube was something she was too used to.

She somehow thought that she'd be able to recognize him when she saw him, but the extent of the windshield's damage... his family and friends probably wouldn't be able to recognize him in this state.

Two days after his surgery, his doctor decided to wean him off the medication that's kept him sedated and though he didn't wake up, he was breathing on his own so they pulled out the breathing tube. Clarke took it upon herself to sketch him while he slept, not having another subject and her final portrait was due in four days. The complexity of Bellamy's cuts and bruises and freckles weren't easy to capture and it was probably the reason she didn't notice when he woke up.

"Clarke?" she heard a rough voice push and her eyes darted to the door to find no one before looking at him in the bed and she stood. her sketchbook and pencil falling to the floor as she walked over to him.

"Bellamy. You're awake."

"Water..."

Clarke grabbed the pitcher from the side table and poured him a cup and once he downed it, he leaned his head back against the pillow.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm your emergency contact. I don't know how you got my information, but I'm glad I was here. No one else came for you."

"Octavia is my sister."

"Octavia Blake? From elementary school?"

"A little middle school too. I... She's in Chilé, I guess I hadn't changed my emergency contact since high school."

"I'm sorry? You've had me as your emergency contact for nearly a decade without knowing? I was eleven, how the hell did you think I'd be a good choice to decide if you should have surgery or not?"

"I didn't think it would have ever been this bad. What happened?"

"You were in a car accident and I don't particularly know why they waited for my permission to give you the surgery you needed, but they did and I'm here. You're Octavia's brother, neither of whom I've seen in nine years and here we are after a car accident... how did you get my cell phone number?"

"Have you changed numbers over the years?"

"No. It was my dad's number first. I took it after he died," she said and it made sense. If Bellamy knew her through Octavia all those years ago, then he would have had Jake's number and it hadn't changed. She still gets calls from her father's coworkers from time to time, people who didn't know about his death. It wasn't made public, Abby was too distressed to have a formal announcement for the community.

"I'm sorry, I know you two were close."

Clarke nodded, "We were."

The doctor came in and started checking Bellamy and Clarke stepped out of the room. When she was allowed back in, the doctor told her that Bellamy needs to stay another week before going home. She had finals and Bellamy told her he'd be bored but fine without her, he thanked her for being there for him and Clarke smiled. She was glad she came, he seemed like a good person that deserved to have people there for him. It made her question why he didn't, but he said he didn't need her to come back to get him home once he was discharged. Clarke didn't feel right about that and she had three months after finals to do whatever she wanted and helping take care of Bellamy was something she wanted to do.


	36. 36 Part 2

**I'M OKAY, I DON'T NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF ME - PART 2**

* * *

"Hey!" Clarke called as she walked into his apartment like she owned the place.

"It's the weekend already?" Bellamy smirked, sitting up and adjusting himself on the couch to make room for her.

"Yep and I brought pizza. Not that abomination you like, but real pizza, with bacon, sausage, and pepperoni."

Bellamy laughed, "Yeah, yeah. Try that again when I can walk and fight you over what real pizza is when you haven't even tried it."

"Oh, fighting words," she said sitting on the other side of the couch and handed him a can of Coke before downing a sip of beer.

"God, I miss beer and you're an ass about bringing a six-pack and not letting me have one."

"Sometimes misery doesn't love company," she smirked before taking a bite of pizza.

"How was your class?"

She rolled her eyes, "It was class, stop being so interested in the one thing I come here to escape."

"You don't have to, you know. I'm okay, I don't need you to take care of me."

"I know. I like being here. I was thinking of transferring to Rochester."

"Are you serious? You can't do that, Clarke, most of your credits won't transfer."

"It's my decision," she said sternly and Bellamy didn't want to think of why she was so adamant about transferring, but he needed to say something about her always being here instead of in Buffalo.

"Clarke, if this has anything to do with me—"

"It doesn't. I'm not happy in Buffalo. I'm not saying that moving here is going to make me happy, but it's worth a shot."

"I don't need you taking care of me."

"Why do you think this is about you?"

"Because you've been here every moment you could spare. Every weekend. My leg's healed and—"

"You're in physical therapy. Bellamy, I'm not doing this because of you, I'm happier here and, sure, maybe that's because I'm with you, but shouldn't that be a good thing? Being happy."

"It is, that's not what I'm saying, I just think you might want to think about your motivations more before making drastic moves. You have time to think about it before deciding."

"I have thought about it. It's what I want."

Bellamy reached for a slice of pizza and sat back with it in his hand. "Okay, just please don't make me a factor."

Clarke nodded and Bellamy knew that she wasn't going to listen to him. She's going to do what she wants regardless of what he said, but at least he said it.

She stayed late that Sunday night, Bellamy knew it was a sign that she hated Buffalo, but he hated that she was so certain about it. He loved how good of a friend she was, making it even more difficult to keep his distance. He remembered the day he was getting out of the hospital and how attentive she was.

* * *

"Woah, sorry!" Bellamy heard at the door of his hospital room when he'd just taken off his robe to put regular clothes on.

He whipped his head around to find Clarke turning around. He tried getting dressed as quickly as possible, grateful that it was May and warm because he's worn basketball shorts outside in the winter and regretted it immediately, so with his leg being broken, it's great that it's the summer. He finished pulling his shirt on and cleared his throat so Clarke knew it was all good to turn around and come in.

"Why are you here?" he asked, sitting back down on the hospital bed he hated with his entire being.

"I told you I was coming back after my finals, I finished this morning."

"Oh, right. Sorry, they said I could leave today and I've been craving fresh air. I didn't think."

"I can go if you don't want me to stay."

"No, it's fine. I didn't think you'd be coming back."

"I think they'll frown upon you driving home," she nodded to his arm, and he knew if she knew about his leg she wouldn't be so nonchalant about him driving home.

"Not that I could," he grimaced, raising his leg up onto the bed to show her.

Clarke gasped silently, "You didn't have that when I was last here."

"It was on the list of surgeries I needed so it happened when you were gone. Low on the totem pole, I guess."

Watching Clarke mull around his apartment later was a sight to be seen, she wanted to keep busy and help him out, but she didn't know what she could do that wouldn't be intrusive and she didn't know how to ask him which was even cuter. Bellamy quickly stomped that train of thought out and left it there before taking it any further, she's his first friend in years, he's not going to ruin that.

* * *

"How's Clarke doing?" he heard just before the door slammed Monday around noon. Miller.

Bellamy sighed, there's no easy way to tell his best friend that he's falling for his weekend caregiver. "She's good, thinking about transferring here."

"Because you finally made a move? Fucking finally, man!"

"What?" Bellamy grimaced. "No. She said she's happier here than in Buffalo and wants to be happy."

"Meaning that you make her happy because she hasn't been anywhere but this apartment. You two don't do anything except watch documentaries on Netflix."

"That's not true! We... okay, it's true, but that's because I can't walk. Once I can walk again, I'll be going places."

"With your cute new girlfriend, you accidentally found because you're an idiot that hadn't changed his emergency contact in nearly a decade."

"Fuck. Do you think she likes me? I mean, she doesn't look at me while I'm in the shower, she's helpful, but her eyes don't deviate from my face."

"I think she'd either jump you the second she looked down or she'd run for the hills with the size of your dick," Miller deadpanned and Bellamy didn't question how Miller's seen his dick, it's really not something he wants to know.

"So I should make a move?"

"Maybe wait until you can see her more than the weekends? Maybe ask her to live with you if she transfers here."

"Yeah... yeah," Bellamy sighed. "I could do that."

"Please tell me you're cooler than this around her?"

"Uh, I think I'm more of a dick trying too hard to hide his feelings and sometimes I'm a little too helpless, especially an hour after I take an Oxy."

"I thought you were trying to wean yourself off it."

"I thought I wouldn't need it at all, who's the idiot here?"

"Always you. Anyway, I brought you LeanCuisine this week, they were on sale. You still have the Hot Pockets from last week?"

"Clarke ate two but other than them, yes. Haven't I asked you for ready pack salads?"

"They look gross and cost three times as much."

"Not your money, Miller. If you're going to keep this up, I'm going to have Clarke take me to the grocery store and use one of those electric scooters so I can get what I want instead of whatever you feel like getting me."

"Fucking finally! Do it. You won't know how compatible you two actually are until you go grocery shopping together."

"I call bullshit on that one."

* * *

The next few months pass quickly, his leg's nearly healed, he walks with a cane but he rarely uses it unless he's been upright for too long. He started driving again, surprising Clarke the Wednesday before Thanksgiving by showing up at her apartment, Raven invited him to their Friendsgiving, Miller and Murphy too so he wouldn't feel too left out. Clarke's also met them and they get along well enough that he felt comfortable enough to ask them to go too.

Her eyes lit up at the sight of him on her couch and practically jumped on him, causing the ice pack on his knee to fall to the floor. "What are you doing here?"

"Raven invited me. The guys too, they're coming tomorrow, I just didn't want you to drive all the way to Rochester tonight just to drive back here to see me."

"I-Raven! What the hell did you do?"

"It's not like you'd go apartment hunting without him anyway, this way you could-"

"Raven!"

"Shit. Sorry."

"Apartment hunting?" Bellamy grimaced.

"I'm not living on campus," Clarke said flatly.

"Okay, you already have an apartment so..."

"Rochester accepted my transfer and I'm only losing six credits, I can easily make them up."

"I have a second bedroom, you practically live in it on the weekends anyway. No hunt necessary, be my roommate." So maybe he could have said it a different way, definitely a way that let her know that he doesn't want her using the second bedroom that's still technically Octavia's because he's too lazy (cough in denial cough) to clean it out.

"That's Octavia's room."

"I need to accept that it's not anymore. She isn't coming back."

"Are you sure?"

"I've thought about it for months, yeah."

"You've thought about living with me for months?"

"Not like that, just if you did transfer schools, it'd be easier for both of us, splitting the rent."

"Right. It totally would. Yeah, I'm in."

Bellamy smiled and Clarke tucked herself into his side on the couch.

* * *

Okay, having Clarke move in was a huge mistake. She spent Christmas with Raven and her mother in Buffalo, calling him to wish him a Merry Christmas while Murphy was running around his apartment, possibly on Adderall for no reason whatsoever, and singing Jingle Bell Rock slightly akin to Mean Girls. She started moving her things in after her mother left, borrowing Miller's truck for the bigger things that he then helped her carry up to the apartment since Bellamy couldn't. It wasn't that living with her was complicated, they argued when she was there on the weekends, but these seemed to be charged with something more than a friendly argument, she left her shoes everywhere, her clothes too, and sure, once Octavia left, Bellamy had a week where he walked around buck naked because he finally had the freedom to do so but then one day Miller walked in on him in the living room and that ended that.

But it wasn't just her leaving her clothes out everywhere, it was that their whole dynamic changed, they didn't text as they used to during the week, Clarke didn't bring food with her and always wanted something that they didn't have because Bellamy has more time to do the grocery shopping on Thursdays after his half shift at work. It probably had something to do with the mystery of her disappearing, he sees her all the time, knows her better than he knows himself and so the allure, the initial spark of attraction he had for her was gone and then it was Valentine's Day and she had a date.

Bellamy didn't delude himself into thinking that his attraction to her went away completely, he really didn't, but it didn't stop his heart from dropping when he saw her come out of her room in that navy blue dress on Valentine's Day and tell him she had a date. A date with someone that wasn't him and he wanted to stop her, he wanted to grab her and kiss her and tell her that he's in love with her because, fuck, that's what living with her has done to him, that's what everything this last year with her has done to him and he couldn't bear to lose her. Not like this.

"Don't go," he said as her hand turned the knob of their apartment door.

"What do you mean?"

He stood, turning to look at her, his heart breaking with how beautiful she was, "Whoever they are, whoever it is that you're going to see, don't," his voice broke and he hated how raw he was over her dating someone else.

"Cillian's downstairs, I can't exactly cancel."

"You can call him and tell him that your roommate's having an existential crisis, it's not exactly inaccurate."

"I told him I'd be down in ten minutes, so you get five."

"I'm in love with you."

Clarke froze, her phone slipping from her hand and fell to the floor. "What?"

"I'm in love with you..." Bellamy said with less confidence. He's definitely made a mistake.

"You're an idiot."

"I know, but I had to tell you."

"Right as I'm about to go on a date for the first time since Lexa?" she yelled.

"Yes?" he grimaced, is she mad that he told her in general or the timing of him telling her? This is really confusing and if she wanted him to say it, she shouldn't be mad at all, right? Women...

She sighed and bent over to pick up her phone and pressed it a few times before pressing it to her ear. "Hey... no, my roommate's having an existential crisis and... I'm sorry, Cillian. Thank you for understanding. I'll see you tomorrow." She hung up and glared at Bellamy. "Don't," she sneered and headed back into her room.

Shit. Shit. Shit. He's ruined everything, their friendship, their living situation, everything they've worked on in the last year has gone to shit thanks to his big mouth and even bigger feelings.

He sat back down on the couch and pressed play to continue watching the new documentary Netflix posted on Friday, thinking that Clarke would join him, but as time grew longer and slowed, Bellamy's focus on the TV evanesced and he was stuck in his head going over every minute detail of what he said, of the last two months, of the seven before that when she took care of him in the hospital and they became friends and he didn't become their mothers with the Oxycoton.

He jumped out of his trance when he felt something on his thigh and found Clarke in the middle of straddling his hips, leaning back when she succeeded. "What are you doing?" Bellamy asked, slightly dumbfounded at the sight of her creamy legs astride his. He took in her clothes, trying a little too hard not to make eye contact because this was awkward, he was awkward however long ago he declared his love for her was, she was in his Rochester hoodie, her wild blonde curls on top of her head in a messy bun and her legs completely bare except for the little boy short panties emitting her heat out onto his upper thighs through his old warn in sweatpants. Fuck.

"What I should have done months ago," her voice was low and scratchy and Bellamy looked up into her eyes and hated that they were a little puffy and red, hated that he was probably the cause of her crying. Why was she crying?

"Because I'm scared," she said. Of course, he asked her out loud. Idiot.

"Of me? Princess, the last thing I want is to hurt you."

"Everyone I love gets hurt. I can't lose you too."

Bellamy reached up and cupped her cheek, making her look him straight in the eyes, "You're not going to lose me. a tragedy brought us together, do you really think I'm going to let another one be the catalyst that tears us apart?"

"You never said anything..." she shook her head looking down between them and Bellamy wished he could adjust himself in his boxers. He hasn't even touched her and he's ready to go.

"We were friends, Clarke, I couldn't exactly say anything until a tipping point."

"And me going on a date with Cillian was a tipping point?"

"You going on a date with anyone that wasn't me... yeah."

Clarke smirked, her fingers coming up and tangling themselves with the curls at the base of his neck and if he weren't already turned on beyond belief, that would be the impetus that got him there.

He dropped his hand from her cheek and it landed in the middle of her thigh, her eyes leaving his to the new place their bodies were connected. He lifted his other hand to her other thigh and rubbed a soft circle into her skin, his fingers moving up, closer to her hip one millimeter at a time. "Bellamy," she whined and he smirked.

"Yeah, baby?" he looked at her, pushing pure adoration through his eyes and into her skin, her muscles, her nerves, into her heart, he needed her to know that everything meant the world to him and he would literally be at her mercy for eternity, that he already was. He'd be whatever she wanted them to be as long as they were together.

"We're not making a mistake?"

"No."

"Can we take this slow?" she pressed her forehead against his and their breaths tangled, hers was spearmint and he felt at a disadvantage with the aftertaste of the beer he was finally allowed to have.

"Whatever the hell you want."

"I want to kiss you."

Bellamy smirked at that one, he couldn't help himself, she's so damn cute when she's nervous. "So kiss me."

Clarke huffed, hating being told what to do even though it's what she wanted and was her idea. "I love you too," she said and Bellamy broke, he was waiting for her to be ready, he wanted to go at her pace but hearing those words come out of her mouth in real life and not in his dreams was better than anything he could have ever imagined for it to not be real and he closed the gap between their lips, his hands reaching her waist and gripped her steady as he kissed her.

Her lips parted the moment his pressed against hers and Bellamy felt like he had to pull back, that if he took over and lost control of himself in the kiss that he'd scare her away because take it slow doesn't mean devour her mouth the moment she lets him kiss her. She doesn't let him pull away though, her fingers in his hair tugged when he tried and she took over, their tongues exploring each other's mouths and Clarke grinding her hips against his erection and he had to stop her there.

"What happened to taking it slow?"

"How hot would it be if we both came like this?" she challenged and Bellamy groaned.

"You're going to be the death of me."

He dropped his head back against the couch, looking up at Clarke in awe of everything that was her, his fingers traveled up underneath his sweatshirt and explored the soft skin of her lower back and stomach, causing her to twitch.

"Don't tickle me," she laughed.

"Why not? We're taking things slow, right? So that means, no grinding on me, not yet. Let me take you out first."

Clarke groaned but nodded, rolling off him and curling into his side. "What are you watching?"

"I have no clue, I declared my love for you two minutes in and contemplated my idiocy until you jumped me," he teased.

"Restart it, it looks interesting," she said and took his hand in hers twining their fingers.

"My kind of woman."

"I just like hearing your deep voice grumble."

Bellamy smirked, he didn't really care if she paid attention to the documentary, he just cared that she wanted to spend time with him doing something she didn't enjoy because he does, that's love.

"I wasn't crying over you," she said at some point after he growled about three things in the documentary.

"No?"

"My best friend, Wells, he died five years ago today and I forgot about it until you told me you were in love with me. I know that's weird, but he's the first person to tell me he loved me that wasn't my parents and it just hit me harder than I thought it would."

"Thank you for telling me. I know it's going to be raw whenever you decide to tell me the whole story, just know that I'm here for you, just like you've been here for me."


	37. Then I Need You Safe (Part 1)

Clarke hadn't seen Bellamy in six years. The last thing he said to her was "I'm a monster and you deserve better." She didn't disagree about her deserving better than a monster, that she knew, that she learned from Finn and Cage, but she didn't agree with Bellamy being a monster or that he didn't give her a chance to want supposed monster.

Six years was a long time, six years was finishing med school and residency and a year of fellowship at GUMC before talking to Doctors Without Borders and before Clarke even knew it, she was in Jordan birthing babies and vaccinating patients for smallpox and whatever else. She could barely think straight, but she loved helping these people. She loved bringing them the best care she possibly could.

The only thing she hated about it was that she couldn't stay. They had a three month rotation and hers was finishing up. She figured since she was already in Jordan, she might as well go to Egypt, see the sights, eat the food, think about how shitty the emperors were with slavery. She ate macaroni béchamel and koshari, she was a typical tourist and she'd just ordered a coffee from a little café when she caught him walk right in the door. He walked right past her without even looking but grimaced when he heard her whisper his name.

She wasn't afraid of him like he wanted her to be all those years ago, he was hardened since then, aged in a way that would make anyone in her position run but to her he looked good. He looked like the Bellamy that walked away with the added scruff of a beard she wouldn't have chosen for him yet still looked good.

He glanced up at the sound of his name but glanced over her and that hurt. If he felt half as much as she did six years ago, he couldn't have just forgotten about her. He couldn't have looked over her instead of making eye contact and pleasantries in such an odd place to run into each other for the first time in six years. Egypt.

"Bellamy?" she said a little louder and touched his bicep.

His eyes locked on hers and he shied away from her touch. "Can I help you?"

"It's Clarke, we—"

"That's impossible. Clarke's dead."

"I'm not," she sighed and she had a feeling she knew where this was going. He thought she was dead, how was his brain manipulated so much that any of his memories could construe into her being dead.

"I watched you—I saw..." Bellamy shook his head. She watched the conflicting thoughts and memories fly across his face before his wall went up and his face turned to emotionless stone. "Clarke is dead and Pike is fucking with me, finding a girl who looks so close to her. It's hilarious, really."

"September 2011; Georgetown, Virginia, Gregorian Library. It was late, nearly closing time and you were returning books to the shelves. I needed some book for a paper I was just assigned and you mocked me for an hour for mispronouncing the author's name. The next two months we did nothing but fight. We didn't talk from Thanksgiving To Christmas where we were at Raven's party and there was mistletoe hanging over the balcony door and I needed air and you were coming back in from a smoke and we froze, both looking up at the mistletoe and you growled, yelling at Raven before storming off.

"It wasn't like I wanted to kiss you either, I didn't. The fact that you were so vehemently against kissing me, hurt a lot and later when you offered to take me home, I pushed you away and stomped home in the freezing rain. You drove beside me with the window rolled down until I got in your truck and you drove me home. You stopped me as I was getting out and you told me you didn't want it to happen that way, that if you were going to kiss me for the first time, it wouldn't be forced between us. You used the word organic and I laughed at you because the thought of kissing you was so outlandish that I had to laugh. You hated it and I left and you followed me into my dorm and halfway up the flight of stairs I spun around to give my two sense but never got the chance because you were kissing me and I melted into you and for the next year we were amazing. Then you joined the army and I supported you even though I was scared shitless that you weren't coming back home to me. You asked me to marry you and while you were away something happened to you, I don't know what it was but you were different when you came home. You didn't even break up with me, Bellamy, you just left me with the statement 'I'm a monster and you deserve better.' I didn't die and you didn't hurt me with anything but those words. I'm your Clarke."

"Princess?" He said with utter disbelief and Clarke sighed. He remembered.

"Yeah, yeah," she smiled taking a small step closer to him. "It's me."

He pulled back, holding his hands up, "I can't do this, not again."

"What do you mean, you can't do this again?"

"Clarke, if you really care about me," he blinked as though the thought of hEr caring about him was implausible. "If you want to live, you're going to go home."

"What?"

"Go home. If this is real, if you're really Clarke, you'd go home before you get hurt."

"As you recall I don't do anything without knowing all the information so, Bellamy, why should I go home without knowing if I'm going to see you again?"

"Because Colonel Diyoza is arriving today and I need Clarke safe!" he told her through his teeth and under his breath. Colonel Diyoza, the deadliest person in the world and Bellamy knew her.

Clarke grimaced, choosing to ignore the fact that he knew Colonel Diyoza. "I am Clarke."

"Then I need you safe. Go home."

"Bellamy, please. Just... just promise you'll come home."

"If I do, I'm going to prison and I—"

"Bellamy, what have you done?"

He shook his head. "No. No, I—I can't tell the princess that."

Clarke's lip twitched. She's kinda missed the nickname but it wasn't the same, he didn't say "my princess" or used it as a pet name, just her identifier.

"I'll go back to North Carolina, but I need to know what you've done. I need to know so I can help you."

"What I've done... no one can help me."


	38. 38 Part 2

**HOLD IT, EVEN THOUGH IT KILLS YOU SLOWLY - PART 2**

* * *

It wasn't that being in America made Clarke anxious, but to an extent it did, all the shit going on in this country set her nerves on edge and though she worried about it when she was overseas, it wasn't as bad as it was when she was physically in the US.

She'd been there for three months and hadn't heard or seen Bellamy. Octavia's been MIA too and Clarke didn't feel like she could ask about that but Raven casually mentioned one night at the bar with all their college friends that she was in Indonesia looking for the man that killed her husband, the man that Bellamy thought was playing a trick on him in Egypt. Pike.

Clarke tried asking about it in the morning but Raven ignored Clarke's questions as she walked around the kitchen putting together items for the omelets she was about to make while muttering the ingredients and avidly telling Clarke about the guy she hooked up with from the bar, saying she really wanted to see him again because it was the best sex of her life.

It took her two years before realizing that Bellamy wasn't coming for her, that she wasted two years in an American hospital while she could have been helping women and children in war torn countries get the medical care they deserve.

She was at Logan International Airport in line to get onboard an Emirates flight to Dubai. She was with a bunch of other doctors going to help in Saudi Arabia when her phone started ringing, blocking the scanner for the airline employee to scan. Unknown Caller.

She hit decline and was about to have the barcode read when another call came through. Unknown Caller.

She sighed and answered the call, "Hello?"

"Don't get on the plane," Bellamy pleaded and Clarke grimaced.

"Why the hell not? You told me to go home and you'd come and tell me what you've done. It's been two years!"

"Don't get on the plane," he repeated and Clarke's getting angry.

"I don't listen to you, remember?"

"I'll come home. I promise I'll be there by the end of the week if you don't get on that plane."

"We've done this before and you bailed. How can I trust you?"

"Because I need to know that you didn't get on that plane. Seeing you would be my proof."

"And what exactly will that mean for you? You can't just call when it's convenient and—"

"I'm saving your life. If you leave for Dubai right now, you won't make it back home. You want to make it back home."

"If I don't see you by next Wednesday, I'm going to Dubai."

"Fine."

"Okay, I'm... I have to take a flight back home, I'm not going to Dubai but I'm not leaving the airport for a while."

"Good. I'll see you soon."

The line beeped telling her he hung up and she collapsed into the closest chair to the gate. Something was wrong and Clarke couldn't put her finger on it and Bellamy was involved.

Once she was back in her apartment with Raven, she couldn't sleep, she was constantly thinking about what could have gone wrong and when she went out to the kitchen the next morning, she found Raven hunched on the couch, elbows on her knees as she watched the TV.

"What's going on?" Clarke asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

"That plane you were supposed to be on... it's in the middle of the Atlantic."

"What?"

"Emirates 238, right? It went down in the middle of the Atlantic, no survivors and no black box to figure out what went wrong. I'm so glad you didn't go. Is that fucked up?"

"A little, but I..." Clarke shook her head trying to make sense of it all when she couldn't. Bellamy knew what was going to happen and he stopped her. How did he know that she was going to be there? How did he have her phone number to stop her from going and what the hell has he gotten himself mixed up in? "I'm glad I didn't go, I'm not happy that I didn't stop other doctors from going too. That whole plane was full of doctors, Raven."

"You're saying you could have stopped them?"

"I'm saying that Bellamy called me and told me not to get on the plane. He knew it was going to happen."

"He's an enemy of the state, Clarke, and he's calling you to save you? Why?"

"Maybe he still cares?" she shrugged, she didn't know why Bellamy kept saving her. She didn't have hope that that's what he was doing but there had to be some sort of reason that he kept saving her.

"Would you want him to if this is who he's become?"

"If he's saving me then he has morals still."

"Does it matter if he's only saving you?"

"I could have said something both times. I could have warned someone about the plane and told someone that Diyoza was coming to Cairo and I didn't. I'm just as much to blame as he is."

"No, Clarke, you're not! Bellamy knows right from wrong and if he knows what he's doing is wrong and hasn't done anything except save you, then he still cares about you but his loyalties are in question."

"I know! I just... I feel like I need to do something, that I need to help him and I don't know how." Clarke's frustration was building up and she could tell it was the same for Raven, if they kept this conversation going, they were bound to get into one of their weird fights where they don't speak to each other for months and just start up again over nothing, never bringing up what they argued about again.

"Maybe you can't."

Three days later she got a call from an unknown number and she answered immediately. "Bellamy?"

"...Consolidated Brig. Do you accept?"

"Yes."

There was a tone before she heard heavy breathing.

"Bellamy?"

"I won't be there. I promised a week and I won't..."

"Okay, that's okay. Just tell me what's happening."

"I turned myself in and I'll get out in three years if I help them track down Pike and Diyoza. I'm trying and I don't know how I'm going to track them but I'm going to. I want to come home, Clarke."

"Then bring them in."

"It's not that simple, I know where Pike is going to be but luring out Diyoza... that's a little more challenging."

"Do what you have to do, Bellamy."

"I may never see you again if I do this."

"I know."

"I need to tell you something."

"You believe I'm alive?"

Bellamy laughed and Clarke wanted nothing more than to revel in the sound but he's in military prison and she's scared for him. "It wasn't that I didn't believe that, it was that I had a reason to get out of my situation if I believed you were. I love you, Clarke. Or I loved who you were, it's still confusing. Please don't give up on me."

"You're going to have to tell me everything."

"I will. When I'm out and everything's okay, I'll tell you everything."

Clarke nodded, "You do know that Octavia is searching for Pike? She wants to kill him for killing Lincoln."

Bellamy sighed on the other end of the line, "I'll just have to get to him first."

"I should let you go do what you have to do."

"Yeah, it was really good seeing you two years ago," he said and Clarke laughed.

"Yeah, it was good seeing you too. Have you shaved?"

"A trim," he said with a relatively happy tone.

"The beard hides your jawline. It's sharp and perfect."

"I should go, Clarke."

"I know. I just miss hearing your voice."

"Me too baby. Me too."

They ended the call and Clarke busied herself with work. She apologized to Doctors Without Borders and they asked her to go to Mexico and as she was packing heard that they caught Diyoza and Pike was dead. Clarke smiled, knowing Bellamy did what he promised.

She went to Mexico and came back a year later and then went to Ecuador because Bellamy called and said he'd be another year. She couldn't visit him and she couldn't sit around in America waiting, not with how suffocating the politics were. She came back and picked him up from prison, being honorably discharged even though he was a war criminal—a war criminal with a conscience, kind of an oxymoron.

It was a long drive back to North Carolina and they had to stop for lunch. Bojangles was the only option for miles so she pulled in and they ordered, taking it out to her Jeep and sat on the rear bumper.

"Start talking," she said and Bellamy looked at her, shaggy hair, dark, tortured eyes, and stubble beyond belief. He still looked good, that would probably never change, but he was different and she tried not being afraid of what that meant.

"I can't."

"Classified, blah blah blah, tell me what isn't classified."

"I was trained as a sniper. Fifty-three confirmed kills during my first tour. I don't know if that's what got me in but I was thrown into an elite unit run by Pike. I thought it was by the book, I thought everything was good but after a few missions things felt off and he was taking calls in the middle of the night stateside and I started questioning things and that's why Lincoln died, he said that if I didn't stop asking questions, if I didn't stop digging, he'd go after you and Octavia. So I broke up with you thinking that I could spare you from getting hurt because of me, unlike Octavia who was already hurt and can't escape being my sister no matter how much she would like to.

"I think it was six months after I broke up with you, I was drunk most of the time, I couldn't remember, barely made the shots I was ordered to make. I was sloppy. Anyway, it was around six months after I broke up with you that I let a bystander get away, someone who could identify Pike as the assassin and that's why I thought you were dead. He killed Lincoln for questioning something, why shouldn't I believe that the picture of you was real?"

"Bellamy..."

"So I doubled down, I dug in deeper with them and didn't ask any questions. Diyoza started her terrorist thing and Pike wanted in on it, she was going to Cairo and after five years of not questioning him, Pike sent me and that's when I saw you after five years of believing you were dead."

"What'd you do then? You warned me to get out, but what else did you do? She blew up half of Rabat! Did you try to sabotage it? Did you try and stop the plane I was supposed to be on from going down?"

"I couldn't, Clarke. She didn't trust us yet. I didn't know the real details until I saw the news that was covering the amazing doctors flying from Boston to Dubai to help in Saudi Arabia. I saw you in the background and I... I had to call you and get you off the plane, I didn't know what plane it was going to be, I didn't know she was going to kill a plane full of doctors. After talking to you it made sense, she wanted to bring more despair into the world and killing hundreds of doctors... that's a lot of lost hope."

"So two years in military prison… was it worth it?"

"Bringing her to justice? Yes. Does the guilt of all those lives weigh on me and did I have PTSD because of it? Yes. Do I regret that it brought me here, back to you? No."

"Bellamy… you have a long way to go before I can trust you again. Raven's terrified that you're going to backslide and join some other terrorist group."

"I'm not a terrorist," he said, his eyes dropping to the ground, kicking a dirty food wrapper away from them. "I'm a soldier who gave his loyalty to the wrong Colonel."

"I still love you, okay? You don't have to give up on hope. You were honorably discharged after everything you've done, you can get a good job still."

"I don't want to be here."

Clarke grimaced, a fry pressed to her lips, "What?"

"America, I don't want to live here. I don't know if you've ever been to Vienna, but it's amazing and you're an American doctor, you can go to whatever country you want and get a job."

"I don't speak German, Bellamy.

"We can learn. You love to travel and it's so much easier going from country to country, the borders are open."

"Are you serious about this?"

"Clarke, I've had two years in an eight by eight to think about it. I'll stay here if you really want me to, but I'd rather go somewhere I don't know anyone, that I can make new friends and not have to worry about them finding out that I was classified as a terrorist for years."

"You aided terrorists, there's a difference. I know you have a conscience so there shouldn't be an excuse as to why you didn't turn either of them in."

"I see that now, it was all distorted back then, I'd just lost you and O was going after Pike without knowing it was Pike… I made a mistake and I paid my dues according to the US Military justice system."

Clarke sighed, dropping her head on Bellamy's shoulder next to her on the tailgate. She knew what she wanted and she knew what he wanted, it was about compromise and gaining trust now.

* * *

Two Years Later:

It'd been a year since Raven moved out and eleven months since Bellamy moved in. They're just friends, even with all the heated glances and arguments and cuddling, a lot of cuddling. Clarke knew that there was something between them and that it was going to have to change at some point because there could be potential resentment if they don't do something.

That's exactly what she's doing though, she went and applied to hospitals over in Europe and she got a call today about getting the job after many interviews in the conference room of her hospital.

"Bellamy?" she called through the apartment when she got home.

He was usually on the couch watching something on Netflix that he had to catch up on or already starting dinner but he was nowhere in sight and she hoped he was in his room because the place hasn't been empty when she's gotten home like this since Bellamy moved in.

Moving down the hall to his ajar door, she heard the tapping of keys on a keyboard and smiled at the thought of Bellamy doing something productive since becoming a civilian again. She stepped into the room and walked up behind him, how didn't his floor creek? Hers moaned and groaned in her bedroom and it was annoying.

Standing behind him, she learned too quickly about what he's done in the name of their country. He was writing about the war, about Pike's manipulations and plans to join Diyoza's ranks. She didn't want to read about that, he murmured enough about it in her ear while cuddling and he probably thought she was asleep. She hastily went back to the door and leaned against the frame before knocking.

"Hey," he smiled, turning around in his chair. "What time is it?"

"Six."

"Shit, I lost track of time. Dinner should be ready in thirty if you wanted to shower first."

Clarke smiled, watching Bellamy stand and stretch out his back and shoulders from being hunched over his computer.

"Okay," she nodded and stepped back so Bellamy could walk past her and to the kitchen. "How do you feel about Amsterdam?" She blurted as he was halfway down the gap to the kitchen.

"What?" he turned around and grimaced as Clarke took a step closer.

"You said Vienna two years ago, but I was just offered a job in Amsterdam."

"What? When did you apply to hospitals in Europe?"

"Two years ago. I figured, getting out of America as quickly as possible wasn't a horrible idea," she shrugged.

"Amsterdam," Bellamy repeated in awe of it all as Clarke stopped within arms length.

"Is that a yes?"

"That's a hell yes."

Clarke smiled and saw the look in Bellamy's eyes, if she weren't so scared of getting hurt again, she'd have kissed him. Of course he saw the thought cross over her face because he grimaced, his face full of pain.

"I'm never going to hurt you. At least not intentionally. Are you ever going to believe that?"

"I'm trying. I trust you with my thoughts, with my life, with my space, my body," she uttered quietly. "I gave you my heart before and you demolished it."

"That was different, I was protecting you and this would be preserving us."

"And I see what you mean with that, I do. I think getting away from Raven and Murphy would help me with that, not have their opinions cloud me and what I want."

"What do you want?"

"Amsterdam. With you."

Bellamy smiled and it wasn't the first time he's smiled since getting out but it was the first one to reach his eyes. She knew adding him into it was the factor, she's thinking about a future with him, she had a future with him before he broke up with her. Getting back into that mindset, of thinking about their future was easier than she wanted to admit. She loved him and didn't want to part from him but that doesn't mean she ready to be with him.

Her growling stomach interrupted them and Bellamy's smile turned into a laugh, "I'll get dinner started."

He turned back around and headed into the kitchen. That she could really get used to, Bellamy cooking dinner every night. Them together in Amsterdam, they could be anybody.

Thirty minutes later, Bellamy was serving dinner and Clarke smiled at the chicken enchiladas on her plate when he placed it in front of her. They smelled amazing. The Spanish rice on the side was a nice touch considering she couldn't take the heat of his enchiladas.

"This looks so good!"

Bellamy didn't say anything and Clarke watched as he tried thinking about how to tell her whatever was on his mind.

"I'm writing a book, a sort of memoir, a little embellished and I want to publish it. Maybe being in Amsterdam will keep me from getting in trouble with the government here. I don't know if what I write will get me in trouble, but I need to speak my truth."

"I get that, Bellamy. I do, but what is that going to help? What point are you trying to prove with sharing this with the world? Do you know what story you want to tell?"

"Mine. Losing my sister after Lincoln, giving you up to protect you… blindly trusting Pike… it's about all of it, but especially coming back to you."

"And trying with Octavia."

"Of course. Do you not want me to make it about you?"

"It shouldn't be about me, it should be about your journey and how you came out of it, the lessons you learned. Not the love you found in the process."

Bellamy nodded.

* * *

One Year Later:

"Babe! The caterer is here, where are you?"

Clarke fixed the line of lipstick on her bottom lip and checked the lines of her eyeliner one more time before heading out to the living room.

"Right here," she snaked her arms around Bellamy's waist and he grabbed her wrists at his abdomen.

"Hey, gorgeous, how was work?"

Clarke shrugged, kissing Bellamy's blazer clad shoulder. "Another day trying to cure cancer. Are you nervous?" she asked, knowing he would never tell her the truth if she was looking him in the eyes.

"America already banned it. They allow people like Orson Scott Card and James Frey."

"You're in the same boat as James Frey," Clarke noted and Bellamy looked at her over his shoulder.

"I know, but at least I'm owning it and saying the events were exaggerated."

"Good. Have I told you how proud I am of you?"

Bellamy spun around fully and wrapped his arms around her and she snuggled into his chest. "Not today. Thank you."

"What about… I love you?"

"I don't think you've ever told me that so blatantly."

"Bellamy Blake, I have been in love with you for nine years. This is the first time I could tell you."

"You're so corny, I love you too. I also plan on marrying you."

"Good cause I'm not going anywhere."

Bellamy leaned down and kissed her like it was their second first kiss, waiting to gauge her response before diving in, kissing her hot and dirty, completely forgetting the caterers in the kitchen.


	39. Start with Tonight

When Clarke got home, Bellamy was loading the fridge, it wasn't uncommon of him to do, but her catching him... this is the first time in the ten years she's known him that she caught him doing it. Wait, that's not exactly true, there were the four years of high school that she barely tolerated him, the two years of college that they were friendly enough when their mutual friends made plans that they didn't always wind up getting kicked out of the place because they wound up causing a scene and then the ten years since then and those were the ones she was referring to. Granted, they rented a huge house just off campus with said mutual friends the first two of those years so it was almost everyone except Clarke that kept the kitchen stocked (she was really not good about food unless it was already made for her or smoothies. She can make smoothies.)

"You don't have to do that," she said, taking a seat at the island bar.

Bellamy scoffed, "You suddenly learned how to buy groceries for yourself when they don't come out of the freezer aisle of a convenience store?"

"At least pass me the wine."

"I was running late today," he explained passing her the masciarelli montepulciano on the counter.

"It's not my business anymore." Clarke grabbed a wine glass from the dishwasher she had yet to unload from three days ago. "Just like it isn't your job to take care of me anymore."

"That doesn't mean I'm just going to stop caring about you."

"It should. It was your idea, you started going through the motions and blindsided me."

"We're not having this argument again," he said slamming the carton of milk in his hand onto the counter.

"If you were happy with the outcome, you wouldn't be here giving me groceries. Let me guess, you brought a vegetarian lasagna too and it's in the freezer?"

"Goddammit Clarke! I care about you! I care if you die! I care if you give yourself a heart attack from ramen and Chinese food! I am not the bad guy here!"

Ignoring his inaccurate sodium knowledge, Clarke fought back with what hurt her the most. "No, you're just the one who left."

"You didn't seem to care when it was happening, don't pretend to now."

"I always cared!"

"When? When we didn't have sex for a year? When kissing me hello and goodbye turned into a chore? When did you care, Clarke? Because all I remember from the last four years was you working and sleeping."

Clarke blinked, trying to think about the last time they had sex, and the last time where she didn't feel obligated to kiss him when she walked through the front door. How could she love someone so much and be so numb to everything that's been going on? "I love you," she said, the only words that seemed to mean anything anymore. The only thing that felt real.

"Do you? I don't mean that the way you think I do, I'm being serious though. Do you know what loving someone means?"

"I thought so, but maybe I don't anymore."

Bellamy sighed. "I still love you, Clarke, you're still the person that I fell in love with, but the way you treated me, the way that I've felt the last few years, it wasn't good and that's why I left. It's why I asked for a divorce, but if you still want this... if you still want me, you have to show it, you have to fight for it."

"What do you want me to do?"

"That's not how this works, Clarke. You put in the effort, you try and you don't stop trying. Not until I tell you to."

"That doesn't seem fair."

"I'll only tell you to stop if I'm with someone else because you didn't try. I don't want that, but it's a possibility because I need to move on if I can't have you."

"I'm yours. I just have to figure out what changed."

"The hospital," he said without emotion. He didn't have to elaborate, she knew what he meant. She was working too hard, she's seen too much real life to get excited about doing anything. It wasn't her dream to become a surgeon and yet she picked it because it was the safe choice financially. Bellamy was a college professor, he wasn't rolling in it either, not when they were both paying off student loans and now a mortgage on a house he doesn't even live in anymore. A house he picked out and furnished that Clarke didn't care about but he gave it to her anyway because he still cared about her, he still loved her. So what did that say about her?

"You want me to quit?"

"I want you to be happy. And the way that you've been... that's not happy, at least you don't look happy to me."

That's fair, she wasn't happy and it started with her job and it ended with Bellamy leaving.

"I should go."

"Stay."

"Clarke..."

"Stay. Just tonight, please? I miss you."

"You should have thought about that sooner."

"Please, Bellamy, I'm going to try but how will you know if you leave?"

"One night together isn't going to change anything."

Clarke swallowed, "I know, but don't you want to stay? Don't you want to lay with me?"

"That's not fair," Bellamy gritted his teeth. She didn't think he would get this angry.

"Neither is divorcing me without talking to me first!"

"I tried! God, Clarke, I tried so damn hard and you didn't... you didn't see it at all. You didn't see me."

Clarke sighed, she wasn't defeated, she just hated that he was right, she was so busy working that she didn't pay any attention to her loving and supportive husband. He loved her paintings and art and she hadn't been doing any of that since their wedding, since she became a doctor that she really understood his perspective and he was right. She wasn't happy and that was all he wanted for her.

"Stay tonight, stay forever and let me prove to you that I'm going to change, that I'm hearing you and that I want to change too."

"We can start with tonight."


	40. Love Your Body More than My Own (Part 1)

**LOVE YOUR BODY MORE THAN MY OWN - PART 1**

Getting Clarke pregnant was easy, it was something Bellamy would do for any friend that wanted to be a mom and had the financial stability to do it and asked him to impregnate them. They were still friends and roommates and he was still going to be in the kid's life, he just wouldn't be called Dad and, yeah, he did have to sit on that and stew over it for a day or two but he knew without a shadow of a doubt that Clarke could be a mother and a father to a kid without going to pills and alcohol like Raven's mom or questionable sexual partners like his mother. He knew that Clarke was well rounded and well-adjusted to societal norms better than any other millennial he knew. She even used the proper pronouns for Bryan and Emori when the rest of them were struggling with using they and them for a singular person. Bellamy slipped up once so far this year and he's kicking himself over it, even though Emori didn't mind, he was still annoyed with himself months later over it.

It wasn't that Bellamy would have said no to having sex with Clarke (he definitely wouldn't have), it was just more clinical and clean-cut having him ejaculate into a cup in the bathroom and having her inject that into herself thirty seconds later and lie upside down in their bathtub for a half-hour for the four days she's ovulating. Bellamy knew having sex with Clarke would have complicated their friendship and was glad when he found out how clinical she was going to have the process be.

Thinking of being "Uncle Bellamy" forever because all his girlfriends left him for whatever reason wasn't something Bellamy liked thinking about. It wasn't as though he intentionally pushed them away or asked Clarke to let him be the father, he knew that she wanted to do this on her own and he couldn't be a dick and say no.

He also shouldn't ask her to bear a child for him in return, that's completely inappropriate.

Of course, Raven and Octavia knew that Clarke was planning on becoming a mother but when they were all at Monty and Harper's for game night when she was finally—and he meant finally—pregnant and enough months along that she was sure she wasn't going to miscarry, they asked what the father looked like and Clarke grimaced, hating that they had to be like that because there isn't going to be a father, that's not what Bellamy is. He's Uncle Bellamy, he also just happened to be the sperm donor. Though when she said that it was Bellamy... that was a big fight between Clarke and Octavia that Bellamy didn't know how to separate or end and neither spoke to the other until the actual birth a few months later and they acted like nothing happened. Octavia was even in the room for the birth, unlike Bellamy.

He repeated the words in his head for probably the billionth time, he's not the father.

Holding the little girl that was identical to him and Octavia as babies, Bellamy reiterated that just because they lived in the same apartment, and he'd likely be helping Clarke more than a typical uncle would usually, he wasn't the father.

"Are you ever going to tell her how you feel?" Octavia said on the take-out run. Clarke's been craving Thai for months but couldn't have some ingredient that was in her food until the baby was born so she asked for Bellamy to get her some Thai.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're in love with Clarke and have been for years." A cold, hard statement that should have pissed Bellamy off but his sister's opinion of him and Clarke was always more than what it actually was (and he might still be flying on cloud nine from holding his-Clarke's-daughter).

Bellamy scoffed, he should have seen this coming since she found out that Bellamy was the father. And it wasn't that Bellamy was in love with Clarke per se. He loved her, sure, but he's not in love with her and maybe he could be if he knew that there was a possibility of more but there wasn't. She's the mother of his child, his child that will only know him as Uncle Bellamy and he's fine with that.

Really, he's fine.

* * *

Lyra was four months old before Bellamy nearly broke. Of course, he didn't have a say in her name and Bellamy wanted to ask Clarke countless times why she chose Lyra, hoping it was the reason he thought it was but stayed quiet about it.

He nearly broke when he walked into the apartment to find Clarke pumping in the living room when he came home from work. Lyra was likely sleeping so Clarke couldn't feed her so she was pumping and it wasn't as though Bellamy didn't know that she did that, he heard the hum of the pump through his door while grading or while he was cooking them dinner in the kitchen and she was somewhere else in the apartment. He'd never actually seen her doing it or breastfeeding Lyra with him in the room.

It wasn't like Bellamy ached to know what his daughter—niece, fuck—was drinking. He knew breastfeeding was better than baby formula for a multitude of reasons but it wasn't something he was desperate to taste himself. Until he walked in the door of their apartment to find Clarke's bare chest being sucked empty by a machine.

"Um... hey," he said after unfreezing and turned around to take off his Oxfords and drop his messenger bag on the bench next to the door. He didn't want her to think he was ogling her, even though he momentarily was.

"Is it four already? I must have lost track of time. Give me a minute to clean up and—"

"Take your time, I'm a little early today and I was thinking of going to the gym so I'll just go change."

"You haven't been to the gym since Lyra was born."

Before that even, Bellamy corrected. He knew he shouldn't have helped Clarke with her cravings when she was pregnant but he did and because he wanted to be there to help her so he didn't go to the gym. He got her pregnant and even though it technically wasn't his responsibility, he wanted to be there for her and get her whatever she craved whenever she craved it.

"I, uh, I know, I wanted to be helpful."

"You have. You've been more than helpful and I don't know how I could ever repay you for it all."

"No need, we're friends and that's what friends do."

"Yeah, well, I need to be a better friend to you then."

"You're my best friend, there's no competition."

"You can turn around. I shouldn't be doing this in the common area. I'm sorry."

"I don't... I don't mind," he turned around and looked at Clarke. The pump was on the coffee table and her shirt was back on properly. "I just wasn't expecting it."

"Yeah, I lost track of time and I had just gotten her down when they started hurting and I had to pump."

"It's fine, Clarke. I wouldn't tell you it was if it wasn't."

"Right, I was thinking about something and I wanted to discuss it with you today but you should go to the gym." She smirked before adding, "You're losing some definition, are the teenagers still fawning over you?"

Bellamy smirked, kind of loving how she doesn't specify gender anymore. They're the cool, gender fluid positive elder millennials. It took them time to call people the proper pronouns and now its second nature.

"I don't think the definition has anything to do with it."

"You have your sleeves rolled up like that every day, it has a lot to do with the definition."

Bellamy rolled his eyes. "I'll be back in an hour. I'll bring some Thai with me."

"You're a godsend!" she whisper-yelled and Bellamy smiled, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head on his way to his room.

* * *

"So you wanted to talk to me about something?" Bellamy asked eating a piece of cauliflower while Clarke slurped her noodles. Lyra laid in her little rocker that now sat on the floor between them. If he was in a movie, he'd see the imagery as an intentional distance that Clarke made with that move, but he knew better. Or so he thought...

"Yeah, I was thinking and right now it's fine, but when Lyra's older, she's going to need her own room. Learn to sleep on her own and to do that, we're going to need more room," she grimaced, looking at her plate the entire time and Bellamy knew that she was asking him to move out so Lyra could have her own room. It's only fair.

"Uh, I can start looking for an apartment, there's no reason you shouldn't stay here and—"

Clarke's eyes shot up to his and grimaced. "Bellamy, I was…" she licked the soy sauce dripping from the corner of her mouth. "I was thinking a three-bedroom. You've been so helpful with her and I'd obviously pay the extra rent."

"You still want me to live with you and Lyra?"

"Why not? Unless you're uncomfortable..."

"No, no. That's not... If I stick around and help you raise her, she's going to think I'm more than just 'Uncle Bellamy'."

"You're her dad."

"I'm not, that's not the deal we made."

"It wasn't a deal. I want to be a mom and I would have either gotten pregnant or adopted. I didn't want some random guy's seed, I wanted someone I knew wouldn't run away the second I was pregnant and I wouldn't be able to say that 'Daddy didn't love Mommy' or 'Daddy didn't want to be a part of us.' I wanted to say, 'Uncle Bell is your dad. He doesn't love Mommy like your friends' moms and dads do but he does love us and he won't leave us.'"

"That's fucked up, Clarke. You… you used my father's absence against me."

"That's not true, Bellamy. I knew you were going to be in my life forever regardless of me having your baby. Lyra shouldn't change that."

"This is still manipulating me," he spat and he really didn't know why he was so angry. It was true, his friendship with Clarke wasn't one that he would easily walk away from. He couldn't find the amount of understanding and respect from anyone else in his life, not Octavia who's known him her entire life, not Miller his best friend. Not even Echo, his longest relationship to date, not that that mattered in the end, choosing to give Clarke his sperm for her pregnancy was the last straw in Echo's eyes. She knew what she was getting into with Bellamy, how close he was to Clarke, how deep their friendship was, she should have known that Bellamy would have done it regardless of anyone else's opinion on the matter.

"That's not how I meant it."

"I know that," Bellamy sighed. "And that's why it hurts so much." He stood, knowing that it was possibly the wrong thing to do since it was his unofficial night to wake up with Lyra. "I'm going to Miller's, I might not be back 'til morning."

"Bellamy, I'm sorry. I still…"

Love you.

"I know, me too," he grimaced. He loves her, he's always going to love her, but that doesn't mean that he can pretend her actions never hurt him.

* * *

"You're in love with her," Miller said after Bellamy's long rant about everything Clarke just confessed. (Was that a confession?)

"No, I love her, but I'm not in love with her."

"This wouldn't hurt you so much if you weren't in love with her."

"So if Bryan came to you and asked you to impregnate his surrogate because his sperm can't and you come to find out that his sperm is fine and he only asked you as a safeguard to keep you in his life, you wouldn't be mad?"

"I'd be furious! We were a shit couple but we're best friends and Eric would hate for me to ever admit that I love him but I do. I'm in love with Eric, but I probably have that same love for Bryan that you do for Clarke. The only difference is that I would talk to Eric about it first, I wouldn't have made the decision without talking to him."

"If you're referring to Echo, I did. She told me to do what I felt was right and making Clarke happy felt right."

"Of course it did, but you making Clarke happy upset Echo and that's what you didn't think about. This isn't about Echo though, this is about you and Clarke always gravitating towards being more and then pushing each other away. You're like magnets that don't keep their polarity."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Yeah, well, you and Clarke not being together doesn't make sense either," Miller countered and maybe he had a point, but that didn't mean that Bellamy would forgive Clarke for a while.

* * *

It did in fact mean that Clarke was openly breastfeeding and pumping milk for Lyra in front of Bellamy. He said he was okay with it and he was but maybe Clarke should have eased into showing Bellamy her breasts three to five times a day. To Bellamy, breasts meant sex and it wasn't that he wasn't attracted to Clarke, but he couldn't exactly stop his cock from getting hard every time she whipped them out and whether it was Lyra who latched on or the pumps, Bellamy couldn't help but be transfixed by the whole thing. By Clarke's maternal beauty.

It was three months before Clarke acknowledged Bellamy's fixation.

"I know what you're doing."

Bellamy's eyes jump up to meet hers, his book falling completely out of his lap. Fuck, he couldn't even control himself with the cover of reading a book across from her, it was getting so bad.

"What?"

"You think I haven't noticed you watching me feed her? Pumping? What do you like more? My breasts or the milk?"

"I don't… uh…" Bellamy licked his lips with a crinkle in his brow. He didn't know what to say to her.

"Do you want to taste?" her brow quirked and Bellamy immediately knew it was a test. It was just like her to do this, test him with something he shouldn't want but did. It was how he wound up dating Gina for three months all those years ago.

"Fuck you."

"You turned that down sixteen months ago."

"You're such an asshole. No wonder you and Murphy get along so well."

Clarke yanked the pump off her breast and it made a satisfying POP that Bellamy usually liked hearing but this was different. This was Clarke goading him. "Maybe, but this offer's only good for another ten seconds."

Bellamy shook his head and stood with the full intention of going to his room to read, but the next thing he knew, he was in front of Clarke.

"Be a good boy and lay down."

Okay, her giving command was admittedly hot but also set Bellamy on edge, he didn't know what he was doing. Maybe he thought that getting some time with her breasts in his face would have them lose their power, their hold over him whenever she pulled them out of her nursing bra. Maybe he was just that desperate for female affection that he'd be desperate enough to go to his best friend for it, knowing the consequences were falling in love with her instead of remaining platonic soulmates. That's definitely a thing.

Bellamy did what she said though and laid down with his head in her lap, her breasts just above his head and he looked at the TV that was playing British Bake Off on mute.

Clarke's fingers delve into his hair and Bellamy muffled back a groan, it felt so good. Bellamy's mind flashed to a place it shouldn't have gone, at least not with Clarke…

To a place where she tasted like heaven and sin and the lust was reciprocated and not a fucking game. To a place where sinking inside her was eternal. To that happy place inside his heart that he locked tight and never let show because she's his best friend and anything else could ruin them.

"You want a taste?" she asked, raking her nails against his scalp.

"Stop it," he groaned, talking about the teasing, not the mothering because he needed that. He didn't get that with his own mother and he needed it desperately from somewhere.

"Look at me."

Bellamy tightened his jaw, desperate to get out of this situation, knowing that there was nothing he could do because he loved being where he was.

"Be a good boy and look at me," she practically growled the demand and Bellamy couldn't help but look up into her piercing blue eyes. "There he is. Come on, baby, taste it."

"Clarke…"

"I want you to. Don't you want to know what Lyra's tasting?"

"This is so fucked up," Bellamy grimaced, tearing his eyes from hers.

"Do you want to know, Bellamy?" his name sounded heavenly making him wonder the reality of the situation.

"Yes," he finally admitted.

"Go ahead, baby. I got you."

He leaned up, his lips parting and so, so close to her perky pink nipples and pebbled areola when he jumped at the sound of Lyra's cry. "I'll get her," he said, standing up and left the room.

Walking into Clarke's room and to the crib where his daughter's—niece—eyes were starting to darken to the safe of his deep chocolate ones.

"Thanks for saving me. I don't know if I could have come back from that," Bellamy told little Lyra as he picked her up and she stopped crying instantly like she knew that he was her father. "I love you, and I hope one day when you ask who your dad is that you won't be disappointed in me."

Bellamy kissed Lyra's forehead and she cooed, her tired eyes blinking up at him before fading back into sleep. Bellamy sat on the edge of Clarke's bed just holding her. How could he have agreed to not be her father?


	41. Leave Her Wild (Part 2)

**6 Years Later**

Lyra skipped into the apartment and bound into Bellamy's legs, wrapping her little arms around him before he could even turn around to welcome her home.

"Hey, Lemur. How was school?" he tickled her neck and she giggled as she looked up at him like he was the best person in her life. maybe he was, but she'll never get the truth about who he is to her and that always dampened his thoughts about his niece-he's gotten better over the last five years.

"Fun! I learned how to write a sentence!"

"You did? What kind of sentence?" Bellamy lifted Lyra onto his hip so he could continue cooking while talking about her ultra exciting day.

"Anything! I know there's always a subject and a verb."

"Okay and what does 'I love you' have?" he asked, bopping her nose before focusing back on the meat sauce.

"That has TWO subjects!" she squirmed and Bellamy was glad he still went to the gym so he could hold her steady on his hip while she squirmed, otherwise he would have dropped her.

"It does," Bellamy smiled.

"Do you love Mommy?"

The question caught him off guard and Bellamy needed a moment to wrap his head around it and of course, as though on cue, Clarke walked in with her arms not only full of groceries, but her briefcase, purse, and Lyra's backpack. "Of course, I love Mommy, she's my best friend."

"Why don't you two sleep in the same bed?"

"Um, what do you mean?" Bellamy grimaced, watching Clarke expertly set her bags and Lyra's down on the bench without dropping a single thing out of the grocery bags.

"Rachel's mommy and daddy sleep together, so do Marci's daddies and Hannah's mommies too. Why don't you and Mommy."

"Bell-bee and I aren't like them, Starlight," Clarke said, dropping the groceries on the counter.

"We're a family though."

"Yes, we are," Bellamy said without looking at Clarke. He could barely look at her since that night six years ago. A detrimental cataclysm to their relationship, though neither of them acknowledged it happened or that anything had changed. They're stubborn like that.

"But you two don't sleep together?"

"Not all families are the same, baby," Clarke said taking Lyra from Bellamy. "That doesn't make them any less special or familiar."

"But you and Bell-bee love each other."

"Not the way that your friends' mommies and daddies love each other."

"Bell-bee? Do you love Mommy?" Lyra asked in a sad voice Bellamy had never heard before and he whipped his head around to look at her and Clarke, both of them with too expectant looks on their faces.

"Of course."

"Do you love her like a daddy loves a mommy?"

Bellamy looked to Clarke and he maybe shouldn't be so honest in front of their daughter—her daughter—but he couldn't help the honest word that came out of his mouth. "Yes."

"Bellamy." her voice was cold and hard and he knew he shouldn't have said anything, but the secret has been eating away at him for far too long and now he's angry.

"Why else would I stay, Clarke?" he nearly spat and looked to Lyra's jolted face.

"Don't you dare, Bellamy. Don't you dare say that you never would have stayed without this incentive."

"You want my honest opinion, right now? After that night, we haven't been the same and I've been so tempted to leave but Lyra…" Bellamy swallowed, knowing how watery his eyes are and using it to fuel his honesty. "She's everything to me."

"What does that make me?"

"Her mother, who I love and who has the power to ruin me and you nearly did six years ago!"

"You were following me around like a puppy, I thought you'd stop once I gave you what you wanted."

"I didn't want that! I wanted…" you. Just you. His eyes shot to Lyra, "I want the truth about her name."

"You already know," Clarke told him, her voice cracking and suddenly, Bellamy felt twenty-four again.

The music was so loud, even escaping the party and climbing onto the roof, didn't dull the bass or Taio Cruz belting out his new single. Bellamy wished that the party would just end so he could go downstairs to his bedroom and just sleep.

He took a drag from his cigarette before drinking some beer when he heard a shuffle by the window behind him.

"Seems like I'm not the only one that was looking for an escape."

"At least you have a date though, Princess." How did he know it was Clarke just by her voice?

"And his girlfriend showed up, isn't that wonderful?"

He stomped out the cigarette on the tar roof and flicked it over the edge."I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I wasn't that invested," she sighed, settling in next to him.

Bellamy smirked, "The telltale sign that you weren't meant to be."

"Don't tell me you believe in destiny?"

"Only when it manifests," he quipped, hoping she got the reference. He vaguely heard Octavia mention that Clarke sucked at history.

"Manifest Destiny, you are a nerd. Let me guess, you didn't just come up here to get away from the party, you came to stargaze too."

Bellamy offered her a lukewarm beer from the six-pack he brought up with him, some local IPA he randomly picked and wasn't half bad. "Considering I'm a Classics major, I need to know astronomy too, it's the best way to study on a nice clear night like tonight."

"Okay then," she said taking the beer from him and twisted the top off with ease. "Prove it. Point out a constellation that I wouldn't know."

"Okay, find Ursa minor."

"The little dipper, right?"

"Yes." It took a moment before she confirmed that she found it and Bellamy pressed on. "Look down about two or three inches, past Cassiopeia and there's Perseus."

"Perseus? The guy that killed Medusa?"

"Beheaded, yeah." Octavia thinks Clarke sucks at history? She's been spot on so far tonight.

"He has his own constellation?"

"Hercules, too."

"Really?"

"Of course. This is Greek mythology we're talking about, Griffin."

"Okay, so Perseus constellation. What does it exactly look like?"

"It's too complicated, I can show you inside later if you're still interested. Anyway, that star right there," Bellamy leaned closer to her so he could show her exactly where to look. "That's Algol, it's an eclipsing binary system, it's two stars in one circling each other and because of that, it has many legends attached to it due to it's variability to the naked eye. It's not the only binary in Perseus, there's X Persei which contains a neutron star."

"You know your stars."

"Look to the other side of the horizon, past Cassiopeia and Cepheus, Cygnus is a little too north. There's Lyra, the lyre made by Hermes out of a tortoise shell for Apollo and played by Orpheus. It's the first lyre ever made and Orpheus played it so well that it charmed inanimate objects and quelled the Sirens' voices. It's most prominent star is Vega, also known as the second brightest star in the northern hemisphere. It was the second star to ever be photographed, after the sun, and was called 'arguably the next most important star in the sky after the sun.'"

"It's possible that you're studying the best major for your intelligence."

"Arguably," he smirked, and looked at Clarke, she's epically beautiful. That beauty that could start wars and end poverty. Though he actively ended the promiscuous part of his life, looking to settle down, he still noticed gorgeous women and wished he wanted more than a family. He's twenty-four, about to graduate college and he wanted to settle down. Lead a long and happy life, raise children and mow the lawn of a house he and his spouse couldn't afford but tried their damn hardest to pay the mortgage and keep their children happy and not wanting for anything too extraneous.

"Yeah, I do know. It's a shitty reminder of everything I lost giving in to you for the millionth time in the years that I've known you," Bellamy said, knowing exactly what saying that would do to Clarke but he also needed to finally speak his truth, it's been ten years of knowing and loving Clarke Griffin while being her sideshow.

"Is that how you really feel?" Clarke asked, holding onto Lyra like a life preserver out in the middle of the ocean drifting further and further out to sea.

"How I really feel? The night you got her name… I knew you were going to ruin me; that I'd be helpless against you and you've proved me right every day since. I wanted a family, Clarke. I decided that before I met you and ever since I met you, I've gotten further and further from being a father, from starting a family because all my girlfriends were jealous of you. Jealous that you got all my attention. I don't know how it took me this long to finally say something. How it took me seven years to tell you that I want a bigger part in Lyra's life, but here I am asking that of you, knowing you're going to turn me down."

"Why would I do that after you basically just told me that you hate me?"

"That's the furthest from the truth, I don't hate you, I just hate how I do everything in my power to please you and it's never enough. I will never be enough for you and I can't keep trying when you don't."

"So what are you saying?"

"Right now I don't know. Ask me again tomorrow."

"Mommy?" Lyra said and Bellamy looked at his baby, finding tears in her eyes. He fucking lost his daughter too.

* * *

A week later, with an apartment leased in his name (and Miller calling him an idiot for the hundredth time), Bellamy moved out of Clarke's condo. With the last of his boxes in hand, he looked back at Lyra playing with her Legos in the middle of the living room. His heart completely breaking at the thought of never seeing her again, maybe after some time he and Clarke could be friends and maybe he could see Lyra a few times a week, even once would be enough, he didn't want to be greedy. She was a part of him and always will be, he's leaving his heart in this apartment with his little girl and his princess.

"Baby, come here," he said dropping to his knees.

Lyra looked up at him with her sad eyes and stood, running over to him. "Will I see you again?" she asked, her arms tightening impossibly tighter around his neck.

"I don't know, baby. That's up to your mom, but just know that I will always love you and if you're ever thinking about me or missing me, just know that I'm thinking about you and missing you too, okay? I love you."

"I love you too, Daddy," she said with intention.

She'll never know… Bellamy broke, letting his tears fall onto the shoulder of his little girl's dusky pink dress.

Wiping them away before pulling away from her, he held her shoulders so she wouldn't move away. He needed one last look at her if this was goodbye forever.

"I'm always going to be here for you," he promised, really hoping that he never had to break it to her.

Clarke stepped into the living room and Bellamy's eyes darted to her for a moment before focusing back on Lyra. She looked pissed, but what else was new?

Bellamy kissed Lyra's forehead before picking up the last box. He stood and looked at Clarke, nodding once before turning to leave. There was nothing else that needed to be said between them.


	42. 42 Part 3

**MAYBE IT WAS BOTH OF US, MAYBE WE WERE BOTH THE PROBLEM - PART 3**

* * *

 **6 More Years Later:**

Bellamy knew. He undoubtedly, unequivocally _knew_ that the day he moved out of the apartment wasn't going to be the last time in his life that he'd see her, he figured they'd walk into each other at the grocery store or see each other across the room at a bar. Or something else equally cliché.

It wasn't as though he didn't look her up on social media to find out how Lyra was doing, he knew she was beautiful, just like her mother, that she loved playing soccer, like he did, and won a state poetry contest last year. Okay, maybe he followed Clarke on Instagram and turned notifications on, maybe he wants to know how his daughter is. And yes, he's been referring to her as his daughter.

It was that he didn't think in the six years of not seeing each other would come to an end the way that it did, not that he was complaining that it ended, just that he had gotten back together with Echo three years ago and they were in a good place, a stable place and with Clarke and Lyra back, Bellamy didn't think that it would remain that way.

"Bellamy?" He heard a too young voice call in the hall and he maybe froze, he maybe wished that the school district wasn't keen on transferring tenured teachers whenever it was convenient and he's now an eighth-grade history and health teacher. It's new and different and he had to pull back the reins from the high school lessons he taught and that was disconcerting for him, the kids not having the same in-depth likings of their future teenage selves.

He turned around and found Lyra, beautiful, hazel eyes and highlighted chestnut-haired Lyra. His daughter stood in front of him and he didn't know what to do.

"You have a beard," she said and grimaced, shifting the messenger bag on her shoulder.

"Uh, yeah. I forgot to shave for a few weeks four years ago and it just stuck around ever since. You're, uh, in seventh grade, right?"

"Eighth. I skipped second grade. After… I was just trying to make Mom happy. All I knew was that she liked when I got good grades so I did. I learned about the dance parties and angry painting and the gun range a few years ago."

Eighth grade… he should really look at his roster before the first day.

"Wow. That's… I bet she's proud of you."

"She is."

"Did she tell you anything about me? About why I left?"

"Not about why you left, but she talks about you all the time. I think she forgets that I knew you, that you were the closest I ever had to a father."

"I bet that's difficult. Imagining the only father-figure you knew walking out on you."

"Or… my dad?"

"I'm not…"

"I know my mom and she wouldn't have just found some random guy or used a sperm donor. It would have been someone she knew would have been in her life forever. You probably don't know that you got everyone when you left and she's been so… we have people. Maybe there was a contract that you signed so you can't tell me, but if it's you, then maybe you shouldn't teach me health seventh period."

"I kind of lied to Mom and told her a different name. I didn't want her to freak out and have me transfer schools to avoid you."

"She'd do that?"

"She's changed everything to avoid you. Our grocery store, our shopping mall, everything to avoid you. I think you broke her heart even though she'd never admitted it."

"She didn't care about me like that."

"She wasn't in love with you, but she loved the hell out of you."

"I'll let it slide right now, but not again."

"All right, Teach," Lyra smiled.

"Is she picking you up?"

"I'm walking to the gallery."

"Griffin Gallery, I sent flowers in congratulations."

"She cried, she loves calla lilies."

"I know, I just wanted to make her happy." Realizing that the hall was empty and they should both be in class, Bellamy pulled a hall pass out of his pocket and started filling it out. "Look, I know you probably know the way to the gallery, but I'm going to walk you. Your mom and I need to talk," he said before handing the hall pass to Lyra.

"What… what should I call you?"

"Here it's Mr. Blake, but outside of here, that's up to you."

She nodded and headed off to her next class and Bellamy headed inside his classroom, hoping his students didn't hear the drama of his life.

* * *

"So, how do you like Sanctum?" Lyra asked when they started walking to Griffin Gallery and Bellamy didn't exactly know what to say, it's his first-day teaching preteens.

"It's a lot like Eden actually, the students are just three years younger than I'm used to, though I'm sure being in your life more the last few years would have prepared me better for this."

"I don't know who to blame for that, you or Mom. I understand that she was being unfair to you, asking you to not be my father, while being the only man in my life. It had to have been confusing for you, but you also didn't consider how she's gone through her whole life. She's an only child, she lost her closest ally at sixteen and then her mother to drug abuse at twenty-five. She was alone and knew how to take care of everything herself and then she wanted a baby, she wanted me. She didn't want to be dependent on someone while knowing she couldn't do it alone. She didn't want to have to tell me that donor 28567 was my father, or that some guy she slept with at a bar one night, she wanted you. She knew you wouldn't leave her and me, but that's exactly what you did."

"I didn't mean for it to be as permanent as it was, I needed some space. Distance to figure out if I was in love with Clarke or the thought that we were a family when we weren't."

"Family is whoever you choose. Biology doesn't mean anything anymore."

"Did she have you sit in on a psych class or something?" Bellamy joked, then thought about it, Lexa was a psych student. She wouldn't be that stupid, would she?

"Just some friends who watched me were psych majors."

"It makes a lot more sense now, why you sound so much older than the other eighth-graders."

"And I skipped a grade," Lyra smiled, she's really proud of herself. Bellamy was too.

His favorite coffee shop was just up ahead and he asked Lyra if she wanted anything or if Clarke might. Of course the twelve-year-old said yes, she had a vanilla chai obsession, that Clarke documented a while back on Instagram, and Clarke always loved vanilla caramel lattes with a biscotti on the side and when Bellamy added the biscotti's to the order, he couldn't decipher the look Lyra gave him.

"What?"

"Mom loves dipping her biscotti in her lattes. You remembered?"

"I knew Clarke for a decade before I left, we were roommates for eight years, if I didn't know how she took her coffee, even her four o'clock coffee, I wouldn't have been such a good best friend."

"You were selfless, I remember that."

"I didn't want you growing up without a father figure, and I know that's such a heteronormative thing to say, but I don't care. I had female students who were only surrounded by women and they didn't trust me, they didn't trust that I wouldn't hurt them and that's another problem with our society and you're twelve. I'm sorry, I go on these rants…"

"I remember."

"You do?"

"Yeah, and Mom started doing it because she missed you."

"She probably doesn't want you telling me all this."

"Then don't tell her I told you," Lyra smirked, picking up the coffee holder with their drinks and Clarke's biscotti's in a small bag in the center.

Bellay grabbed his coffee, he wasn't going to sleep at a proper hour but he needed the extra caffeine for what's about to come with seeing Clarke for the first time in six years.

Another block and a third of his coffee gone, they came to a stop in front a large storefront with a massive window graffiti (or is it street art now?) mural that read Griffin Gallery.

"Ready?"

"Probably not, but carpe diem," he said, holding the door open for her to step through.

"Hey, Mom!"

"Hey, babes! Madi's coming to dinner tonight!"

"Cool, could you come downstairs please?"

"Who taught you the word 'please'?" Clarke asked, storming down the stairs and froze at the sight of Bellamy next to their daughter. "He did," she grimaced. "What the hell is this?"

"Dollar in the swear jar," Lyra said and Bellamy bit back his smirk.

"Lyra."

"I lied to you, well, postponed the truth. Mr. Blake is my health teacher. I promise I always intended on telling you, I just wanted to see him."

"He hasn't been in our life for years! Why would you want to do that?"

"Because, regardless of what you say, he's my father. We can highlight my near-black hair and put in color contacts every day before I see you, but you will always see some Blake in me. The olive skin, the faint dusting of freckles, I'm still half of my father and I know you, Mom. I know you wouldn't go with a stranger to have a child. That you wouldn't want me to not know who my dad is, whether I know him as Uncle Bellamy or the man who broke your heart, I always knew that he's my dad."

"He didn't give a shit about us for six years! He wins the Father of the Decade award."

"Leaving wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing," Bellamy said and Clarke's hard glare turned onto him. "I needed to get over you, over everything that happened between us and I couldn't when I'm sleeping with my head five inches from yours with a wall between us? I thought it could have been a few months and I'd be back and taking Lyra to the park or a movie or just hang out at home doing something fun, but the thought of seeing you and not being over you and getting sucked back into your vortex of masochistic adoration, I couldn't do it again. And then it was two years and I thought I was too late to even try, but I never stopped caring."

"Good for you, and I was here struggling to raise my daughter alone while starting a business that everyone expected to fail."

Bellamy looked around the gallery and grimaced, he knew that piece off to the right on the back wall. A Lincoln Nightingale, how the hell does she have that and if Octavia knew... let's just say that it wouldn't be good.

"Mom, please. Whether you like it or not, I want him in my life! I want to know my dad and my aunt, I don't want this to be a big thing though."

"Is that what you want? Or are you going to run away again when the going gets tough?"

"I told you when I left that I always wanted to be in her life, I just couldn't be in yours at the time."

"That was the best 'fuck you' I'd ever heard."

"You're up to three dollars," Lyra commented.

"I've been fully in for thirteen years, Clarke. I'm not leaving again, not unless Lyra wants me to."

"I want you to and I can't trust that you won't hurt her again."

"I won't, not intentionally."

"So you'll just shrug and say accidents happen like it's normal for fathers to hurt their children?"

"Wow, I didn't think you had it in you."

"What?"

"Referring to me as her father, it took you thirteen years."

"Fuck you, Bellamy."

"Four," Lyra murmured and Clarke looked at her.

"Really? I have the right to be angry, Lyra. You lied to me and he left us for six years!"

Lyra shook her head and Bellamy realized that tears were swelling in her eyes. "He loved you, he was so in love with you and you hurt him, you can't be mad at him for taking care of himself."

"That's not the Bellamy I knew."

"The Bellamy you knew didn't know that a little selfishness doesn't make him selfish, it makes him human. Self-care is more than just looking good, it's being mentally stable and I wasn't. I'm working on it and having our daughter in my life would help exponentially."

"Fine. You can come to dinner on Friday and we can discuss logistics."

Bellamy looked down at Lyra, wondering why she hadn't said a thing and it was because she was smiling too hard to do much of anything else. That's something Octavia did when she was young.

"Okay. I'll see you Friday," Bellamy leaned down and pressed a kiss to Lyra's head before stepping back, hoping she didn't think it was weird. He hadn't been in her life for years and that felt like it was a mistake.

"Wait, are there any other health teachers?"

"Just me, there are two classes because it's just for the eighth graders. I'll talk to Principal Diyoza about it tomorrow."

"I should be there."

"I can handle it. It's going to be a simple solution, like me not being the one that grades Lyra's exams and doesn't submit her grade for report cards. I'll tell you Diyoza's decision on Friday."

"Or you could text me, I haven't changed my number."

Bellamy nodded, "I'll text you after the meeting tomorrow. Probably around noon."

"Sounds good. Thank you for being upfront with me about this instead of blindsiding me at parent-teacher conferences."

"That would have sucked for us both."

"You still hate them?"

"Maybe eighth grade won't be as bad as high school?"

"Less pressure on college."

"That's a plus. I should, uh, I should head out. I have a dinner I need to get to."

"Do you and Octavia still do the first-day dinner ritual?"

"Echo actually."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I'll see you on Friday." Bellamy turned to Lyra, "Lemur, I'll see you tomorrow."

She squealed and hugged Bellamy tightly, that little nickname being the icebreaker between them.

* * *

"You… saw… Clarke…" Echo said slowly, as though the concept of Bellamy seeing Clarke or Lyra made absolutely no sense. Like Clarke moved cities to avoid him instead of change grocery stores.

"Well, Lyra found me and seeing her again… I have to be a part of her life which means that I have to be in Clarke's too."

"I thought she was dead to you."

"It's an exaggeration. She broke my heart and refused to acknowledge it happened. I'm not anymore but that doesn't mean I can just not have her in my life because I want to know my daughter. She's brilliant."

"She'll hate me. Clarke hated me, her daughter is going to too"

"Clarke didn't hate you."

"Of course she did, you should have seen the daggers she glared at me whenever I showed up with you. If I didn't know any better, I would have said she was jealous."

"Echo, I should have considered your feelings but I'm not sorry for reconnecting with my daughter. I will never be sorry for that."

"Did you call her your daughter in front of Clarke? I'm sure she loved that!"

"Seriously, Echo, I'm not doing this again. I don't love her, I wasn't overcome with suppressed feelings anymore so this jealousy or whatever it is you're doing, I don't want any part of it. If you're going to continue with it, I'd rather you leave. I don't want you to but I'm not putting up with this."

"You're having dinner with her on Friday?"

"Yes, to discuss me seeing more of Lyra. It's not romantic, I'm not delusional. Clarke and I will only be friends."

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?"

"Seriously, Echo? I'm not going to put up with this shit."

"I'm not jealous, Bellamy, but you seriously need to take a moment and think about everything instead of having a knee jerk reaction to Clarke and Lyra walking back into your life. You're allowed to be upset or angry about it, you're allowed to take time for yourself and _feel._ "

"I know, I just can't do that when I'm Lyra's teacher too. I have too much to do dealing with that."

"Is that how you found out? She walked into your classroom?"

"No, she saw me in the hall between second and third period. The first thing she said was 'You have a beard.' Of course, that would be the first thing she noticed."

"Bellamy, you're seeing Clarke on Friday, doesn't that seem fast? You don't even know how you truly feel yet, you're just reacting and I'm not saying you're going to change your mind. I just think that you should give yourself some time to think about it and feel whatever it is that you need to feel."

"This isn't the same as Octavia telling me she's moving to Arizona with Lincoln."

"I didn't say that, but use that as an example, the only contact you have with her is through Instagram and when Lincoln texts you. You follow Clarke and I know you don't like any of her pictures but I know you see them, you've always wanted to be in their life. But maybe leaving the way you did and for how long you've been gone, do you think it was your way of punishing yourself for wanting more than you deserved per the agreement?"

"It's why I lost you the first time."

"I was a bitch about it back then, but I've learned from the years without you that I was too harsh and close-minded about everything. I didn't try and see what you were feeling, I just knew that I wanted you and having Clarke as your baby mama was too far out of what I knew was okay."

"You were raised as a Republican, please stop reminding me," Bellamy quipped.

"You're hilarious."

* * *

Bellamy texted Clarke the next day that he couldn't make it on Friday but he was free Tuesday night and would love to have their discussion then and she agreed, albeit reluctantly. Apparently, rescheduling wasn't a good sign of him sticking around. He told her that he just wanted the weekend to think about it all more, not that he wasn't sure that he wanted to be in Lyra's life, more that he needed to feel everything instead of taking it all out on her and worst of all on Lyra.

He made an appointment with Principal Diyoza, she agreed to have lunch with him and told him she's ordering Chinese and if he wanted some that he could tell her what he wanted and pay for it when he got to her office for their lunch meeting.

Walking in with the ten dollars he owed her for his food, Bellamy sat down and smiled at the bag of amazing smelling Chinese already on her desk. She was pregnant for the fifth time and it seemed like she was just pregnant forever since they've all been back to back. She's never talked about her home life but Bellamy could tell that working and being the mother of four was wearing her down.

"I'm cheating and I don't care," she said pulling out pork fried rice.

Bellamy smiled. "My friend craved Thai during her pregnancy and never had any, it was the first thing she had after giving birth."

"I'd literally kill for some sushi."

He laughed because he really didn't want this conversation to go badly, Clarke had the _worst_ mood swings when she was pregnant and though Harper was pregnant three years ago, she and Monty were in Chicago through it all so Bellamy didn't really know what the norm was with mood swings.

"Speaking of my friend's pregnancy, it was thirteen years ago and the baby is now twelve and in my health class."

"Don't play favorites, Blake."

"I know that's a pretty normal situation, being the teacher of a friend's kid, but I'm Lyra's father."

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah, believe me, if I knew…"

"You didn't look at your roster when you got it three weeks ago?"

"I didn't really care. I didn't think I'd be teaching my daughter, who skipped a grade, so how was I supposed to know?"

"You didn't know she skipped a grade?"

"It's a long story but we're kind of estranged, but I still love her more than anything and her mother's the one that's going to storm in here if she thinks there's a problem."

"Is there going to be a problem?"

"Not on my end, I told her I wouldn't give Lyra special treatment but I also thought to let you know and decide what to do would be beneficial."

"I want to switch her classes but you're the only health teacher I have on staff. Okay, you have an answer key to your exams?"

"Of course."

"Okay, so then I'll talk to Ms. Moore in the classroom next door to your room and have her do it. That also means you have to coordinate your exams to fit around hers."

"I can do that. If I give you her email, would you tell Ms. Griffin the plan about our daughter? She trusts me, but I would just like it to be official."

"Of course, now get the hell out of here, your shrimp with broccoli is making me ill."

"You got it," Bellamy smiled and carried his food out of her office and back to his classroom.

* * *

The next months flew by for Bellamy and it was suddenly Thanksgiving. Clarke invited him and Echo to her condo. Echo grimaced before agreeing, considering Octavia and Lincoln didn't come back to Providence, they didn't have anywhere else to go. Miller was going to Eric's family's, Raven and Shaw were going to his job's thing and Murphy and Emori went to upstate New York for his sister's wedding. Who the hell even knew Murphy had a sister?

Bellamy was hoping that it wasn't weird, he wasn't grading Lyra's exams and she was still acing his class. He saw her twice a week outside of school, though it's after school on Tuesdays and they went to the discount movie theatre and went to his favorite bar/restaurant after for bar pizza and nachos and they played a few rounds of pool, Bellamy teaching her all his tricks and she picked it up too quickly, all while discussing the film, everything from the cinematography to the acting and make up and clothing to the storyline, Lyra was a pro at the entire thing. Bellamy tried keeping up with watching documentaries on filmmaking and reading books, but Lyra somehow always knew more and Bellamy loved hearing her passion.

He asked if they could bring anything and Clarke said no, just themselves, but Echo insisted on bringing a strawberry rhubarb pie, even though it's out of season and twice the price than when it is, and a bottle of some red wine the person at the liquor store told her paired ell with turkey. Bellamy didn't care, he just wanted to spend his first holiday in six years with his daughter.

Ringing the doorbell to the condo he used to call home felt weird. He's been doing it for months, but it never got less weird the more he did it. When Lyra opened the door, she flew into Bellamy's arms and he laughed.

"She's driving me crazy, it's like you never lived here or something with how pristine she wanted me to clean for you to be here."

"She did that with your grandma too, but Abby always whispered to me that she knew the house was a pigsty twenty-four hours before her arrival. And please, never compare me to your grandmother again. Then again, dear old Abs might haunt me for saying that and for calling her Abs. You remember Echo, Lemur?"

Lyra glanced over to Echo, "Hi." She looked back to Bellamy, "I'm not a jumping bean anymore, you shouldn't call me that."

"You just bound into my arms, I beg to differ."

"I needed to _escape!"_

"Well, I'm sorry, but we're going inside where it's warm, we're in Providence in November, it's too cold to be standing outside without a jacket."

Lyra rolled her eyes and whined, "Dad."

"Come on, we have things for your mom."

Lyra headed inside and Bellamy turned for Echo to go in ahead of him but she looked frozen in shock. "What?"

"When did she start calling you dad?"

"Uh, last month? Halloween? Why?"

"You're just… you're her dad."

"That's how biology usually works, yeah."

"She looks just like you… and Octavia."

"I know," he smiled proudly, even though he knew it was killing Echo, but he couldn't not be happy about having a child. He's always wanted to be a father.

"I don't want kids."

"You're thirty-nine, you should have kids soon and I don't want them."

"What are you saying?"

"I don't belong here."

"What? Of course, you do. I—I was going to ask you to marry me tonight."

"Perfectly timed after spending the afternoon with the woman you were in love with for a decade."

"You're serious?"

"Fine, I'm jealous and I'm always going to be jealous when she's around because there's something between you two, some bond that nothing can cut through, not even six years of avoiding each other like the plague."

"My love means that little to you?"

"It means everything to me, but your happiness is worth a lot more. You're always going to want another kid and you're going to regret not having one or more. I know myself well enough to know that my love won't ever be enough because I can't do that for you."

"You're enough," Bellamy said and cringed at the words, at how mediocre they were and how they don't sound _enough_ because they're not.

"Goodbye, Bellamy. I'll get my things from your apartment while you're here and leave my key."

"Echo."

"Goodbye, Bellamy."

He watched echo walk away, before heading inside, glad that Lyra wasn't there to witness that travesty.

"Hey," Clarke smiled when he walked in and placed the wine and pie on the counter where his coffee pot used to be. "Where's Echo?"

"She dumped me… again."

"Why this time?"

Bellamy wished he could laugh at the humor in her simple statement. "Kids."

"That's a big reason."

"I supposedly want more than Lyra and she's not willing to give them to me so she left."

"That's big of her, she's doing you a favor this time."

"Yeah, maybe, but she had a point, I've always wanted to be a dad and I love Lyra but I want more. I want to be able to proudly declare that they're my kid, not hiding under the guise of uncle."

"I'm sorry I did that to you, I knew you better than I gave myself credit for, I knew before even asking you that you would want to be her dad. There's a little pang in my chest every time I hear her call you that. I think it was what I always wanted and just didn't know how to express it."

Bellamy nodded and needed to clear the charged air before he did something stupid, "So this would be the wrong time to ask you to be my baby mama?"

Clarke barked out a laugh. "Ask me again in three months."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, we were good co-parents with Lyra, I'll be thirty-five by then and it'd be my last chance to be a mom. I wouldn't hate it."

"I'm turning forty next year. When did that happen?"

"I don't know. Hey, you want a beer? I'm honestly surprised you're so okay with this Echo break up."

"I think I've seen it coming, I just didn't want to accept it. I think she was a familiar crutch, I'd lost you, I couldn't lose her too." Losing Lyra was a different loss and he hoped Clarke knew that.

Clarke nodded and there was a sound of broken glass behind him in the living room, breaking Clarke's attention from him. "Girls! What on earth are you doing in there?" she asked and there was a pang in Bellamy's chest at the plural.

He wanted that, not necessarily with Clarke but he still thought that having another child or two would be beneficial to his quality of life.

The rest of the night was nice, he occasionally saw Madi while dropping Lyra off over the last few months but getting to know her and knowing she's been there for his daughter and Clarke settled his head a little. The college sophomore was the one that was teaching Lyra about film, being a film student herself.

Clarke suggested that they do this again and it somehow over the course of the next few weeks turned into a game night, every Sunday. Bellamy invited the three women to his apartment for Christmas after finding out Lincoln managed to convince Octavia that they should, or rather that her issues with Bellamy weren't his fault or hers, just that it was the way they were raised, or that's what his email said.

Bellamy really didn't want to give Lyra her most important present in front of everyone, it was partly tacky and he didn't want her to cry or Clarke to hate him forever over it. He should probably ask her if he should, but he knew Lyra and he knew how she felt about the six years he's been gone and he needed her to know that he never stopped thinking about her or caring about her. That he has always loved her and will continue to do so for eternity.

He asked Clarke if he could spend Christmas Eve with Lyra since she was waking up at Clarke's and having the full-blown _Santa delivered presents in the middle of the night even though I know it was Mom, it's still exciting_ experience. He was still giving her presents with his niece and nephews when they all arrived and having them have Christmas in a hotel was making Bellamy think about getting a condo, which he texted Clarke because he texts Clarke about everything again, getting back to being best friends who are co-parenting and no one is in love with anyone was good for the mom even though there's a little pang here and there, it's tolerable. It's a reminder of what could have been, what they could have had and probably did in some alternate universe where they both felt the way that Bellamy did six, almost seven years ago.

Handing Lyra twelve years of cards and letters filled with love and knowledge and money, Bellamy felt a weight lift off his shoulders. He knew she couldn't read them all at once or even in the next week that she had off but she cried and asked why he never sent them, why he never did something about it because she felt so lost without him, so unworthy of love until the first day of eighth grade where Bellamy told her he was going to fight for her this time, he would always fight for her.

He did make her promise to put all the money in her savings account, that he's going to tell Clarke about it all and she would make sure that Lyra did and of course, Clarke threw a fit over Bellamy privately giving Lyra the letters, ultimately agreeing that it was the right thing to do and all the money was going into her savings account and how dare Bellamy do something like that for years!

Octavia was cordial, she didn't like that Clarke was back in Bellamy's life because she broke his heart, but she understood that it's for Lyra. Bellamy hoped they were okay after this.

January came and so did Clarke's thirty-fifth birthday, it was a low-key bash with just him, Lyra, and Madi. He helped Lyra pick out a nice necklace for Clarke and he got her the matching earrings and Clarke laughed, saying she's not her mother, she doesn't need a matching set but Bellamy knew that she was still grateful and that she missed Abby.

February came and went and Bellamy didn't ask Clarke about being his baby mama, he didn't take her seriously when she told him three months so in March she came to him and asked if it was still what he wanted.

Of course, it was but he didn't want to force her into anything.

"I should be ovulating next week, I'll get a kit and we can do it the same way as last time."

"Clarke, are you sure about this?"

"Yeah, I'm kind of hoping for a boy."

Bellamy smirked, he didn't care about the sex, he just knew that the kids were going to be adorable, Lyra was proof of that.


End file.
